Paralyzed

I woke up this morning and instead of getting to wish my wife happy birthday, I stayed in bed and cried, again. Today would have been her 59th birthday and the beginning of our 34th year together. In 2009 we fought and beat Stage IV colon cancer. In 2011 she was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer, which is a battle we lost on March 12, 2013. Since she passed, I have been a virtual zombie; there have been smiles and a few laughs for family and friends to keep from them having me locked up, but there's nothing alive inside anymore. It's been almost a year and I am just paralyzed with grief.

Comments for Paralyzed

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Jan 20, 2014
Paralyzed
by: Anonymous--MI

I know your feelings and pain. My husband died in Nov 2012 to SCA. When I think that perhaps I am progressing a little through the grief that is when I seem to take steps backwards. Everyone takes a different amount of time to work through this. I have come to accept this phrase that is so often said about grief. 'you will never get over it but you will get through it'. Really? What that says to me is " you will continue on living because you have to but for happiness?-no, not so much" I am sounding cynical and I am sorry. I am so missing my husband and our life. I have my faith in God to get to heaven when this journey of sorrow is finished.

Jan 20, 2014
Help
by: Lawrence

Oh! How I sympathize with you, the anguish and pain of losing your wife is without doubt a nightmare you feel you will never awaken from, there are no words I can say to ease your agony.
I lost my beloved adored wife just over a year ago after an exquisite seventy years together, from young teenagers to aged pensioners, it was like being separated from my Siamese twin, and needless to say I had no desire to live without her. We had two lovely daughters and many grandchildren; we thought it would go on forever.
I went through every symptom that you describe but believe it or not the feeling of devastation does ease as the months pass but you must help, feeling as you do is not what your sweet wife would want, she would wish you to start living again and get on with your life, you will never forget her and she will always be in your heart but tearing yourself apart as you are doing is not the answer.
Here I am offering you solace and help, if someone would have told me I would be able to do it twelve months ago I would have thought they were totally unable to understand what I was going through, so I have stood in your shoes and its hell.
This is my life now and I hope some of my suggestions will kick start a new life.
You are obviously computer literate so sit at your computer and write a book of your intense love for each other for your children to read long after you have gone.
Writing is a great therapy and perhaps who knows the world may want to read it too.
I have written dozens of novels and children’s stories it helped me tremendously after my own loss.
Get out of the house, even just going to the local library to read the newspapers, it will still be there when you return lonely and empty, as you left it..
I am learning to play bridge so go to your local bridge club and ask for lessons, it’s a wonderful way of exercising the brain. I am having violin lessons; I gave it up in 1943 after seeing this beautiful fourteen years old girl at our youth club and decided I would rather hold her than a violin. I put it in its case and it lay there for seventy years. I dusted it down and started playing again after my wife died and it has helped.
What I am trying to say is keep busy and I repeat “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE”
With sympathy at your loss
Lawrence


Jan 20, 2014
Paralysed
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your wife to cancer and how this has left you so very paralysed. I understand how you feel. Crying is the biggest part of grief so don't stop the tears. This is where your healing will come from. Healing is such a slow process and none of us knows how long this will last. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. He died of one of the worst cancers caused in the workplace. A substance not known years ago as being a dangerous material. I could not function for the first 6 months and did nothing. I seem to be having a relapse where the full feeling of grief has been felt even more now. I miss ironing my husband's shirts and his pants and levi's and all the lovely things I did for him that gave me pleasure and a reason to live. I can't help feeling that there is nothing left to live for, even though I do go on each day and make an effort to at least keep a clean house. But what an uphill struggle this is. Grief does paralyse us and then later on we feel the full wrath of grief like you are going through now. To lose our spouse is the worst thing that could happen to us. We can't get back the good times. They are gone forever. I guess our families will feel the same when we die, and so this cycle of life and death just keeps going on and on. Try and find a purpose in each day to make getting out of bed easier. If I didn't have health issues I could live a better life. But I am limited in being able to go out each day. I am housebound and so this makes me feel worse. I hope that you find Peace and Comfort in the days ahead that will help you to move forward better.

Jan 20, 2014
to paralyzed
by: Anonymous

Those of us who have lost the love of their lives know your pain. Tomorrow is a the day my grief began. Is it better? Better than what? I enjoyed living before because I shared it. Now we are but islands with no other land in sight. Call it what you want, depression, PTSD, survivors guilt, grief, it is all the same feeling of extreme loss, for which no one has any answers. All I know is that once in awhile in the past year I have peeked above the rim of the hole and even looking at the light of life it held no meaning. I am not sure how any of us get that back. I think those that do have a separate and different intention than me.

Good luck to you. I hope you find a way to quell the pain. I wish it was in any way different than what it is.

Jan 20, 2014
Paralyzed
by: Anonymous

Dear Paralyzed'
Just the fact that you were able to cry on your wife's birthday means that something inside of you is alive. The pain you feel now is gut wrenching I know. But you will claw your way through it and come out on the other side. Although it will never completely go away, you will be less and less disabled by it. The deep depression you feel right now is a normal stage of grief and will not last forever. If you can think of one thing that you are thankful for each day, it will help you ease back into the positive side of life. God bless you

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