Preparing for My Greatest Loss

by Barbara
(Clackamas, Oregon, USA)

I am 85 my husband is 89. We have lived together for 64 years. We have had three children, all boys. Two were twins, one died 24 hours old. The other was a lost soul the whole of his life. The youngest boy is my Rock of Gibralter. He is my strength. Yet, his family and his wife come first. As it should be. No one to talk to about my grief. If I try, no one wants to listen. I apologize to those of you who are religious. I am not. I have tried to be but for all the usual reasons, I have not been able to find solace in a God who can be so cruel as to let a baby die and a young boy unable to find peace in his life. Now a man, he has a beautiful wife who has advanced MS and we all know the end of that story. He has a son and two beautiful grandchildren of his own and yet he persists in estranging them from himself. He doesn't mean to, he just has never found peace with himself and I, his mother, will never understand why. And, I grieve for him, too.

So, I am living with and watching my husband as I prepare for his death. I am devastated. No matter that I am 85 and have had a long life with him already. Where do 85 yo's go when they lose their companion, their lover, their life. Don't tell me about other interests. I have had a career, I have had a life but now when my life is drawing to a close, I have to learn to do it alone. I help with Alzheimer patients. What an indignity has your God visited upon these poor souls! I am so much at a loss. I can barely face each day. I still keep him clean, comfortable and keep him company. I do all I can for him to make his life cheerful and without pain. What can I do for myself? Help