Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief

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Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief

by Joann
(Kokomo, IN, USA)

Anniversary 2011

I am paralyzed by my grief. I met my husband on a blind date in high school, was married after we fell in love thru the mail while he was in Vietnam and this year was 40 yrs. Every memory I have is with him. Every inch of this house is him. I think every day that I will get up and do better. I will accomplish something. I will be helpful to my kids and grandkids who are grieving the sudden loss of their dad to an accident in June. But instead I isolate myself because I don’t want to make them sad. I don’t work so I don’t have a reason to get up, to set an alarm. I don’t want to commit to anything right now, not even volunteering although I keep saying I’m going to volunteer for homeless veterans. I tell people that I will honor his memory by doing what he always did, by putting one foot in front of the other, but I’m not doing it. I’m getting worse, it seems and it doesn’t have anything to do with the holidays. I just can’t see feeling any different ever. Out of desperation I found this site today, and I’m praying that it helps me. And that’s the other thing; I just can’t seem to try to pull any strength from God right now. I’m not angry; I don’t see any point in anger. I’m just sad. I want to honor his memory by being strong like he always was. I want to make new memories with my kids and grandkids. All my life there were never enough hours in the day, working, going to college, raising kids, cooking, gardening, working on the house. And now there are way too many hours in every day. Is it time to go to bed yet? If it weren’t for my sleepy pill I wouldn’t even have that. I think I need grief counseling although I have fought that because I feel as if I can’t deal with anyone else’s grief on top of my own.

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Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief

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Learning to Grieve
by: Leslie Young

Joann, I am so sorry for you loss and understand the isolation you are going through. I lost my daughter in a car accident and ever since that day I can't help feeling it's all my fault. I am in constant grief all the time, but I have found the techniques on http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-dl help provide me with some advice on how to overcome my grief. I hope it helps you as it has helped me.

Greedy in your Grief
by: Zoe

Whether it is a parent who has lost a child, a child who has lost a parent, or a wife who has lost her husband, all of these griefs are different, but the one thing they hold in common is that you must live with them. Grief will ride you like a wild wave in the ocean throwing you in the air one minute and slamming you to the ground the next. You are right, how can you deal with another's pain if you cannot stand your own. It is ok to be greedy with your grief. We have been where you are, watching dishes pile up, things that were done in the normal course of the day just sitting. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You have to feel your way though, like a newly blinded person with no cane. There were many days when I stayed in bed. I do work, so I would get up, go to work, then come home and get in bed. That was it. Even now, 19 months since I lost John it still hits me, hard, when I least expect it. Does it get better, it gets, different. You mind gets to a place where you can function. Sort of, the basics come, then some other things. I bought a house after John died, I could not live in the one we were building together. So I bought a house and balled up in a little ball. Just now, I am working on making it our house, the place he would love to be. He will always be with me, we will always be.
You will have to feel your way through this. But know in the middle of the night when you need to scream your pain, come here. We are always here, and we always listen.
and when you can do nothing more, remember
one breath, one step, one day at a time.

No Weakness in Greiving
by: Judith in California

JoAnn, I'm sorry for your loss. Please know you're in the right place for all of us here have been where you are and some of us are still hurting deep down tho we move on each day doing what needs to be done. We are still lonely when night falls and we still reach out for them and touch where they layed beside us.

Please know also that there is no weakness in grieving. It takes great strength to go on this grief journey having to put one foot in front of the other each day. It's an emotional roller coaster ride of your life and you will be different and stronger on the other side of it when you get there.

God and your Husband are watching and will lead you through it.

Please come here often as we all do from time to time.

Easy does it, as if we have a choice
by: Marilyn

You are expecting way too much of yourself at this point in your grief. Just give time, time. And you said yourself, you have plenty of that.
I lost my husband and best friend, Cliff, a year and 3 months ago. In the beginning, I was forever running to tell him something or ask him about something, or getting up when I thought I heard him coming in from work. But he wasn't there and wasn't going to be anymore.
At first, I thought I could outrun the grief and pain, by staying busy and not being home. I would work out of town more and had a vacant apartment I could stay in, off season, and be around my family and all the noise and distractions that go with them.
Then I realized I had to go home and deal with the grief and my new reality. The holidays came and went last year and I was sure that at the 6 month point, in mid March 2010, I would be back to normal and up and running full speed... After all, I have always been an independent business woman and could spring back from anything. I did not realize until month 8, that I had been in a safe state of shock and that's how I got through those first months and the holidays, I do not remember. Now the pain was being felt more and it got worse, approaching that one year mark and shortly after.
Somehow I am now coming out of the fog. I was shocked when I found empty folders, with no paperwork, for some months of my bookkeeping and I was more shocked months later to find the paperwork for these months, neatly clipped together under piles of not so junk mail I had never opened. I do not remember those months and certainly not doing this paperwork.
It reminded me of a poem called "Footprints in the Sand" http://llerrah.com/footprints.htm
Just know that this is a long slow process we are all going through, but most importantly, KNOW that you WILL come through it. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself. Yes, YOURSELF! Be selfish, if that's what it takes, to help you get through this. Your happiness is very important to you right now. So if you want to stay up all night watching movies and eating junk food, then go for it. Your happiness is that important.
Wishing you a safe and happy return, at your own speed and on your terms!
Marilyn

Paralyzed and isolated in grief
by: M Mack

Joann,

I am sorry for your loss. I know you think this pain will never end but as time goes on, it slowly lessens to be tolerable. You always feel it but you learn and grow to tuck it away in a safe private place. At 15 months for me, I am still having bad days, but they are not as often as before. Take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what you need to do. Worry about taking care of you first. You'll find that if you pamper yourself a little, it feels good.

Also, I read a lot about afterlife and i noticed you even got a message from dr medhaus- channellingerik has really helped me. You realize they are still around, you just don't see them in the physical sense. Finally, don't be angry at God. Call on your faith for support and inner strength. It has helped me tremendously. It is so hard to loose the love of your life but you were chosen as someone who can do this by a higher being. The pic you submitted- was it always partially framing you? If not, that would be considered a great sign! Take care and sending my prayers for comfort.

Bereaved mother
by: drmedhus

Have you checked out Channeling Erik? I am a physician and mother of five who recently lost my 20 year old son, Erik. I started the blog to journal my grief, hoping I would heal by helping others. But soon Erik made his continued existence known to family, friends and blog members. As a physician with a strong background in science, this shook my entire paradigm to the core, especially since I was raised by two atheists!

Now, I channel Erik through a world renown medium, asking him questions about death, the afterlife, the nature of reality and more. Lately, we’ve been asking him to bring famous celebrities to interview including Elvis, Carl Sagan, Sai Baba, Michael Jackson, and 350 more.

Erik also has a penchant for visiting blog members to give them advice, comfort, or play little pranks (messing with electronics, sending noxious smells, hiding items in plain sight, etc.) Over the past few months, he’s become a worldwide phenomenon and has been interviewed on many national and international shows, including The Sheila Gale Show. Currently, a screenwriter is writing a pilot for a TV show based on Erik’s life and afterlife—a weekly one hour drama, fiction based on truth.

Please understand that Erik is no guru or Dalai Lama. In fact, he curses like a sailor and has an irreverent sense of humor, but in a way, that’s part of his allure. Erik is one of us, someone who once struggled in life and, like us, he’s still searching for answers to those bigger questions. I hope you join us on our journey.

I Know how you feel
by: Wendy

Dear Joanne,

Let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly this July in a tragic accident. I too feel paralyzed. Although we met later in life, 13 years ago, and just married in May of 2010 he was my soulmate, my best friend. We did everything together. And now I am just lost. i don't think I have any words to comfort you, but I can tell you that you are not alone.

I hesitantly joined a support group 2 months after the accident, and I have to tell you I am so glad i did. I tried private counseling, but with the loss of my husbands income I just couldn't afford it. Being in a room with a group of people who know exactly how you feel is wonderful. I have support from a small circle of friends, but to be honest they really can't understand.

I encourage you to give it a try, if it makes you uncomfortable you are not obligated to continue. i also find myself isolating myself from others, which I know isn't healthy. People can't help if you don't let them in. I have been disappointed by many, but many others have been there every step of the way.

I know it's cliche, and I still can't take my own advice, but I am always reminded that maybe we have to live the best life we can to honor their memory.

If you ever need someone to talk to you are welcome to email me at wrreefer@hotmail.com.

Take one second, one hour, one day at a time.

One breath...one step.

My prayers are with you.

Wendy

I know how you feel
by: Mary

Joann,
Your story and feelings sound like mine. I lost my husband, Gene on Dec. 8, 2010. After a short battle with cancer (7weeks). I have just passed the one year mark. It has been a very difficult year. I too did not go to grief counseling. I found I could not help myself, let alone help anyone else. I too do not work. I am 64, Gene and I were married for 40 years and I had retired from teaching after 35 years. I do have a strong faith and that has truly helped get me through the dark days. So try to hold on to your faith, I promise it does help. I can understand the isolation, I too did the same. Only wanting to be home. I felt closer to Gene when I was in my own home. I must say that my wonderful family and friend really helped me through the isolation and I am doing better. I also feel that I should be volunteering or doing something but I haven't felt up to doing that, so in many ways I know how you feel Being a widow is very difficult. Just hang in there- keep your faith in God. I know that some day I will see my Gene again, I think that's what helps me get through each and every day.

Paralyzed and Isolated
by: Lisa

I know exactly how you feel! :( I lost the love of my life on August 27th this year....he was 82....I'll be 50 this friday. :( I don't have children or grandchildren....just 2 little poodles to keep me company....sometimes they help....sometimes they don't. I quit my job in May to stay home and take care of hubby....don't regret a single second of my time with him! I had to get a job after he passed away to pay the bills and keep our house.....my job is saving my sanity right now or I'd probably sleep the rest of my life away! My hubby was on hospice since May....they were so kind and helpful to both of us! I've gone to their grief group...it lasted 6 weeks. My Mom asked if I felt better after going....I told her it wasn't a cure...and no...I didn't feel better but it was nice to cry with others about my own grief and theirs. I also started one-on-one sessions before the group but had to quit when I started my job...I'm thinking I need to reschedule. The holidays just seem like a blur...they're my first without hubby in 25 years! :(

anyway....I wanted to let you know your local hospice should be available for you for free even if your husband wasn't on hospice....whenever you're ready! we had a lady come who lost her loved one 2 years ago and is just now starting to grieve because everyone was telling her to just *get over it already*! I find that horribly insensitive!

I hope and pray you find peace....I know it's hard....I still haven't found mine!

Temporary Paralysis
by: TrishJ

Joann~
You are suffering from grief. The more we loved our husbands the harder we grieve. I lost my husband one year ago. I've made some progress but I still miss him so much. Last year he was gone only three weeks when Christmas came. This year is harder ~ last year I was still in a state of shock and barely remember the holidays.
I have two grown children and three very young grandsons. We were married for 37 1/2 years. I was 19 when I met him so I know little else in life. He always said he raised me. He was 9 years older than I was but always younger at heart.
My children have moved on with their lives although I know they miss their dad terribly. My little grandsons stopped asking where pop pop was months ago. That breaks my heart.
I have no motivation one year later. I have to start looking for a job after the first of the year. Not necessarily for money...I have way too much time on my hands. I need a reason to get up in the mornings. Volunteer work is something I'm really considering.
I went through exactly what you are experiencing. I wasn't exactly angry with God. I was very upset with myself for not having more faith and leaning on him more. I didn't really doubt him. I just wasn't in the mood for God. I felt like he wasn't listening as I cried myself sick and begged for some relief to my pain. Isn't that terrible? My good friend talked me out of that. She recommended I read a book called Talking to Heaven by James Van Praagh. He's a psychic (some people are very skeptical). He taught me how to read the little signals I am getting from Joe. They're subtle signs but they are there. Joe let's me know at least once a week that he's with me and it's so comforting. But still.....I miss him and I always will. Friends are starting to talk about fixing me with this guy and that guy. I'm not ready for that. No way. I miss Joe too much. I'm not going to get over it in one year. Don't push yourself and get angry if you feel like you aren't making progress. Grief is a lot of work. I think I'm about 50% to where I want to be. I can talk about him now without getting hysterical. I've to terms with his death. I'm probably mostly feeling sorry for myself at this point and that's really OK.
What you are experiencing is completely normal. You lost your lover, your confidant and your best friend. Nobody had that relationship with him but you. Nobody understands the devastation you are feeling unless they've gone through it. Our husbands are the one person we get to choose in our lives. To have them suddenly gone brings us to our knees.
I'm sending you hugs and God's blessing. He really is listening. Sometimes we want instant results. They say it's a learning and growing experience and I say I've learned and grown enough already. Stay on this web site. There are a lot of wonderful people here who have gotten me through some very dark days. You've come to the right place.

have hope
by: angela

hi i have had grief councrlling since my mum died in june and it really helps to have someone to talk to who is independent of the situation . i can now cope with the pain of loseing my best friend and mum , its not any easier the pain is still there but it just helps u cope , lv and god bless hope u can find the strength to go on . it is so hard to lose a loved one and nothing can make it go away or make it fair but just make it a little easier yo bear and to go on living for ur family . im sure thats what ur husband would have wanted xxx

Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief
by: Joann

and I have no idea why my photo has me so disjointed in it except for that's the way I feel. That was our anniversary dinner this Feb before his sudden accident June 17.

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Paralyzed and Isolated by the Grief