(Perth WA Australia)
In the past 12 months, I have lost my Father in law, Father, Mother in law and Uncle. (in order of loss).
Where do I start? I guess firstly I have done a lot of personal development – I have worked through all my issues and understand who I am and why I do the day to day things, react, get angry, upset, indulge etc. This is ongoing. And I guess without this I would never have actually made it through the last 18 months. I am 45 and lost my mum to cancer when I was 25 so I have no parents. This makes me so sad.
So that is what has led me to seek out “someone” who has experienced this overwhelming grief I have endured.
I have dealt with the loss of my darling mum who was only 47 when she passed away so will not go into that. I love and miss her dearly. I was in a relationship from 16-29 and had great support however the relationship didn’t last. We had no children. I met my now husband (married 3 yrs ago) and we had several miscarriages before going down the IVF route 5 years ago. That in itself places an enormous strain on a relationship, but the worst was still to come. 7 miscarriages later – I wanted to try donor embryo, we started down that road 2.5 years ago. At the same time my husband’s mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia. We sold their house and put them in a retirement village which they loved! Life was good for about 12 months despite repeated failed attempts to fall pregnant. My father-in-law (Bill) was diagnosed with cancer. My husband wasn’t earning money in real estate and I was the sole earner. After changing jobs mid way through his treatment, I had to take leave to look after Bill. I did this for 6 weeks, full time as well as a very deteriorating mother in law (Vera). I had it organised like a well oiled machine. With round the clock care in the end. And it was towards the end that I never saw my dad. We text and spoke on the phone but not as much as we used too. Bill passed away on the 30th of June last year. My husband who adored his father was devastated. His mother was confused and lost. I organised the funeral he couldn’t deal with it. My dad was calling and asking how we were and said he would see Alan at the funeral to talk about it man to man. The night before the funeral dad took ill and I went to his house, his wife had called an ambulance. I kissed my dad and said see you tomorrow if your ok. He said he will be fine. The scratch on his leg was septic, his body went totally into septic shock. We buried Bill on the 8th, I was called on the 9th to say dad was not going to make it. I know he saw me and knew me but he went into a coma and died on the 10th. My dad was my rock, I miss him so much it hurts like crazy. I was crippled as a child (ok now) but it was dad’s words I always heard and hear now “never give up baby”.. I have 4 sibblings, it was a horrendous time as well as I then had to find care for Vera. I organised a full time live in carer two days after my dad’s funeral. I spent most of my days there for the next 4 months until we had to finally put her into a nursing home in November last year. I visited daily took her out always, and from December to March this year again life seemed normal and we could focus again on having a baby. Vera took ill and had a heart attack on the 22nd of March. I loved that lady and I miss her. Two weeks after Vera’s funeral my favourite uncle passed away and my aunty was put into a psych ward as she didn’t cope. When does it end? We are trying to hold on, we have each other. My family are of no support, my friends cannot possibly understand, with exception to one very very dear friend who has saved my sanity. What caused me to seek out someone to talk to was my sister told me today I am miserable, intolerable, horrible to be around and I have changed. Of course I have! How is it possible to stay the same as you were after what I have been through in 12 months? I have not worked (apart from part time at a friend’s restaurant late last year) in over 12 months after working all my life. I am growing vegetables and being a wife. We are lucky in that Bill has left security for his family. So financially we are ok. We are not rich, but we are in a far better position than we have been having me not worked for this time. I feel I have “survived” this. We have booked a holiday in September. The baby dreams may be off as too much time has passed now. I have read through a few stories, all sad, and you have my empathy. Because I do know how much pain you must be in.
I have cried as I typed this. My main point of pain is my dad. But the overwhelming grief is just that… overwhelming.
Thank you for listening and providing a place that I could tell my story to hopefully reach someone else who has felt this heartache.