Please forgive my brain fart

by Donna
(Texas)

I was able to read my post from the 24th today (26th almost 27th computer/internet problems), and OMG I can't believe what I am reading. The only thing that I can think is it was close to 4 am before I actually was able to finish my post and I had what Bryan always called a brain fart. Something that you would never ever say or do, your brain malfunctions. The last part of my post I wrote "I think a small part of us will forever grieve for our loved ones, at least until we meet again someday." There is no way that a SMALL part of me will grieve forever, a HUGE part of me will always grieve him until we meet again. I know that I promised him that I wouldn't, but I can't help it, I don't know how not to. Even if someday (which I don't ever foresee) I was to meet someone he would have to understand that Bryan was, still is, and always will be a very large part of my life. After all we were together for 26 years, thats over half of both of our lives, together. We have three children and four grandchildren together. Also a burial plot with headstone already in place waiting on me right next to Bryan, all my children have to do is put my death date on it. This part of the post is really devastating to me. But, I know Bryan would say baby don't have an anxiety attack, I know that you didn't mean it, I know how much you love me and always will, quit beating yourself up right now. And I have to say ok I will, but really I still continue to beat myself up at least for a while. Bryan please know that I will try and fulfill my promise to you, but you will have to forgive me if I can't. Again I go one breath, one step, one day at a time until we meet again I love you always Bryan

Comments for Please forgive my brain fart

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Jul 27, 2011
We Don't Judge
by: Anonymous

Donna~
I agree with Zoe. We don't judge. Judgment equals fear. We are all in this together. We just have to do the best we can.
I don't use the past tense either when I talk about my love for my husband. I love him today more than I ever have. Even though he's no longer here in the physical sense.....I will love him more each day until the day I join him. We were together for 39 years. I was 19 when we met. I know no other life. I don't know how to live without him. As of today, the 8 month mark, I have no desire to learn how to live without him. I don't know if that will change over the next few years but I'm not looking for it to.
I wake up every day just asking God to get me through the day. I do the best I can.
We will always be here. As always....1 breath, 1 step at a time.
PJ

Jul 27, 2011
Butterfly nets and cotton candy
by: Zoe

Oh my you know the best part of the site is that there is no judgment here. We all understand the pain the lack of oxygen, sleep and food that affects us in this journey of grief. If we were all held responsible for everything we said here there would be a mass of men in white suits with cotton candy as a lure and butterfly nets to catch us all.
There is no right or wrong to this. Everyone resolves their grief differently. There are people who started on this site around the time that I did who have found new lives, who have refound themselves. Understand it was from this pain they have reformed. For me, not so much. The one thing that is true is there is no wrong way to grieve. There is no way to suffer the loss of what is half of you. I asked that once if you are with your beloved, and the two of you make a whole if one is ripped away, are you half, if so what half are you.
The fact is you will never again be the woman you were the day before Bryan was taken from you, just like I will never be the woman I was before John was taken. It is always too, soon to fast too hard to painful, whether it be two years or twenty or forty.
All we can do is try to get through this, try to come to a place where we can exist without the person we never saw ourselves without.
I am absolute in my conviction of how much John loved me. Why do I still worry that he did not know how much I love him. It seems to be a theme here. I hope John knows how much I love him
(notice that is not in past tense because I do not love him in the past, I love him now with the same passion and fire as I did before he was taken from me).
We do not judge here, because we understand. We understand posts that are duplicates, posts that barely make sense, posts that speak from our soul and whether they are written at 4 am or 4 pm they are equally as relevant. They are the drums of the madly whirling dance of grief. And we will dance to their beat until we are dancing with our beloved again.
One Breath, One Step, One day at a time.

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