Pain doesn't get easier

by Amanda

I was only 23, I met a man that I was crazy about.Before we had decided it was love we were pregnant. I was terrified he was so excited and eventually the excitement was contagious. We found out we were having a boy, we picked out a name and dreamed of what he would look like, what it would be like to hold him, what he would look like, if he would be athletic like his daddy or love to read like me! Then one HOT August day 17 weeks early I went into labor after three days in and out of it in a hospital there was no more they could do for me and I gave birth to Nicholas he was a little over a pound and pretty perfect we were lucky enough to be in a top notch hospital with an awesome NICU they whisked him away. My new husband went after him and I layed there crying until someone could find the time to help me in a wheel chair and take me to the NICU. My little man fought for 10 days, I will say that again for 10 days hooked up to every machine possible getting tests after tests done he fought! On day 9 a doctor came to us and said we had a decision to make, Nicholas has level 4 bleeds on both sides of his brain, if he did survive he would have cerebral palsy and be in a wheel chair for the rest of his life at best. Again I am 23, newly married and 10 days ago I was dreaming of a beautiful healthy boy now I have a decision to make.... pull the plug or have a child that we are being told will have no quality of life if he lives passed his first birthday. My husband and I walked back to the Ronald McDonald house we have been calling home crying our eyes out saying nothing until about 2 hours later. We could not or would not make that decision. The next day we are sitting next to the incubator singing to our boy and touching his hands when all the machines start beeping and nurses are running towards us and calling codes. Our baby was dying! As they are performing CPR on his tiny body my husband looked at me and then yelled "STOP, let her hold him" so for the first time in his life I held my baby and sang "hush little baby" as he took his last breaths! I will never forget my husband and the nurses watching me and my boy and crying while I felt him slip away. That was almost 11 years ago I remember every detail. My arms still ache to feel the weight of my first born. Thanks for reading my story.

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