Pain In My Neck..
I am writing this message this evening after a bit of a hard day. I work with a wonderful lady and she has become a good friend as well over the yr's. I am engaged to my fiance and have been with him nearly five yr's. I know that even the closest of friends and loved ones cannot really understand our pain and loss...it's impossible. I do my best to keep my spirits up at work and be supportive of others arnound me. I don't speak much about my daughter or her death. Only if someone asks a question or asks how I am. I want those that I love and care about to be happy and healthy. Lord knows I have had enough pain and hell for everyone I know. I guess what I am trying to say or get at, is there are just days that it takes All I have to get through a day at work. I wanted to just to sit in 'silence' today. I found tears welling up in my eyes and had to fight them back and put on a smile that took every ounce of my soul. I finally get through the day and I come home and I am hoping to just unwind and the next thing I know- I am feeling more down and upset. It is hard for me to Not get upset because I am NOT excited about the holidays ahead. I can feel myself getting a knot in the back of my neck and Thanksgiving isn't even here yet. It may sound crazy but I could get through the holidays (not that I am not aching for my daughter because I am)but I have to deal with my fiance's family. My daughter passed away in late Sept.09 and two mo's after her death they were here basically proceeding with 'their' xmas at our house and I felt like they had NO COMMON SENSE in their heads. Why they would even expect me to clean and host them for days? I was doing good to go to work and get through each day. I tried telling my fiance that I was Not up to this. I get ANGRY even now when I think back on it. Oh, when they do comet they are polite and all, but I have never really been asked how I am doing, or even the mention of my loss.Only right after her death. They sent flowers and told me the next time that I saw them they were sorry and knew it must be hard. So, here we go again and I am simply NOT in the mood for all the 'holiday cheer' they have. We are the ones with a guest room and where his parents will only stay. His mother doesn't like the chaos of the sisters house. They stayed at a hotel last yr. but I felt like an Ass because I didn't offer for them to stay and comments were made. I am tired and Not up to it again.. I know that there are those of you here that know and understand my stress and how Very difficult this season is for All of us here. I have very little family and they understand because they have suffered the loss as well and are more understanding. I feel guilty for feeling down even though I feel it is understandable. I don't sit and cry I am functiong fairly well, but my fiance thinks that I should 'just enjoy' his family and the day. I am Angry and Sick of hearing that. It sounds so simple but All of you know it Isn't!!
Thank you for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated.