I am feeling a little melty today. My husband has been gone for six and a half months. The six-month mark, to the day, was the worst day of sadness and loneliness and even guilt and remorse. A few days later, I had a conversation with my daughter that really turned me around and for the last two weeks I have really been at peace. It was as though a switch had been turned off and the thawing out began and the clarity arrived and I was actually feeling optimistic about Spring's arrival and had faith in my ability to move on and had belief in the message that "It's okay, everything is gonna be okay." That's what I heard my husband say to me one early morning as I was waking up. He was gone, but I saw him and I heard him say that to me. I hold onto that, but here I am feeling melty again and the switch has been turned on again.
I know there are ups and downs. I know that I have experienced the first string of more good days than bad days recently. I know there will be more good days, and there will be more bad days, and I write this because although I don't feel like I'm slipping back to those awful dark days of the first six months, there will still be times when we all begin to thaw, feel better, move forward, yet experience the darkness occasionally. I have read so many really sad posts lately, and I hope that we all will get to a point where peace and acceptance becomes more prevalent in our lives.
I feel fortunate in many ways that after six and a half months, I have begun to heal; I expected in the beginning that I would never feel anything but the hole in my chest and the punch in my stomach and the ache in my heart. The punch has subsided and the hole has closed, but the ache will exist in my heart forever - even if it isn't aching as severely and as often. I am also fortunate to have loving, helping in-laws, children, and a three year-old grandson that keep me going every day. I am fortunate to be able to have friends and co-workers that understand. I am fortunate to have the ability to make a plan for busy, fun weekends if there is nothing else planned.
I know I don't want to be miserable, and that is the first breath I breathe each night at bedtime, and the first step I take each morning. It's beginning to get better...