Our Love Interrupted

by Anonymus

So I have come to a fork in the road, in my life, right here, right now.
Tired of everyone telling me I should be over it by now, and that I
need some sort of electroshock therapy to restart my life, because
it seems obvious that I can’t go on like this without destroying any more relationships.
So this is for you Daisy. I don’t know how to tell you, not that I even could, anymore.
I tried to celebrate your life. Why does it scare so many people, when all I want to do is remember you? Told I spent too much on your funeral, told I didn’t have to spend so much on the headstone. Why couldn't people just leave me alone with my grief? All I wanted was peace knowing
I really tried to save you. Why didn’t the treatments work? I promised you that I would try,
even if debilitated me. Every step of the way, it was the worst possible scenario. You wanted
family there, until I know there was no quality of life left. I searched for a cure, countless hours,
when I should have been a better husband to you. All along. You left me with the secret, I must now hold, for the rest of my life. It hurts. Badly. I wish I could have the day back before your diagnosis. We had our whole lives ahead of us. God knows how I Loved you, more than life itself. Daisy, I am now lost without you. You were right. All along. I know I have no other choice
now, but to t-r-y to live my life, the way I told you, when you got furious with me. Furious that you were the one who got the death sentence, and not me. When I SO deserved it. Now is too late. Too late to worry about not achieving the goals I had for us. I wanted the best for you.
I don’t think you really knew how much I Loved you! Maybe God does hear me. I talk to you often. I remember your smile, your beauty, and feel so guilty now, that I really can’t bring up your memory, without scaring people. Everyone has seemed to move on. So why can’t I ?
They say I should not feel guilty, but why do I still do? I promised to you about our daughter. I hope you have seen, in your Heaven, that I made good on that promise. I don’t know if she fully understands. I know she is sad. I will always be there for her. I am battling depression. And complicated grief. I failed with her counseling, but it was SO not helping me. I felt SO out of place. So now I am faced with living alone with my plans for us. I know I was not the best husband, but I Loved you with all my heart. The plans of walking with you, in our old ages, has been brutally cut out of the picture. So where do lonely hearts go? Why does society say we have to move on, when I know I am not ready. So I tried. I made the attempt to find someone, who might have made living the rest of my life without you, easier. No such luck ! Now I am as confused as ever, knowing it is not working. I don’t want to hurt her, but at the same time, I am hurting myself. I have seen the signs, all around me. I know you are not far. I want to believe we will be together again. I asked you to please wait for me. On the day of your MRI, when I knew
hope was vanishing. I am tired right now, so I have to stop writing. Please know you are in my heart. I hope you can hear my thoughts, and in some way cross over to let me know that you still Love me, it is all that I ask. Take care, my one and only true Love. God blessed me when I first looked at you, I knew you were my future. God Bless you my Love!

Comments for Our Love Interrupted

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May 24, 2013
my heart still aches
by: joan

I lost my daughter 6 years ago to cancer. she was very brave and battled with the horrible disease for 17 months. I can be thankful that l had an extra 17 months with her, but the pain is still so raw that it still consumes me at times. My heart goes out to all of you who have loved and lost. we can all relate to each other and know we are not alone in our feelings. Losing my daughter feels like it happened yesterday. It can be very hard watching your child going through treatment, suffering and in pain, it can be hard for anyone who loves someone with all their heart, then to have that person taken from us. My heart goes out to all of you. we are all in the same boat. Our stories may be different or similar, but we are all in pain and feel the loss of our loved one/s. Be gentle and kind to yourselves, and sometimes as uncomfortable as it is, we just need to be allowed to sit in our pain and grieve the way we need to, we need to be given whatever time we need to be allowed for us to work through the grieving process. My heartfelt thoughts go out to each and everyone of you. Someone who knows what its like to lose a loved one.

Oct 13, 2011
My God you sound like me
by: Anonymous

First off I am so sorry for your lost. I am struggling with anger, rage and pain. I feel guilty for the loss of my twin brother. I find myself irritated very easily, and my temper is hard for others to be around. I spend many past and present days over my loss and many say I need to move forward. I found this site at a time of an anxiety attack. I was feeling really sad and depressed at the time. I ask God I need help please help me. I typed in grieving sites and this is the very first site I clicked on. Since then I understand why I feel what I feel and it is so normal. I was relieved that I wasn't going crazy, and how to deal and understand why I feel what I feel. Commenting on others blogs, or reading other blogs has helped me tremendously. I know I am not alone in suffering or in my grieving. In a crazy way I feel relieved that others grieving has helped me with mine. But I can be a part of their grief by commenting on their sites. I don't give advise on how to get over it, I always say people grieve in different ways. There is no set time in length. So take as long as you have to. Move forward at a slow pace. As long as you heal, maybe not fully but some healing is better then none. Since I share my thoughts on my grief and comment on others grief it is like a weight has been lift, and some of the anger, rage, and guilt has left me. Not fully for I feel I will always have it, and for me that is ok. Remember your loved one, and hold on to your love for her. Remember one thing though no more pain or anything on this world can ever hurt or harm her again. She is at peace with God. Try to celebrate her life by living yours and keep her in all your days. God Bless my prayers are with you always and everday for this day fourth. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THE FEELING OF LOSS. Matt

Aug 19, 2011
by: Anonymous

It is easier to post in this forum, than to spend excessive amounts of money on counseling, pills, or religious donations. I have found this site very therapeutic. Guilt, anger, and sadness, are terrible human traits. Working through them is a process. There are no easy solutions to watching your true Love and life mate pass away in your arms. This grief thing will take a while. Hope is a key word. Thank You SO much for your replies.

Aug 18, 2011
Your Daisy...
by: HH

When I found out that My Love had a brain aneurism I researched it and assumed that they could do a coiling. They had to do a clipping and on the way out of surgery he had a stroke.

Had I known and none of us do, that things would turn out as they did I would have done more the night the day and the month before surgery. I think that he knew somehow and I didn't...It never occurred to me all the last time things that we did just before all the walls came crumbling down. We Made Love all night, neither of us could sleep and when we went to VCU I still never considered the outcome. I assumed everything would be o.k.

A little over a year later he went for a walk and never came back. It is just now that I begin to forgive myself for that. I could not have protected him from the outcome. He died and would have with or without me there. What actually happened I will never know. But I do know that you and all of us here need to forgive ourselves for something that we have no control over. You are flogging yourself over being a crummy husband and I have no idea what you mean by that...If you want to use this site as confession so that we can help you that's fine. If it is too personal that is cool too.

The thing is we all have regrets for what we did and did not say or do. We need to forgive ourselves because they have already. From my understanding when they get "there" the afterlife...They see things all so clear. See it All Understand it All. All the while we sit here mere mortals torturing ourselves.

I also know that unless you have gone through grief you have no idea how it feels and the toll that it takes on your mind, your soul and your body. As far as trying to get someone to fill that void...The void is there until we can become content within ourselves. There is a HUGE empty feeling that would be unfair to try to get "someone" to fill.

A lot of times I hear that guys get married within a year or two. Why I do not know. A substitution? A way out of the emptiness that grief leaves. I am a woman and though I ache for what was and the loneliness is over whelming I am not ready to give my mind heart or body to another....I still Love My Husband though he is no more.

Bottom line is you, me and most here LOVED our husbands, wives, mothers, fathers etc. and they know that from above. And yes if you open your heart and your mind you will see signs from above. Einstein said every day is a miracle...Or not.

Make today one. Open your eyes for small increments of happiness to come to you and open your heart for forgiveness it is there. Life awaits us when we are ready...

Aug 15, 2011
Re: our love interrupted
by: Anonymous

your story has parts that I can so relate too. I lost my husband and everyone thinks that I should be ok by now. In reality it is such a chore to get up every morning and carry on mundane things. I have a son so staying home is not an option. But why does everyone just assume that we can replace the love of our life with someone else? that makes me so angry. I lost my husband at age 50 on Dec. 29, 2011. I dont want to forget him and I have guilt over not being able to save him. As a nurse, what good am I if I cant save the one person I love the most? I dont know how to deal with it most days. I too pray everyday that somehow God will let him come to me one more time.
sharing grief, Theresa

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