Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief
(Kokomo, IN, USA)
I am paralyzed by my grief. I met my husband on a blind date in high school, was married after we fell in love thru the mail while he was in Vietnam and this year was 40 yrs. Every memory I have is with him. Every inch of this house is him. I think every day that I will get up and do better. I will accomplish something. I will be helpful to my kids and grandkids who are grieving the sudden loss of their dad to an accident in June. But instead I isolate myself because I don’t want to make them sad. I don’t work so I don’t have a reason to get up, to set an alarm. I don’t want to commit to anything right now, not even volunteering although I keep saying I’m going to volunteer for homeless veterans. I tell people that I will honor his memory by doing what he always did, by putting one foot in front of the other, but I’m not doing it. I’m getting worse, it seems and it doesn’t have anything to do with the holidays. I just can’t see feeling any different ever. Out of desperation I found this site today, and I’m praying that it helps me. And that’s the other thing; I just can’t seem to try to pull any strength from God right now. I’m not angry; I don’t see any point in anger. I’m just sad. I want to honor his memory by being strong like he always was. I want to make new memories with my kids and grandkids. All my life there were never enough hours in the day, working, going to college, raising kids, cooking, gardening, working on the house. And now there are way too many hours in every day. Is it time to go to bed yet? If it weren’t for my sleepy pill I wouldn’t even have that. I think I need grief counseling although I have fought that because I feel as if I can’t deal with anyone else’s grief on top of my own.