Peanut Butter Barnes, The Love of My Life

by Becky Barnes
(Bellevue KY)

I got Peanut November of 2009, right before Thanksgiving. My boyfriend at the time told me to come over and as I walked into his room he was holding a small red, floppy eared mini dachshund. I quickly scooped her up and fell madly in love. I wasn't allowed to have a dog at my house with my parents, little did they know they had never met Peanut and fortunately for me and my little Peanut, they were under her spell as well. From that moment on me and Miss Peanut, my Diva, were inseparable. At night she would curl up next to me and if she heard anything she would bark. When I got home she would be standing on the couch barking because she couldn't stand it and wanted me to walk through the doors, her little tail wagging like crazy. On her first birthday I even made her a cake from a doggy cook book in the shape of a one and spelled out one on the top with dog food. She loved it!
It has been two days since I found out I lost the love of my life. We were leaving for Tennessee and my Fiancé put her in her crate, his sister would be over to take care of all of our dogs later. I hurried into the room where she was making sure to give her a kiss before we left. She was more concerned with the bacon treat in her crate. Still I scooped her up into my arms and kissed on her and told her I loved her. Little I knew this would be the last time I got to see, kiss and touch my baby. Three days later my Fiancé returned to our house from Vacation because of work and I stayed behind with my parents at our cabin. He called once he got home and told me Peanut had been vomiting and not acting herself. Our dogs have all vomited occasionally and I thought she had just eaten something weird. I told him to give her wet food, plenty of water and a warm bath but she would probably be fine.
The next morning, I woke up really late in my bed at the cabin. I was worried because we were supposed to get up early because it was our last full day of vacation. I went on the cabins deck where my parents were sitting. I sensed something was wrong because my mom looked as if she was crying. They told me Matt, my Fiancé, had called them and found her lifeless that morning. I screamed, I ran to my cabin room, threw things, I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't breathe. She was only 3. She would be 4 in September and this was not supposed to happen yet. My heart literally broke that morning. I cannot explain the feelings I am feeling right now. One minute I feel like I can do this I will survive. The next I feel hopeless, helpless and empty.
We buried her the next day. The vet wrapped her in her blankets I had made for her when she was a puppy. I felt like my parents’ house was the best place to let her eternally sleep. She loved it there. It's where she spent the majority of her life, I always felt bad for moving out and taking her away from that home.
I picked her up all wrapped up in her blankets to put her in the box we would lay her to rest in, I cried and hugged her, kissed her, told her goodbye, and that I would miss her too much. It helped to have some closure but now it is starting to set in. At night she isn't there licking my hand as I fall asleep. In the morning she doesn't get up and stretch and walk over to give me stinky morning breath kisses. I don’t hear her little paws pitter pattering on the floor behind me as I walk into the kitchen.
I feel guilty for leaving, like if I were there I could have done something. I feel helpless because I was a state away when she needed me most. I am confused because there was nothing wrong; this was out of the blue. I am mad because she was too young to leave me. I am heartbroken because she was my best friend and my love. I feel deprived because I didn't get to kiss her face and hold her close. I am scared I will forget how she looked. I am worried she was mad at me...
Depression consumes every waking minute now and I don't know how to function. I know time heals but I wish I could fast forward and not feel so alone and lost. I miss her. I miss my other half...

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Jun 15, 2013
Peanut Butter Barnes, The Love of My Life
by: Doreen U.K.

Becky I am sorry for your loss of Peanut. When we have loved ones it is normal to think we have them forever. But I realised that even babies die and children suffer cancer and so I had to accept my loss whether it was fair or not. The sad fact is Love HURTS. Death HURTS even more. We are deprived of loving more and having a life that we love with the ones we LOVE.
I have now altered my perspective that we can lose loved ones from our life anytime. So hold to our hearts the one's we have left and hold them loosely knowing we can lose them anytime. None of us knows when this will happen.
When we lose a loved one. Pet or person we feel as if our world has ended and our mind and emotions and even our body is assaulted with pain. We lose our motivation to live again or do anything. It is hard to get this motivation back. It has taken me over a year to be motivated to live let alone do anything else with my life but just get through each day. Keep a journal and write out all your experiences with Peanut. Give yourself a voice in your journal to tell Peanut what losing her has done to you and how you feel. Structure your journal how you want. You will have these memories forever and you will also begin to heal from your loss.
In time you may be able to own another dog and continue the cycle of giving and receiving love.
Don't hold yourself responsible or guilty for not being available. See things as they are. You were in another state. None of us can stop what we are doing or where we are in case some tragedy occurs, in case it never happens. If we did this we would stop living and our life would stagnate. Life will get better in time. But this can take a long time.

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