Partner died 6 weeks ago

by Alison Garrick
(Reading,Berks, England)

I'm Alison (42) and lost my partner John(51)of nearly 14 yrs to bowel cancer with liver mets on the 10th Feb 2012. He was diagnosed in Sept 2011 after we noticed swelling of his stomach (ascites)and he was admitted to hospital. We were initially told possibly 5yrs but in all likelihood maybe 1yr with treatment or months without, it was stage IV, terminal.. We were both in total shock and cried. Over the next few weeks he had a liver biopsy which confirmed tumours in the liver but they didn't know the primary source? More tests determined that it started in the bowel then spread, Chemo was arranged for the 1st Nov. After that 1st week he then got an abcess on the bowel and was back in hospital having it drained then, after that another drain as more fluid had accumulated. This abcess put his chemo back 1 month. NYE he was admitted again as he was short of breath. Called the Dr out and he said he should be admitted as he had fluid on his lungs. Great! During the 7 days he also had blood clots on the lungs but Oncologist said they'd start chemo again in January from scratch as he looked really well. The week after he was discharged, John's energy went downhill. Had an appointment with the oncologist on the 18th Jan regarding the chemo. He decided against it as John was too weak. John then asked what happens now and how many months he'd got left. Oncologist then said we're not talking months, we're talking weeks and we'll give you pain meds etc.etc. SHOCK. To cut a very long story short he said to John I don't think you'll be seeing Easter. WHAT! John's energy got a little better but not much. He was eating and drinking very little and was dozing on the sofa after only just getting up? On the 8th Feb he got up and his eyes were yellow. I called his Dr who came out as I knew it was jaundice. Also the macmillan nurse and district nurse arrived. His Dr said he'd declined since the previous week and to prepare myself for the worst. I said how long are we talking weeks or days? His Dr said days. No! he was admitted to the hospice that afternoon. The next day he was in/out of consciousness and had about 25-30 visitors (he was a very popular man). He recognised everyone and smiled, hugged them, and even put a thumb up. On the Friday, the 10th, he was basically unconscious all day. At on point it sounded as though he called out 'Ali' (me). He also reached out and said 'help me'. He passed away at 17.10 with me holding his hand. I was liver failure caused by the cancer. I'm still in shock as he was my best friend as well as partner. It was his birthday on Tuesday (20th March)so I went to see him. I only took down the sympathy cards today. I'm in a bit of daze sometimes as I dont' know how to carry on without him. We always went out socialising as a couple and were well known. John used to play football for many of the local teams in and around our town (he was brilliant from what I've been told and had just retired when we met i 1998), he was also a bouncer/doorman for over 20 yrs, and had a great group of friends from his 20's. The funeral was 'surreal' and we had about 300 people in the church (I knew he was popular, but that even shocked me). I just miss him so much.

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