Out of Control

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Life as I knew it is gone and I'm out of control. It's the late night hours that beat me, brutalize and ripping the very fiber of my soul. Hours ago I was maintaining. Now I'm out of control (another illusion) and now dieing inside. I hate to use that word but it is what it is.
I've discovered another problem. With pain, despair and life altering situation comes things that we think will ease the pain. I will come out and say it because its me ~ I can't not notice that when I've got home from work and I'm beat and ready to throw in the towel I have a drink. Problem is when you drink emotions grow, pain grows and then all hell break lose. Funny people drink to forget but if you've lost someone it goes all out of whack and the memories and pain come back twice as much and becomes pain unbearable. I wonder, when do you know when you've crossed the line of drinking to easy the pain to drinking to much. I think I've crossed that line a couple of times but I'm not sure where I stand. It makes me think....But then thinking gets me in trouble and I'm crying again. How much pain can one person take???? Is my sanity at risk? Is it enough to push me over the edge?
Lord give me strength...
How can one minute or moment I'm getting along and doing OK and then the next its "BAM lets sucker punch her and see if she can still stand.
I look at my apartment and I see "us". Everything Billy would like but its just furniture and dressings on the windows. An apartment that might as well be in a model home. Another project to do. I ask myself what am going to do when there's nothing left to do in this apartment? I hate my life, my job and the fact that I go to bed each night and Billy's not there. Again anger issues. Does that ever go away?
I sound like a broken record. I'm almost at the 1 year mark ~ June 21t and the only person I really talk to about or know what's going on in my head and soul is my cousin because "Dmitri" (her son) left this world on 8/9/10, 23 years old and passed away of Cancer...
~ just a few months after Billy. Nobody understands and I'm tired of explaining everything over and over. Funny its them and us. Sometimes I wish I could just slap them upside of the face and say "HELLO" you were there... How can you be this way????? But as always, there lives go on while ours are suspended in time and space until the end of time. Who's time ? Who knows? It's now mind because Billy and I would be together this very moment.
OK a couple of beers down the road and I'm road kill.... I'm being brutally honest. I find talking for me (I'm a people person) is a way of releasing emotion, frustration and hurt. Where does time begin and where does it stop? I ten to wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I don't think before I talk. Not always good but honest.
I know my words are fragmented and most likely sounding like a raving lunatic. I know we all cross the line at times. What to do? I had everything under control (another illusion) early this evening. In fact your going to find 2 postings for me on the same day.... Normal and then Painful as the midnight hour comes....
It's 12:00 ~ Good night sweat prince, my Billy ~ I hope to see you in my dream tonight once more....
1 step, 1 breath at a time ....

Comments for Out of Control

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Jun 11, 2011
out of control
by: Judy


We are all out of control at one point or another. I think it's part of the process of changing into this strange, unwillingly single person we are becoming. I drink also, socially, and made a conscious choice not to do so when I got low because alcohol just depresses you more. If I gave into that I would be be paralyzed and never move forward. Do what you got to do to be okay but put yourself first. Again if you have not had professional counseling at this point, go get some. If you have and you didn't like the counselor change to another. This did wonders for me, but you have to click with the counselor for it to be effective. Don't be shy about what you need-I didn't want some kid just out of college with a shiny new degree. I needed a woman who had lived a while and understood the ups and downs of life. I kept looking till I found her, and she put me on the right path.

Patricia, you can do this, you can endure.


Jun 10, 2011
he lives on in you
by: Kay

I know where you're coming from ,I am hearing your agonising pain...your sadness and aloneness...even though we are around people...we have never felt more alone in our lives.My heart aches for you because I am in a similar place.I lost my beautiful son Dean,he was my only son,I adored him.its like we have this ache deep inside that eats away at you.I try my hardest to carry on with life to smile and at times even laugh.Then there are times when I come unstuck...go completely to pieces.I have found comfort in a small way by making a blog...its really a personal grief journey for myself to look back on reflect on.I read past entries and cry but some times I smile because of the wonderful memories...those precious times we shared laughing together.Im sure you have many of those moments with your beloved.I am sending you my love and healing ....please hang in there,please take care of yourself....you are special and loving person....you are in my thoughts.and please say hello to Dimitri's mum and give her my love. xxx hugs to you .

Jun 10, 2011
well said
by: Shirley

Alcohol is the greatest anesthesia but it opens doors that you may have thought were closed forever. My Compassionate Friends tell me that I have to keep revisiting all my memories and cry and cry and then one day that very same memory will make me smile. I'm still waiting for that. I was "lucky" to have survived a great disaster years before my sweet Dimitri died. I lost my little sister when I was only 20. She was five years old and was killed in a horrible accident caused by a drunk driver. I was beside myself with grief. I wasn't able to say her name without breaking into tears for three long years. I desperately needed people to talk to but they would run the minute I tried. It was a brutal way to learn a very valuable lesson about how people act when you lose someone close to you. This time my expectations are much lower and I'm not surprised that even the person closest to me doesn't want to listen anymore.....that's just the way it is.....that is why I "hang out" at grief sites and why I go to Compassionate Friends because not only do they LISTEN....they also UNDERSTAND. That is invaluable....
We will make it through this hell together cousin....one step, one breath....
love you!

Jun 10, 2011
We are raving lunatics
by: Zoe

I don't drink if I did I am sure I would be curled up with a bottle
One year mark is bad. It is all bad, we live in a place we don't want to be living lives we don't want with the one person who could have made it bearable gone

Of course we are screaming, hair pulling lipstick smearing lunatics. The fact we can figure out how to put pants on is amazing much less work, or chew for that matter

Grief is the perfect storm it redefines us it thrashed us and there is no getting out

You need to talk we are here
Until then
One breath one step

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