Parent missing the kids, nonbiological lesbian parent
A baseline of sadness pervades my life. My kids, Mary and John are out there somewhere and I pray that they feel loved and safe. I pray that they are healthy and happy. I hope they remember that I love them today and always. I miss them every day. I hope they have found sane support and a reliable source of unconditional love. I hope they are growing into adulthood with all the hope,promise and tools they need to find peace and contentment in life.
During my break-up from their biological mother I had no legal rights and didn't want to do anything to make Mary and John's lives any more difficult. (i.e. trying to legally gain visitation rights) So I told them I loved them and told them about how special they are. In tears I told them I would miss them.
I told them I will always be here for them and that they could contact me any time they wanted. I thought their mother at least would allow them to call me and visit me.
As it turns out, the kids cannot contact me without appearing to 'choose sides' against each of their biological parents. Mary and John continue to be used as pawns in an ongoing war by both biological parents.
Even though I want to do so everyday, I have not fought the biological parents' request that I stay out of the kids lives.
For years Mary and John already had their biological parents continuing to fight over them. It made their lives hell.
Then each of their biological parents had a series of new girlfriends. Their father eventually remarried and I hope that was a positive step and that it became a stabilizing influence. Maybe their mother has also settled into a healthy relationship by now.
Maybe some day after Mary and John are adults I'll try to contact them. During the time of the break-up they were told many lies about me. Maybe they have no wish to see me again. For my own safety and stability it is important for me to have no contact with their biological mother.
I was the 'weekend' co-parent for Mary and John for more than 9 years while their biological mother was the designated 'non-custodial' parent following the divorce. I loved and cared for them during that part of their childhood in the best ways I knew how during extremely difficult circumstances.
All of this hurts so much, layered below everything as I live my life. I am thankful for the presence of God, my higher power, and for my church family. I am thankful for work and for the times I can see beauty, love and mystery in the world. I hope and pray to be in contact with my kids in the future. In the meantime I need to choose life over death and find ways to grow despite the pain and sadness.