Our Son Jason's 37th birthday.

Our Son Jason died 9.5 years ago and the grief never ends.
I have had a lot of tragedy and misfortune in my life, but the loss of a child we all know is beyond comprehension.
I think about him still almost every hour. Tomorrow is our
41st anniversary and should be a joyous time, but is always
overwhelmed by our Sons birthday. We too got the infamous call at 3:00am Oct 14th 2003 and at that moment I knew my life was over too. I wish I was stronger and people say Jason wouldn't want you to be depressed and I say Jason wouldn't want to be dead. I admire a lot of people that have the guts to go on with their lives and be happy.
I don't think I deserve to be happy and so I wallow in grief and self pity. I work with the poor and homeless and this has kept me alive. We have another son that is a good kid but is floundering and this breaks my heart all the more. I am 65 and in great physical condition, but in very poor mental and spiritual shape. Thanks for your time.
Hope this didn't depress you, but I don't want to die and I don't want to live. I'm about to erase this, but won't

Comments for Our Son Jason's 37th birthday.

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Mar 26, 2013
by: Kate

I am glad you came here. We all can express our grief here. I know my Louie didnt want to die,many others on here feel that as well,even suicide loss,they were just unhappy and wanted the hurt to stop and knew no other way,they wanted life and happiness. We all do. But life has sorrow and pain and it is hard! We can talk and express and get it out of us because it is so heavy to carry.We are all Gods creatures and united by the thread of creation. Keep trying,beg God for help when it hurts so bad,I do. Its overwhelming on our own.We are here on this site to help one another,its a daily struggle. You are not alone.....but we are going forward somehow and the ones here need your love. Thoughts turn into reality,believe you can heal.

Mar 25, 2013
Our Son Jason's 37th Birthday
by: Doreen U.K.

GLTA I am glad you didn't erase your post. You don't want to die and you don't want to live. Because you are hurting so badly and don't know how to go on in life. Your life doesn't make much sense since you lost your Adult Child. You are not wallowing in self pity and you do deserve to live and go on to be reasonably happy again in life. The clue is in what you said. "I don't think I deserve to be happy?" YOU DO. Start changing your perspective and reverse what you said. "I DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LIVE WHAT LIFE I HAVE LEFT?" You are feeling guilty to be happy whilst your son doesn't have this choice. His life ended too quickly and too young. We do have a responsibility to ourselves and those in our family left in our care and still living with us. First go and see a grief counsellor who will work with you to get past the pain of your grief to the point you will still have the scars forever but not this dreadful pain of grief which is robbing you of LIVING. A parent will never get over losing a child. They just learn to live with this and cope with life, because the scars will be healing. You are not healing from your grief. You may be stuck in grief. You won't know how better you can feel till you have this support. I can speak from experience and don't want you to be robbed of LIVING with Hope and happiness. Find a Church and surround yourself with loving supportive people. Get God on your side and Let Him heal you and give you HOPE. You will see your son again. You can be happy again without the guilt. We have to give an account to God one day for how we lived. What will you say? I couldn't find you God? God will say. "I am here" "I CARE". I lost my Son also. He died for you. My son Jesus died for a purpose. So you can Live. Not just now in this life. But I will give you eternal life. You just have to receive it.

Mar 25, 2013
Dear GLTA,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am so glad you did not erase the message. You are reaching out for help and that is a good thing. It is clear that you have never really dealt with your grief or you wouldn't be feeling like this 9 1/2 years later. You are soooo wrong when you say you don't deserve to be happy. Wallowing in grief and self-pity will get you no where, as you can see. I don't know how or why your son died, but it sounds like you died with him and you probably feel that way.

I truly admire your work with the poor and homeless. Are you doing that for them or is that your "back door" to helping yourself? It sounds to me like you do everything you can to help them, but ignore yourself. You cannot ignore grief. It must be confronted and dealt with just like any other illness. You have not treated it so 9 1/2 years later you are in a deep depression because you never dealt with it.

I do not want to sound insensitive. You need a wakeup call! I am trying to get your attention. You must get some help right away. You need medication and counseling. I am on this site because I am also grieving. I am on medication and doing other things to help myself. I recognize your symptoms. Your heart and spirit are broken. You need to be able to celebrate your anniversary and so many other things. Life is passing you by. You also need to get some help for your other son. Grief happens to all of us and it is always difficult. What we have to do is to find a place to put it in our hearts, visit it when we need to, but move forward. Jason is happy in Heaven, but he is not happy watching you wallow in self-pity. He wants you to go on with your lives and have the happiness he did not get to have on this earth. Then, when God is ready, you will join Jason in Heaven. You see life is just part of our journey. We are born, we live, then our bodies die, but our spirits live on. The body is just the clothing for the spirit, but it it the gift that God gave us when He sent His Son to live among us. Next Sunday is Easter, a reminder of Jesus's resurrection from death. Go to your pastor, a counselor, or your doctor, but please get some help and find the happiness you so deserve for the rest of the years you have left on this earth. I send you many prayers and blessings. I hope you will write back. Pat

Mar 25, 2013
Don't let the devil win . . .
by: Anonymous

It sounds like the enemy has you exactly where he wants . . . isolation, loneliness, emptiness. I lost the love of my life in a sudden, tragic accident last year. I want nothing more than to be with him but I still have obligations here. Three young children to raise. Some might say, "But you have your children." That should be enough, right? But, it's not. The thought of spending 30-60 years apart from my love is overwhelming. That said, I will not let the enemy win!!! Amidst the incredible grief I will find joy in the little things. I will keep my focus upward while finishing my work in this fallen world. This doesn't mean I've moved on, let go. That will never happen. It's impossible. I will just choose to be patient while carrying out God's work. My love is up there doing his job, and I need to be down here doing my job (whatever that is!). I will not lie. It is painful. I am strong in the Lord because only He can get me through. It is important we finish this life strong. Right now, I feel lost. Without purpose or direction, which is so uncommon for me. Definitely out of my comfort zone. But, it has forced me to surrender it all to Him. I will trust Him. Follow His lead. I guess, the way I see it, He got me into this mess so now He can give me the mop to clean it up. There will be a reward in the end. I will be reunited with my love for eternity. That day will make it all worth it. It will be worth it for you, too. Allow Him to carry the burden of your hurt in the meantime.

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