Pain In My Neck..

by VJ

I am writing this message this evening after a bit of a hard day. I work with a wonderful lady and she has become a good friend as well over the yr's. I am engaged to my fiance and have been with him nearly five yr's. I know that even the closest of friends and loved ones cannot really understand our pain and's impossible. I do my best to keep my spirits up at work and be supportive of others arnound me. I don't speak much about my daughter or her death. Only if someone asks a question or asks how I am. I want those that I love and care about to be happy and healthy. Lord knows I have had enough pain and hell for everyone I know. I guess what I am trying to say or get at, is there are just days that it takes All I have to get through a day at work. I wanted to just to sit in 'silence' today. I found tears welling up in my eyes and had to fight them back and put on a smile that took every ounce of my soul. I finally get through the day and I come home and I am hoping to just unwind and the next thing I know- I am feeling more down and upset. It is hard for me to Not get upset because I am NOT excited about the holidays ahead. I can feel myself getting a knot in the back of my neck and Thanksgiving isn't even here yet. It may sound crazy but I could get through the holidays (not that I am not aching for my daughter because I am)but I have to deal with my fiance's family. My daughter passed away in late Sept.09 and two mo's after her death they were here basically proceeding with 'their' xmas at our house and I felt like they had NO COMMON SENSE in their heads. Why they would even expect me to clean and host them for days? I was doing good to go to work and get through each day. I tried telling my fiance that I was Not up to this. I get ANGRY even now when I think back on it. Oh, when they do comet they are polite and all, but I have never really been asked how I am doing, or even the mention of my loss.Only right after her death. They sent flowers and told me the next time that I saw them they were sorry and knew it must be hard. So, here we go again and I am simply NOT in the mood for all the 'holiday cheer' they have. We are the ones with a guest room and where his parents will only stay. His mother doesn't like the chaos of the sisters house. They stayed at a hotel last yr. but I felt like an Ass because I didn't offer for them to stay and comments were made. I am tired and Not up to it again.. I know that there are those of you here that know and understand my stress and how Very difficult this season is for All of us here. I have very little family and they understand because they have suffered the loss as well and are more understanding. I feel guilty for feeling down even though I feel it is understandable. I don't sit and cry I am functiong fairly well, but my fiance thinks that I should 'just enjoy' his family and the day. I am Angry and Sick of hearing that. It sounds so simple but All of you know it Isn't!!

Thank you for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Comments for Pain In My Neck..

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Nov 07, 2011
from Calif
by: Anonymous

I lost my son 15 months ago so this will be my second holiday season without him. He was only 23 and he had leukemia. I too live with my fiance but thank goodness he doesn't have a big family to encroach upon us. My issue is that I need to be with my other kids on the holiday. I'm lucky in that my fiance so far has been supportive and understands why I have to go out of town, get a hotel room and "hang" with my kids. It's so much easier that way. Maybe, instead of hosting the holidays, you could suggest that you and your fiance go to his relatives town and let them host and you can stay in a hotel with your fiance. Another thing that's helped tremendously is that he comes with me to the monthly Compassionate Friends meetings in our town. At first I was reluctant for him to accompany me because I didn't want to drag him down into my pit of grief but it's worked out to my advantage because the rare times he's become impatient with my grief I've been able to look at him and remind him that every parent in that meeting feels the same way I do. It makes him realize that my grief will be with me for a long time and so the expectation that I "get over it" isn't there anymore. He realizes that what I'm feeling is "normal". I hope your fiance takes a moment to listen to what you are saying and realizes that you need time. Sending hugs from California.
Shirley - mom of Dimitri 7/13/87 to 8/9/10

Nov 06, 2011
Thank you-
by: Vickie

To those of you that left posts offering advice and support-Thank you. I am grateful to you. Joe if you have blog here I would like to read it-not sure where it would be posted? I am very sorry for your pain as well.

Thank you again-Vickie

Nov 06, 2011
Pain in the neck...and down
by: Anonymous

Dear VJ,

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is impossible for someone who has not experienced it as well. They CAN'T know. We who do know must cut them some slack whether we want to or not, but that does not mean we need to do things that do not give us joy. Holidays are supposed to be a joyous occasion. If not, why do it for the sake of what others are used to? Let traditions go for a time. Let others carry the load. You may have the space to accommodate them, but you don't have the heart for it this year. There is no shame in that. There is however, shame in someone's behavior who expects things to go on just as they were. Their world has not been forever changed as your's has. They don't need to understand, but they do need to accept your wishes. Put your foot down. It's your turf.

Nov 05, 2011
Your Grief Is Your Own
by: TrishJ

Yes....a total pain in the neck. My sister and I share a joke between us. We call certain people PITA - There's PITA G., PITA V, PITA W. You know.....Pain In The As*!
People can be so cruel and unfeeling. After the death of my husband everyone was so understanding. We had 300 "in remembrance" cards printed and ran out during the wake. Everyone came and said...If there's anything I can do let me know. I can count on one hand the number of friends that are still there for me. Most people are understanding for as long as they choose to be. Everyone is very uncomfortable with death. As I'm nearing the one year anniversary of my husband's death I know most of those in my life expect me to be over things and move on. I'm just not ready to. I need to find at least a part time job but I still have days where I go to pieces if someone looks at me wrong.
Your grief is your own. Nobody can trespass into it. Only you know what is in your heart and mind.
You will probably have those days where you just want to be alone with your grief for a very long time-if not for the rest of your life. You loved your daughter so much and you just flat out miss her. You always will. Don't let insensitive people bother you. They are everywhere. Until our lives have been changed by this impossible grief we have no clue as to how painful it is.
I am the first of my friend to lose their spouse. I will be extra sensitive when it happens to my friends and be there for them for a very long time.
God bless.

Nov 05, 2011
by: Joe

Just wanted you to see that someone who does not even know you cares. I am also walking through a loss. I hope the best for you.

Nov 05, 2011
thinking of you xx

hi im so sorry for your loss why dont u and your partner go to a hotel by yourselves and take some me time i lost my mother last year and i still have really bad days last xmas was her first away from home i told my inlaws i didn't want any visitors and they respected that it took all my strength to get through xmas with two young kids i felt my heart breakin in two i cant imagine the pain of losing a child i will say a prayer for you xxxxx

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