Our Son Ethan

by Cindy
(Vail, AZ)


We lost our 17 yr old son, Ethan, on Aug. 28, 2013, 11 weeks ago today. He came home from school on Thursday Aug 22 with a fever but no other symptoms. He felt fine Friday and went to school. Over the weekend the fever went up and down so I took him to the doctor on Monday. She sent us home, suspecting mono, but he started feeling weak with shortness of breath. We went to the ER Monday afternoon, he was admitted to ICU and he was gone by Wednesday. Diagnosis was sepsis from a staph infection secondary to immunodeficiency secondary to leukemia, which was first diagnosed 5 hours before he died.
We are devastated and do not how to do this, how to live our lives without our Ethan. He has a 21 yr old sister who is devastated as well and needs her parents. Can you please tell us how we are supposed to do this? Ethan was a wonderful son, brother and friend. Nothing makes sense. And now the nightmare of the holidays is upon us. We are lost.

Comments for Our Son Ethan

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Dec 30, 2013
4 months since losing our son
by: Cindy

It has been 4 months since I have seen my Ethan. It still seems so unreal that he is gone and I will never see him again. It is not getting easier. In fact, it is harder. My Ethan is such a special boy and I miss him every second of every day. Life without him makes no sense. I read and read about grief but nothing helps because, no matter what, he will always be gone. At least I am not afraid of death now because I will be wherever he is when my time comes. That is the only comfort I get.

Dec 09, 2013
Ethan
by: dianne

I am so sorry for your loss of Ethan I also lost my son paul july this year he was 21 only a month away from 21 his 22nd birthday would have been a month away.I share your feelings and your grief I couldn't function properly felt numb and just wanted to wake up from the nightmare I felt I was having but it didn't happen .It has been 5 months now and my feelings of losing him is still raw not a day passes that I don't wish with all my heart that he was still on earth with me and I don't see that changing don't get me wrong I do have days that aren't as bad but then for no reason bamm the tears are with me again.I don't think we will ever get over the loss of our children we will just learn to live with it my heart goes out to you and all your family and my thoughts are with you for our losses one thing I think is we will always hold them in our hearts and remember the happiness our sons bought to us xxx

Dec 08, 2013
Ethan
by: Anonymous

I want to first say I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our 17 yr old son Cameron this past June & it has been a roller coaster ride of emotions ever since. One of the main things I have learned is that there is no right/wrong way to grieve. Everyone's circumstances are different and we do not have to justify our feelings to anyone. I can tell you that if it wasn't for my faith, I would have a much harder time. I take comfort in knowing I will see my son again and that he is happy and at peace. Every mother wants this for her child, even though we long to have them with us. I believe we will find our "new normal" in time, but for now I am content to trust God, although I may not understand his reasoning. My heart goes out to you and your family. May the Lord bless and keep you this holiday season.

Nov 18, 2013
Horrible Pain
by: Wendy

Cindy,

I read your post and could not help but gasp at the quick and serious circumstances leading to Ethan's death. I am so sorry for the untimely loss of your precious Son. I, too, grieve a son who left at age 21 due to a complication from a medical device he wore to treat Type 1 diabetes. The first holiday season without our Kyle was a blur, a painful swirl of days that held no meaning for us. We have 3 surviving children and could offer them nothing in the way of a Christmas like they are accustomed to. I spent most of the holidays in bed feeling so emotionally battered that I could not make simple conversation with anyone. The next year I told myself that I would not feel guilty about what I could or could not do for the season. I wish I had some type of helpful advice for the next few years of your life but I do not. If you can "unlearn" the family traditions you have in place and let your family find their way into new traditions maybe that would work. We are still off kilter and it has been 4 1/2 years. What few people talk about is the family dynamic totally changing after one child is missing. My heart goes out to you, your husband and daughter.

Nov 15, 2013
Ethan
by: Anonymous

We all have guilt in common. My mum was 83 when she died a few weeks ago and I am feeling guilty if I smile, go shopping or enjoy a meal. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son.
I don't know what to say there are no words but my heart goes out to you and your family. just take it one hour one day at a time.
Know that you are not alone there are a lot of bereaved people out there. Thinking of you.


Nov 14, 2013
Thank you
by: Cindy

Thank you all for your kind words. I am sorry for the loss of all your loved ones. This pain is indescribable. I think the only reason I go on is for those that are still here that I love. I really just want to be with my son wherever he is and I feel so guilty that I am still here. I feel guilty for everything I do, from eating to watching a television show. I miss Ethan so much.

Nov 14, 2013
your son
by: Anonymous

I lost my son suddenly this year as well. I have not one thought about Christmas. I'll do a little, because I have two other children. I must say losing a child is the hardest grief there is. You had hopes and dreams, that are now dashed. You know they wanted to live a full life too. And as the saying goes "life is not fair". I sometimes feel that I will not be really happy again. I wished I had been older when this happened. Because I really don't care that much about life now. It seems so different, just sad. But I'll go on and pretend. I don't want to hurt the other people in my life. Losing a child is like no other loss.....

Nov 13, 2013
Ethan
by: Anonymous-MI

Cindy, let me say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your wonderful son. I have not lost a child but in Nov 2012 my husband of 43 yrs died of SCA---it was so shocking, so brutal as we did not get to say good-bye. (would that have helped my sorrow? I don't know) It was just before Thanksgiving when my dear husband died---then Christmas came. When I think back on it all it seems like walking through a thick fog and being totally numb the whole time. This past year has been a roller coaster ride that none of us wants to take---it has been difficult to believe that my heart and that of my children and grandchildren could be broken, crushed and shattered and still we have gone on. I have survived this year with the support of my family and keeping very busy as to the business of taking care of my home and trying to fill the hours with helping others But, the real help came from my faith and trust in Jesus Christ our Savior---His love for me has brought me through the hours and the days of darkness. While I still grieve so very much and cry every day and miss my husband with every fiber of my being I know that God has me in His keeping. My belief is that we are allowed a number of days to live on this earth and when the days have been fulfilled God will call us to heaven. We will not live a minute more or a minute less than God has allotted for us. Your dear son and my husband met their number of days; they finished the race that God set before them and have gone to heaven where they are so gloriously happy that you and I can not begin to imagine their joy! We must keep our eyes on Jesus and ask Him to lead us out of this valley of despair and into some light. I won't pretend to say this journey we are on is easy and swift----but, know that we are all on this road together, each carrying our grief and people on this site will pray for you and care about your loss and give you their love through their words. May God keep us in His embrace. Again, I am so sorry.

Nov 13, 2013
Ethan
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son. There are no words to comfort you. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can comfort each other and help each other cope with your loss.

Nov 13, 2013
cindy
by: dianne

I am so sorry for your loss of ethan I know how hard it is to lose a child as I lost my son paul age 21 it was sudden also.Paul died on 11th july this year and theres never a day that goes by that the sadness leaves it is the worst experience we have to deal with but we must go on for our other children our sons knew the love we have for them and that we will carry that love within our hearts for all our days try to think of gd times you shared with ethan and remember his smile my heart goes out to you cindy from one mum to another a big hug and my thoughts are with you and all your family x

Nov 13, 2013
Our Son Ethan
by: Doreen UK

Cindy I am sorry for your loss of your son Ethan to a sudden death. Sepsis is something that creeps up so quickly and takes someone's life so fast. This is the worst experience for a parent to lose a child/adult child. The only way you can cope with grief is ONE DAY AT A TIME. don't look too far ahead. Also nurture yourself so grief is easier to bear. I lost my husband to a deadly cancer 18 months ago and I still take only one day at a time. I can't look one week ahead. it still has to be that moment and when the day arrives. I can't make any plans. I am still a little stunned by my loss. It feels as if I am waiting patiently for my husband to return from one of his overseas jobs. Grief is the worst pain ever because it affects one's emotions and this is the hardest area to heal from and there is no medication to take this pain away. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and the whole family for your loss of Ethan. Death makes us such fragile beings. We are afraid to live on because it is so painful. It is early days for you to feel anything but the way you are feeling now, but if you do some very special things for yourself each day you will start to feel better. Build on this each day. for me it is buying flowers and putting them all around the house and in the garden. This cheers me up, another is cooking a special meal many days. Painting the house or remodelling some room. Giving myself to some good cause or to help someone out. I also try to build people up and make them feel special. You will know when the time is right and you can get involved in life again. Be gentle with yourself and don't have high expectations about what you think you should be doing. You have lost a precious part of your life and it will take months or years to start to live again the way you need to in order to move forward. May God comfort you and give you His Peace.

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