Over too quickly
(Indianola, IA, USA)
the only way I got to actually see her
I lost her 8 years ago on July 16th, 2005. I don't believe my story will sound much like anything anyone has written here, except, of course, the feelings of love and loss.
My story began in February of 2005. At the time, I spent much of my spare time during my work week online, in chat rooms. I lived in a small town, so there really wasn't much else to do, plus I wasn't making much money either. I had my first long distance relationship via a meeting in a chat room. It didn't last long, and it didn't end well, but it was during the "death" stage of that relationship when I met Tracie.
I had never seen her talk in the chat room before, but apparently she had been 'watching' me for some time. (don't know how long, probably just a few days) I guess the way I 'spoke' (sorry for all the quotation marks..) and decided to try and get to know me better. She sent me a picture and I do remember telling her that I wouldn't kick her out for eating cookies in bed. Over the next couple of days or so, we talked and exchanged emails and whatnot. Then I didn't hear from her for about a week. I sent her a couple of emails, hoping things were fine. After a week, she finally came back and told me her father had just died. I, of course, felt bad for her and I supported her and kept her spirits up by being funny.
About a week later, towards the end of February, I told her I really liked her. The next day, I told her I loved her, and obviously, she felt the same. I suppose it was what you might call a whirlwind romance, for lack of a better phrase. We grew close very quickly, and fell deeply in love. I guess I should mention that I was living in southern Iowa, where she was living in Winnipeg, Canada.
She liked to write poems, and it was in one poem that she indirectly proposed to me. I wish I had copied and saved it to my email. In fact, I wish I had done that to all the poems she wrote about us. I kick myself for not having done so. I told her I would propose to her right now, but I wanted to wait until she was right here, standing in front of me. I never got that chance.
In June, while she was in Vancouver for work, she got online and she was having a rough time. The death of her father finally hit her, and it didn't help that her mother was also in the hospital, fading away. I did what I could to console her, but there is only so much a person can do from the other side of the computer screen.
After she got offline, she had a minor heart attack. Of course, I didn't know about it until a couple days later. She seemed to be doing fine and got someone to come help her with business, so she was going to be ok. The next night she wanted to be intimate. I won't say how we did that, so don't ask.. I told her no at first, but how could I refuse my true love anything. I gave in. The next day, she was feeling horrible and couldn't move without puking. She got a doctor to make a housecall, which is rare in this day and age, but after some tests, she had to go back to the hospital. While there, she was told that she needed immediate surgery. She was afraid and didn't want to do it, but I managed to convince her that she needed to, or I would lose her for sure.
At this point, you might think it odd that she was allowed to use a laptop in a hospital bed, but since I wasn't there, and I don't know the policy on that, I didn't care, and still don't. All I cared about was being able to communicate with her.
Her first surgery, she died on the table, but they were able to revive her. I couldn't communicate with her well, because she was 'slurring' her words due to the medications she was on. It was heart wrenching, but we did our best. Luckily her sister showed up and helped to make Tracie come across loud and clear.
Over the course of about a month, she was in and out of surgery many times, and pretty much died every time, as well as being revived. After so many of those events, doctors were worried she wouldn't survive another one. Too late did they finally bring in a heart specialist.
Saturday afternoon, on July 16th, I was woken up by a phone call from a friend, telling me I needed to get online, that something was happening with Tracie. I wasn't about to let myself think that she was going to die. I hoped from the bottom of my heart and soul that this would be good news. That she was finally going to be ok and be sent home. Alas...
I don't know how much longer she lasted, but from a thousand miles away, on the other side of a computer screen, I had to say goodbye to the only woman I ever loved, and will ever love for the rest of my life. I never felt so cheated in my life. I should say we never felt so cheated in our lives, but its hard to know what exactly was going through her mind, knowing any minute she was going to die.
Its one thing to be right there when your loved one passes away, and its entirely another from far away. And, honestly, who loses a true love 5 months after they first meet?! Here I was, finally happy in my life, and then it all comes thundering down around me, and through me. I watched my heart being ripped out of my chest, dry up, and crumble to dust. My true love dies without ever knowing my touch, my lips on hers, our arms wrapped around each other, looking at each other face to face....
I cried every night for the first 2 years. My friend tried helping by thinking that maybe it was all a lie due to the fact that her friend never came down to pick me up to go to Tracie's funeral. Even mentioning that to me allowed a little doubt to creep in, and to this day, I wish he had kept his mouth shut, but what is done is done. Come to find out she ended up in a psych ward for trying to kill herself. I found out a thing or two and when I mentioned it in an email, by the next day, her email was shut down and I haven't heard from her since. Crazy things can happen after the death of someone you were close to, but I still believe, above the doubt that creeps in every now and then, that Tracie was real and the love is real. I did swear to her that I would always love her no matter what, and I have held to that, and will continue to do so until my dying day.
Some months later, while still out of my mind, I start seeing someone else, which lasted a couple days or so. Long enough for her to give me genital warts... Sorry, but that fact figures a little bit later in the story, which I swear is almost done, so hang in there.
I knew then that I was no longer fit to be with anyone, and it wasn't only because of the std. Ever since her death, I can't cope with being in a relationship, or even the idea of being in one. My friend, who gave me the seed of doubt, believes I am overthinking. Maybe so, but my thoughts don't particularly go into great depth about the woman I'm seeing, or may be seeing. Meaning, I don't think about compatibility as far as personality goes. I don't think about similar or different likes and dislikes. I just simply think about just being with this new woman, and the fact that with every one, not one of them has my disease. I will never pass on this disease to anyone. Even with these simple thoughts, my body reacts, for lack of a better term, violently. I get physically sick. So my only course of action is to stay out of relationships. Just recently a woman wanted to start seeing me, and the same thing happened. As you can see, even after 8 years, I really can't be with anyone else without vomiting... Disgusting, I know, but I have to stay single to avoid going through that again. I don't know how else I could get into a relationship without it souring my stomach. I guess it would just have to happen gradually without my realizing it until much later on. I can be pretty perceptive, so it would take a really sly, very intelligent woman to pull it off. Also, she has to have the same disease as me, or its nothing at all.
I shall finally end this by saying that I tell her I love and miss her every day. I have one sided conversations with her, though I have no clue what she hears, or if she is even with me. There has been a time or two when something has happened that I can't debunk. And the last thing I'll say is that I cannot stand people who try and give me false hope, because they don't know the future, and they can't prove any of it. (i.e., you'll find someone some day, you'll find love again, etc. etc..)
Thanks for reading and if I seemed a little rude at the end, I apologize. It's just one of my many pet peeves.