Out of Control
by Patricia
I've discovered another problem. With pain, despair and life altering situation comes things that we think will ease the pain. I will come out and say it because its me ~ I can't not notice that when I've got home from work and I'm beat and ready to throw in the towel I have a drink. Problem is when you drink emotions grow, pain grows and then all hell break lose. Funny people drink to forget but if you've lost someone it goes all out of whack and the memories and pain come back twice as much and becomes pain unbearable. I wonder, when do you know when you've crossed the line of drinking to easy the pain to drinking to much. I think I've crossed that line a couple of times but I'm not sure where I stand. It makes me think....But then thinking gets me in trouble and I'm crying again. How much pain can one person take???? Is my sanity at risk? Is it enough to push me over the edge? Lord give me strength... How can one minute or moment I'm getting along and doing OK and then the next its "BAM lets sucker punch her and see if she can still stand. I look at my apartment and I see "us". Everything Billy would like but its just furniture and dressings on the windows. An apartment that might as well be in a model home. Another project to do. I ask myself what am going to do when there's nothing left to do in this apartment? I hate my life, my job and the fact that I go to bed each night and Billy's not there. Again anger issues. Does that ever go away? I sound like a broken record. I'm almost at the 1 year mark ~ June 21t and the only person I really talk to about or know what's going on in my head and soul is my cousin because "Dmitri" (her son) left this world on 8/9/10, 23 years old and passed away of Cancer... ~ just a few months after Billy. Nobody understands and I'm tired of explaining everything over and over. Funny its them and us. Sometimes I wish I could just slap them upside of the face and say "HELLO" you were there... How can you be this way????? But as always, there lives go on while ours are suspended in time and space until the end of time. Who's time ? Who knows? It's now mind because Billy and I would be together this very moment. OK a couple of beers down the road and I'm road kill.... I'm being brutally honest. I find talking for me (I'm a people person) is a way of releasing emotion, frustration and hurt. Where does time begin and where does it stop? I ten to wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes I don't think before I talk. Not always good but honest. I know my words are fragmented and most likely sounding like a raving lunatic. I know we all cross the line at times. What to do? I had everything under control (another illusion) early this evening. In fact your going to find 2 postings for me on the same day.... Normal and then Painful as the midnight hour comes.... It's 12:00 ~ Good night sweat prince, my Billy ~ I hope to see you in my dream tonight once more.... always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ....
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