by Paulene
(Hemet, Ca)

On August 24th my husband was admitted to the hospital with a "bleeding ulcer". After 10 days of heavy medication and one test after another the doctor got us together to say it was not a bleeding ulcer but liver cancer that was too far gone to have treatment. My husband asked 'how long" and the doctor replied "less than 3 months". I think my heart stopped then and I continued to move but wasn't aware of it. I was sent home to receive equipment to keep him at home like hospital bed etc etc. Never had time to talk to him and say all the things we needed to say, but "oh well, he will be there for 3 months, we have plenty of time." By the time they brought my husband home, he had gone from me. Never spoke again and never looked at me again. He was kept heavily drugged, put in diapers and the nurses from hospice took over. I had time to tell him I loved him, loved our lives and never regretted a minute, be it good and bad times which we all have. I am angry that we never had time to say the things you want to say to your loved one that you are losing, and mad that they rushed me off when I could have been there before he "checked out" and had him to respond in kind. Every day is hard, and they seem to pass with out without me, and I see it happening but am just going through motions that I am not even aware of. He was my love, he was my life, he was my best friend and I can't seem to go on without him. Who do I discuss things with, who do I shop for, who do I cook for who do I plan the future with since he is gone? We could answer for each other, we could dream for each other. Many times I would talk and he would say - I just thought about that and was going to tell you ---------. That is what happens after 32 years together. I will never have this again and that is sad to me. I am better with him, I am better because of him. He loved me no matter what and always had my concerns first. I miss him and will always miss him.

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Nov 12, 2011
i feel your grief :(
by: Janis

I can't imagine losing my husband - your are "one" literally and have shared so much. We lost our 20 yod to leukemia this past December and the last week she was very medicated... she would "come up" every now and then and respond to questions - she tried so hard to speak to "be" in the moment. I have had such deep sadness at not being able to talk and share - to express all that was in my heart. Somehow i think, because they are in a perfect place, that they 'know'. I am struggling with anger i feel towards some of the medical community.... sometimes it just seems they are not as sensitive as they should be. I don't know about you but i find myself constantly replaying those moments and all the feelings that come with it. If i am able and at a place where i can my little phone has a Bible application that reads aloud to me and i will just put my earphones on and let the Lord talk to me. I'm surprised at some of the things that come from scriptures i thought i knew :) Or do the same thing with encouraging music. It won't "fix" it but it seems to be a balm for a while - just something to help us get to the next minute /
Pauline you will be in my prayers....

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