Parent missing the kids, nonbiological lesbian parent

A baseline of sadness pervades my life. My kids, Mary and John are out there somewhere and I pray that they feel loved and safe. I pray that they are healthy and happy. I hope they remember that I love them today and always. I miss them every day. I hope they have found sane support and a reliable source of unconditional love. I hope they are growing into adulthood with all the hope,promise and tools they need to find peace and contentment in life.

During my break-up from their biological mother I had no legal rights and didn't want to do anything to make Mary and John's lives any more difficult. (i.e. trying to legally gain visitation rights) So I told them I loved them and told them about how special they are. In tears I told them I would miss them.

I told them I will always be here for them and that they could contact me any time they wanted. I thought their mother at least would allow them to call me and visit me.

As it turns out, the kids cannot contact me without appearing to 'choose sides' against each of their biological parents. Mary and John continue to be used as pawns in an ongoing war by both biological parents.

Even though I want to do so everyday, I have not fought the biological parents' request that I stay out of the kids lives.

For years Mary and John already had their biological parents continuing to fight over them. It made their lives hell.

Then each of their biological parents had a series of new girlfriends. Their father eventually remarried and I hope that was a positive step and that it became a stabilizing influence. Maybe their mother has also settled into a healthy relationship by now.

Maybe some day after Mary and John are adults I'll try to contact them. During the time of the break-up they were told many lies about me. Maybe they have no wish to see me again. For my own safety and stability it is important for me to have no contact with their biological mother.

I was the 'weekend' co-parent for Mary and John for more than 9 years while their biological mother was the designated 'non-custodial' parent following the divorce. I loved and cared for them during that part of their childhood in the best ways I knew how during extremely difficult circumstances.

All of this hurts so much, layered below everything as I live my life. I am thankful for the presence of God, my higher power, and for my church family. I am thankful for work and for the times I can see beauty, love and mystery in the world. I hope and pray to be in contact with my kids in the future. In the meantime I need to choose life over death and find ways to grow despite the pain and sadness.

Comments for Parent missing the kids, nonbiological lesbian parent

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Nov 24, 2012
Thank you
by: Louis John Baxter

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's tough to do that. It might not mean much coming from a stranger but remember life is a blink; no matter what happens, in this life or the next, you will in fact see them again. God is perfecting us all, continue to put your worries with God, He can handle them.

I pray that you're able to see them again soon and I pray that no matter what happens, you carry them with you in your heart and that you lean on God.

I Love you and I hope the best outcome for you.
Keep praying, Keep love in your heart, and be the best you can with what you have. That's all any of us can do. If you ever need someone to talk to let me know.

Nov 24, 2012
Parent missing the kids, nonbiological lesbian parent
by: Doreen U.K.

You are a wise Woman. You have put the needs of Mary and John as uppermost in your mind. You cared for them for 9 years and they won't forget all your interaction and care for them. If someone has lied about you John and Mary will work this out for themselves when they get older. They may come looking for you. Children are clever at spotting hypocrisy and will work this out for themselves. They are young and have divided loyalties, but this decision has been made for them about who they live with. They don't have the Choice in this. the Powers that be are the ones who make the rules and decisions. Children just have to go along with what is decided for their best interests whether this is fair or not. You are just caught up in the legalities. Feeling are not taken into consideration.
It will hurt you for a long time not having Mary and John in your life. You have the aching heart of a loving parent. There will always be legal reasons for a parent being denied access. It hurts when someone you love is missing from your life.
I am happy you have God in your life and the church for support. God is in control and sees the bigger picture. God can possibly bring Mary and John back into your life when the time comes. Often we just have to leave our hurts and needs with God and let Him work it out.
My Prodigal son left and came back after 5 years. He has left now and I have let him go to live his life his way. If I am included in his life or not I have to seek his happiness. Not mine. As painfull as this is. I wish you God's Peace and Love and Blessings.

Nov 24, 2012
Hand all to God especially kids
by: Anonymous

Dear non biological parent, I feel your pain, I feel you deeply. I am actually scared that you have been going through this painful experience for 9 years. Our painful journey is only about 7 months old and 9 years...

We lost our wonderful son,uncle,brother,cousin on 24 May, he passed on exactly six months ago today. We last saw his two beautiful kids (11yrs and 5 yrs) at the end of March 2012. Personally I spoke to his daughther on the day of his passing on the phone. We were both in tears and that was the last time I spoke to her. How painful life can be.

But like you - we took a decision not to "fight" because that would have been a double blow for them. We could not put them through that pain. Although painful to our mother for losing a son and "losing grand children" we opted to hand everything to the Almighty God. We sometimes worry if this is how my brother would have wanted us to handle the matter or would he have preferred us to "fight"....we don't have the energy though - his passing drained everything ounce of energy we had as a family.

We pray daily that God Almighty watches over them and guides them through to a meaningful and purposeful life. We know Father God will find a way of joining us together one day. We know they are going through the same pain as well because our bond with them was tight.

But anyway I pray God Almighty heal your pain and continue to surround you with genuine and supportive people who play a meaninful role in your life. Whether biological or not - the bond you had was genuine hence the pain still continues after 9 years. I pray for your healing, spiritual, emotional, psychological, etc.

My brother is gone 6 months today but the pain is excruitating.... we know in God's perfect time things will feel better. May your sould rest in peace Papa.

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