Partners Suicide, Favorite Aunt's Death, Step Dad's Death

by Penny
(Allenspark, CO)

In August of 2006 I found out that my Step Dad (who raised me) was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. My partner and I made plans to move to Kansas to help. My partner was struggling with her Bi-polar meds, but was willing to make the transition.

I went to Kansas in September to find us a house, and on that night my partner killed herself. I talked to her on the phone that night and she told me she was going to do it and that she was sorry. I felt so very helpless as I was too far away to get home. I called 911 and they went to her house. She stood in front of them and shot herself.

I drove back and had to deal with her family and her funeral. I then moved to Kansas alone to help my Dad in November. In December I got the call that my favorite Aunt had passed away. I flew to Las Vegas to be at her funeral and felt fairly numb.

In December my step dad decided to try Chemo, he got his first treatment on Thursday. On Friday and Saturday he was very sick and I called 911. We took him to the hospital and he died on the following Thursday.

In June, I moved back to Colorado and felt very alone and had little communication with anyone. I cried alot and built an altar to all three of these people that I had lost in this short amount of time. I cried a lot, and felt that I was grieving normally.

In November I got a new job and moved to a very isolated cabin in the mountains. It was a very lonely and sad winter, but I made it. This past summer I finally felt like I was getting past the grief. I finally started to feel okay again and get back in contact with my friends.

In November this year I started hurting again and feeling depressed. I thought it surely wasn't depression, but then again maybe it is. It is so very hard to get through the Holidays without all those people you love so very much.

I am struggling with work, with my day to day affairs, and just want it to all go away. I handled all this much better when it was closer to the event. Now 2 years later I am struggling with it all again. I hate this feeling and wonder if my life will ever be normal again.

That's my story.