Our Wonderful Mamma Dolly

by Monika
(Virgina)

My mother passed away on May 18, 2010. She had been ill for some time with Pulmonary Hypertension brought on by blood clots in her lungs. Although she still lived on her own nearby, my sister and I were there to help take care of her, taking her to restaurants, shopping, doctors appts. etc..Although we knew (mostly from our doctors' visits) that she wasn'd doing so well, it was still a shock when she came down with pneumonia and passed away. It had seemed that she had nine lives, she was always able to pull through. It's been over 1 1/2 years and I now find myself feeling worse about it than I did when it first happened. I know that first there is a numbness that makes it more bearable. There is always things to get done, like the funeral, selling property, estate and probate hassles. I felt like I was getting through everything with grace. I was almost proud of the fact that I could put on a brave face, even though I'd cry every day. I've had a lot of loss in my life (father, friends, Aunt, pets) and I have a tendency to get anxiety and depression for a time after events such as these. I think, foolishly, that after a year and a half I was OK. Maybe I had escaped this anxiety/ depression this time. Well, I think after this Christmas (my Mom spent every Christmas morning with us) and her recent birthday, I hit the wall. I now have great anxiety and have trouble sleeping. I'm having dreams of my mom almost every night(when I can sleep). I finally asked my Dr. for some meds for anxiety for a short while. I know this is just part of the grieving process, and I am trying to take care of myself the best I can so that I can continue to care for my 4 children and my husband. It's what my mom would want me to do.I am praying, exercising, doing relaxation exercises, and eating right. But, that hole is, and always will be there. I miss her sooo much and I love her so much. "Mother, you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I will always cherish your love and example. May God bless you"