Our Life

by Jim

My partner died fifteen months ago. We were together for almost sixteen years. I felt better after reading a couple stories on here, as they zeroed in on emotions I am still experiencing. I assumed it would take a year and more to – to I don’t know what. Feel better? Be happy? Be less sad? I don’t know.

I can say that I am doing better; I don’t spin out of control like I did a year ago. But, the pain is just as much as it was then, the sadness and joylessness is ever around. I’m in the “de-construction” stage right now I guess. I’m cleaning out rooms, files, etc.

There are some thoughts and emotions I’d like to put out here, for anyone who might be experiencing the same things. Maybe you can give me some advice, maybe not. Or, maybe it will help you/us knowing that someone feels similarly.

One feeling is the aloneness of it all. I am 53 years old; my partner was 44 when he died. So, we were the first of all our friends to experience this. Everyone I know is either single, married, in a relationship, or was in a relationship. But no one else has experienced what I am experiencing. I look at some friends who are couples, and my thought is: You have no idea.

Another thought is about how my partner felt after he died. That is, of course, if there is anything after death. My entire life was lived with a belief that there is an afterlife, or at least I hoped so. Of course, that is now shaken apart completely. The only definite statement I can make is that I know very little. However, it occurred to me that if there is something after death and if anything can be experienced, and then it leaves a possibility that he is grieving as much as I am. I am not getting the words out here to express this worry; it is so hard to assemble the thoughts. The thought that he is hurting as much as I am is so awful that I try not to think about it. Unfortunately, it keeps coming back.

He had cancer that developed rapidly. Cancer is a violent, vicious illness. We were fine one day. Then he was in the hospital the next day. And then we had eight months of illness that were off-the-charts insane. Our life was sickness that only got worse. Some things were so awful I can’t even talk about them. I would imagine someone reading this on this site will know what I mean.

When he was sick, I wished there were some kind of book, pamphlet or guide for a cancer caregiver. Every day was a new experience, usually not a very good one. Then I figured out why there really isn’t such a book – it would be the most depressing book ever written. Who would want to read a book like that?

He went through six weeks of radiation, which came with its own side effects. Then he went through two rounds of chemo that were two treatments each. After one chemo, there were side effects. I thought I was prepared for them the next time, but the next time they were completely something else. And the next time and the next time. And each one a total nightmare. There is a movie, The Birdcage, in which a dinner party is going wrong and keeps getting worse. Robin Williams has a line, “I feel like I’m riding a psychotic horse into a burning barn.” That’s how life was: things got worse and worse and worse. Although I was in denial for a long time through the illness, I had to come to terms with the fact that he was going to die from the cancer. There’s the “burning barn.”

I felt / I still feel that my life was stolen from me. That is an absurdity, as life is life. But it was taken from us, and no one ever asked. It was little by little, everything being peeled away like layers of skin. It took away our normal life together and our privacy together. Then it took away his ability to think and talk, which was a major loss in its own right. And it continued taking. Taking, taking, taking. The cancer ripping our life apart as if we were nothing. One day realized that it wasn’t going to stop, and I felt so powerless. He was my baby. He was the love of my life.

Comments for Our Life

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 01, 2013
same here
by: Anonymous

Jim, your story and feelings are very similar to mine.
I couldn't get my head around how someone can be here one mminute with all their energy, essence and love then in one breath be nothing. Gone. Disolved?
NUP, can't be possible.
I choose to believe he has moved into the after life in spirit with his energy and love which continue there. Until I lost my partner and soul mate in my arms 15 months ago I chose to believe that this was it and when we die, that's it, nothing.
Not anymore. Losing him woke up my soul, I was touched and shaken spiritually. I now find it harder to believe we become nothing, than to believe we move into the afterlife.
Until you experience the seperation of a loved one you can't possibly understand how we are all part of each other and their is more to us than just our bodies.
I too wondered if the grief I was experiencing was somehow holding him back from moving on. I also thought if my pain was so intense surely he must be feeling it too. This gives me a reason to fight on and try and find some happiness. I don't want him to have to share this pain with me.
I am slowly accepting he has gone forever in this world and slowly learning to let go, for now anyway.
I believe he is now fine where he is, and I will be too when we are finally reunited in eternity.
There are alot of near death experiences on youTube which are quite interesting and give me some comfort. Not for everyone but for me it helps.
Sending you some LOVE! It's all about LOVE!

Dec 20, 2012
Our Life
by: Doreen U.K.

Jim I am sorry for your loss of your partner. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 7 months ago to a rare and serious form of lung cancer caused by working with ASBESTOS. a cancer that was inoperable, incurable, and aggressive. I nursed Steve for 3yrs.39days. I prayed for healing to the God channel all over America and I feel this is why Steve lived longer with an aggressive cancer. Steve had a very painful slow death and is too long a story to tell. 6 sessions of Chemotheray. following year 10 treatments of Radiotherapy. Lastly 4 sessions of Chemotherapy then sent home to die. I was still in denial. I didn't think Steve would die. I thought Steve would be HEALED. Steve did not want to die and I still see his sad face.
Life is so very lonely now. I was brought up with strong beliefs in God so I do believe in an afterlife. In the Bible God says that the Dead know not anything. Death is like a sleep. I believe the Soul (breath, character) goes back to God and the body goes back to the earth and becomes dust. We were created from the dust of the ground and we return the same way. Because of Sin we Die. Death was never in God's plan. Jesus then came to earth to die for us so that we can have eternal life and live with him eternally in Heaven when he comes back to earth. We just receive eternal life when we accept Jesus into our lives as our Lord and Saviour. We then become born again. We then believe that we will see our loved ones' again if they too believed in Jesus and accepted him as their Lord and Saviour. I know every one has different beliefs and I respect this. This is what I believe throughout my life. I live with this HOPE. I read your post and so thought I would answer some of your questions and thoughts about Life and Death. The person who has died can feel nothing. the breath has gone out of them. So they won't be able to think as we think or feel our grief. The Bible says clearly the dead know not anything. I hope that life will treat you well and that you will Heal from your Sorrow and Grief. Loss is a long process to receive Healing.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!