Peace Comes

by Kim

I am feeling a little melty today. My husband has been gone for six and a half months. The six-month mark, to the day, was the worst day of sadness and loneliness and even guilt and remorse. A few days later, I had a conversation with my daughter that really turned me around and for the last two weeks I have really been at peace. It was as though a switch had been turned off and the thawing out began and the clarity arrived and I was actually feeling optimistic about Spring's arrival and had faith in my ability to move on and had belief in the message that "It's okay, everything is gonna be okay." That's what I heard my husband say to me one early morning as I was waking up. He was gone, but I saw him and I heard him say that to me. I hold onto that, but here I am feeling melty again and the switch has been turned on again.

I know there are ups and downs. I know that I have experienced the first string of more good days than bad days recently. I know there will be more good days, and there will be more bad days, and I write this because although I don't feel like I'm slipping back to those awful dark days of the first six months, there will still be times when we all begin to thaw, feel better, move forward, yet experience the darkness occasionally. I have read so many really sad posts lately, and I hope that we all will get to a point where peace and acceptance becomes more prevalent in our lives.

I feel fortunate in many ways that after six and a half months, I have begun to heal; I expected in the beginning that I would never feel anything but the hole in my chest and the punch in my stomach and the ache in my heart. The punch has subsided and the hole has closed, but the ache will exist in my heart forever - even if it isn't aching as severely and as often. I am also fortunate to have loving, helping in-laws, children, and a three year-old grandson that keep me going every day. I am fortunate to be able to have friends and co-workers that understand. I am fortunate to have the ability to make a plan for busy, fun weekends if there is nothing else planned.

I know I don't want to be miserable, and that is the first breath I breathe each night at bedtime, and the first step I take each morning. It's beginning to get better...

Comments for Peace Comes

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Apr 14, 2011
Peace Comes
by: Pam

I was very inspired by your post...I am only 4 1/2 months in...but still having some good days. But as soon as I start talking about John the tears flow like there is no tomorrow. But reading your encouraging words make me realize that I am not going thru this alone, there are lots of us out there going thru this same thing, and it will get better in time.
Thank you for your post.

Apr 12, 2011
Goose Bumps
by: TrishJ

I actually got "goose bumps" reading your post. You hit it right on the head. I'm nearing the 4 and 1/2 month mark. I'm just starting to have one good day here and there. I have a good day and then for some reason I'm taken back to my husband's last day ~ the terrified look on his face as he was fighting to live and gasping for breath. Yes, the punch in the stomach, when the doctors said there was nothing more that could be done. The instant enveloping darkness, the overwhelming fear, the shaking hands, the feeling of if I don't sit down I'll pass out. It all comes back to me. I cry for two hours. I don't want to see anyone ~ don't answer the phone when it rings, don't want to get out of bed. Then I slowly start crawling out of my hole. I remind myself of the love we had for so many years. I tell myself that this was God's will and Joe is at peace. I think about all that remains in my life, my two healthy children, my adorable little grandsons and the wonderful family and friends who have been so supportive of me. Yes I have been truly blessed. Then I look outside and see the sun is shining. At least I can see the sun shining at this point.
I too know that there will be many more dark days ahead. This web site has helped me learn (from other brave and courageous spouses) that things will get better. I just have to be patient.
I just take it a day at time for now. I never know when I lay my head on my pillow how I will feel when I wake up in the morning. At least I know better how to deal with these feelings.
Thanks for a beautiful inspiring post. Peace and blessings to you and your family.

Apr 12, 2011
thank you
by: Jackie

Hi Kim, thank you for your words of encouragement. The six month mark for me is this Thursday the 14th and I am dreading it. I also have had some fairly good days, afterward I felt guilty for the little bit of normalcy I had. I went to the Social Security office yesterday and had a meltdown. Just talking about my husband's death is enough to set me off down that dark lonely path once again. I am glad that you are coping and doing fairly well. All of us here are in this together. Hopefully your post will bring us all some encouragement. Thanks, take care of yourself.

Apr 12, 2011
Peace Comes
by: jules

Kim - I loved your letter - it mirrors my feelings at about the same time, even now almost 17 months on - I still have occasional "melty" days - much less often now, and I think I will probably have them for quite some time - we were together 41 years - it is very hard to move from that to being "just me" - but I am getting there - making decisions, doing things for myself, going places, making new friends etc.

Keep writing on this site - it has been my lifesaver, my sounding block - and I am so grateful that I found it.

remember - every day - one step, one breath
take care

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