Papa (1964 - 2013)

by Sabrina
(Canada)

I love you

I love you

Life was perfect up until the day I recieved news that you are eternally gone. That God has taken you to be with him.

Remember the day when you would teach me many things, to use a screwdriver, to care for cats, how to climb a tree. You would bring me hiking just because I really wanted to see the nature. It was something special that we both love and shared. Our love for animals and plants. It need not be conversed as we both know it deep in our hearts.

Although you worked hard and had not that much of money, you'd given everything to us. You paid so much to ensure I have the best education, even supported my passion for piano although it was really unnecessary. You wanted the best for your children. You'd take time off from work to send me for additional classes and ensure I have gotten lunch even when you're hungry, you'd prioritise my hunger first over yours. Despite me being young and having 'I-want-to-try-everything' attitude that has for sure burdened you financially, you'd never raised your voice against it. You'd softly convince to be focused in life. You were such a gentle father who'd sacrificed everything for the ones you love.

I am so proud of you and how you live your life. You started with nothing but worked hard for the things you have today. Yet you still remain a humble man who love the little things in life. Your wife, your children, our cats and gardening. When presented with luxurious things, you'd ask if it's really okay to accept it and does it with so much gratitude everytime.

Sept 2012, I left the country to pursue my education after receiving a scholarship. You stood there, with your eyes red, trying to stop your tears as I excitedly wave at you, knowing that there's a new country ahead that I can explore. Little did I know that it would be my last time seeing you breathing and smiling proudly. By June 2013, you were gone, slipped away without giving any signs that you will leave us forever. You were having lunch happily with mom and half an hour later, you were gone. You clutched your heart and slipped away from us forever.

The 30 hours journey to fly back home had been a brain-dead journey for me. I did not even know how I managed to keep myself moving through the buses, planes, immigrations and countries I had to cross to get home. Although no tears came to my eyes, my heart felt so much pain I just wanted to slip away with you too. When I arrived at the airport, so many people were there to get me. They were crying. I hated seeing people crying so I laughed and smiled all the way, saying how much I miss home's food. They brought me to eat a local delicacy before I arrive home. It was chicken rice. It was something you would often buy for me after I arrive home from school. I miss your cooking even more. You were not just a dad to me. You were a mom too, who dutifully cooked amazing food for your family, despite being tired from work. You did it with so much love that every meal was amazing.

The house became so empty after you left. It was so much different compared to when I left home for school. I couldn't hear your jokes, or see your funny expressions. I could no longer see you gardening at our front yard. Or listen to you coming back from work. I could no longer see your figure standing in the kitchen, making special dinner. Your working uniform hung in your room, ready for you. The car just stayed at the garage, with no one to drive it. The chair you would always sit during dinner laid empty.

Now I talk to the air, imagining you're there. I text to your old number feeling as though you would still read them.

My heart was broken but I would not accept it. I was afraid of the change losing you had brought. I lost so many friends in this grief. I began to lose myself in the process. I felt my relationship with my other family drift apart. I never felt so much grief and sadness before you leave. My life was perfect before it all happened. Now I'm left with myself who I've begun to hate. A struggle to not lose the last part of myself. But I want to make you proud. I will try my best to be the same person for you Papa.

They say that parents will always put their children before themselves and you were a proof of that. Where I am now, if it is not because of you and the way you have brought me up, I would never be the same person. Most of the time I would be laughing and the next hour, I would just cry uncontrollably, feeling scared and terribly missing you and your voice when you would call me. It will be a difficult, but I will try my best to move on. I am your living legacy and your fighting brave blood flows within me. Please watch over me. I love you so much Papa.

Comments for Papa (1964 - 2013)

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Feb 22, 2014
Dear Sabrina,
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to read about your father. I can relate so very much to your post since I lost my father suddenly as well. He died from cardiac arrest in January 2013. Like you, I had a beautiful relationship with my father; he did everything for me, and always put my needs ahead of his. I am an only child, and he was the light of my life. It seems unbelievable to me that I have managed to get through this past year, I am not the same person I once was, and the void in my life is huge. My father taught me many things-the practical things like riding a bike, driving a car, reading, math, basic repairs around the house and garden. But what I have taken from him is so much more. He taught me so much about compassion, grace and tolerance. About being a good, kind person, and stopping to appreciate all the simple beauty in life. He taught me to love the ocean., animals and nature. From the sound of your words, you were taught the same, For these gifts I am thankful, and I keep them close to my heart. Please know that you are not alone, there are many people here who understand exactly how you feel. I have found that time has been a good friend, and even though I am constantly enveloped by sadness, happiness begins to seep through every now and then. Take your time grieving, and be kind to yourself. I wish you much peace and comfort in the days ahead, Barb

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