Preparing for My Greatest Loss

by Barbara
(Clackamas, Oregon, USA)

I am 85 my husband is 89. We have lived together for 64 years. We have had three children, all boys. Two were twins, one died 24 hours old. The other was a lost soul the whole of his life. The youngest boy is my Rock of Gibralter. He is my strength. Yet, his family and his wife come first. As it should be. No one to talk to about my grief. If I try, no one wants to listen. I apologize to those of you who are religious. I am not. I have tried to be but for all the usual reasons, I have not been able to find solace in a God who can be so cruel as to let a baby die and a young boy unable to find peace in his life. Now a man, he has a beautiful wife who has advanced MS and we all know the end of that story. He has a son and two beautiful grandchildren of his own and yet he persists in estranging them from himself. He doesn't mean to, he just has never found peace with himself and I, his mother, will never understand why. And, I grieve for him, too.

So, I am living with and watching my husband as I prepare for his death. I am devastated. No matter that I am 85 and have had a long life with him already. Where do 85 yo's go when they lose their companion, their lover, their life. Don't tell me about other interests. I have had a career, I have had a life but now when my life is drawing to a close, I have to learn to do it alone. I help with Alzheimer patients. What an indignity has your God visited upon these poor souls! I am so much at a loss. I can barely face each day. I still keep him clean, comfortable and keep him company. I do all I can for him to make his life cheerful and without pain. What can I do for myself? Help

Comments for Preparing for My Greatest Loss

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Jan 02, 2012
Nothing Can Prepare For the Heartbreak
by: Judith in California

Barbara, do all you can do for him as you wait for God to stop his suffering . Your time will come to grieve and rest and know in your heart you did all you could for him.
I had a 3 year wait before my husband passed and I thought time to prepare and think about his passing but nothing is like the actual pain that comes from their passing . You just can't prepare for that, ever. You think you can imagine what it will be like but nothing can ever come close. It is the most pain I have ever felt even with all the so-called preparing.

I lost mine 1yr and four months ago and I'm still heartbroken. BUt, I am resting and not constantly busy caring for him 24/7 as I did. I was his arms, legs, total caregiver until the end. He lacked for nothing as people will tell you. I kept him impeccably clean and well dressed and the best healthcare money could buy. I also jhad the terrible moments of watching my most handsome man go into a failure to thrive mode and wither away to skin and bone. It borke my heart each day.

I pray you will find peace and care for yourself for your remaining life and that if you should need care in hte end that you will have the same love and caring you gave him.

I pray you will rest and know God is with you.

Dec 30, 2011
Our 24 Year Old Sons
by: Carol, Seans Mom

Barbara, You are so right. You had a long life but it does not make it easier. You caught my attention with your son because I am a 49 year old mom who just buried my 24 year old son Thanksgiving week. You also lost a son at 24. I know you wonder what is next but maybe you can give advice to others like myself in how you got threw the death of your 24 year old. I am sorry his brother seems lost. I know how he feels these days. My life has changed drastically in a month. I dont want to be around people who I feel dont understand. I know you are going threw a lot and for that I am sorry but maybe you can help others with some experiences you have lived threw. I would love to listen. Thank you

Dec 30, 2011
grieving wife and daughter
by: Anonymous

I share your grief. I lost my husband and my mother within four months of each other. I am inconsolable. My husband was 92 and died of kidney failure, and my mother was 89 and died of Alzheimer's Disease. My mind tells me that they are no longer suffering and in a better place. To have had them remain in their deteriorated condition instead of going when they did was a release for them. I am feeling sorry for myself because I no longer can touch them, talk to them. Death is so permanent. I too struggle with faith issues. I hope there is an after life because the thought of never seeing them again is to awful to imagine.

Dec 30, 2011
by: Anonymous

I am now 50. 2 daughters. Both in their 20's.
My wife was diagnosed in 2006, at age 46. Lived until 49. I can't go into details, as they would only sadden me further. A younger person looks at an older persons grief as, they have had their happiness, to a relative extent. An older person looks at a younger widow, and might think that they can start again. I do not see it this way. I think grief is grief. No matter what age. I have met many widow(er)s in their 20's, who have seemingly given up on life.
I have no answers. All I can say is that I hope you peace. Whether one believes in a God or not. Somehow, life is the only choice, as I see it. I can't even explain how full of life, and how beautiful my wife was, when she died. And all she wanted to her dying day, was to make sure her child and I would be Ok. And I can only now see what life means. And I still hold some level of hope for tomorrow. Because that is ALL she cared about. I think there is no other choice. But to try to live on, with some sort of peace and dignity.

Dec 30, 2011
always pray.
by: laraib arif

hello iam 14 years old. my mum died when i was 8 years old she had cancer but iam a muslim and i do believe in god and religion. i read your grief blog. darling cheer up dont be sad. dont think that your so old that youre going to die may god give you 100000 million years to live longer than i or anybody else lives up to. i dont know much about life but when my mum died i felt like i was a little baby and someone snatched away my dummie. i feel devasted to. and anyway wich person in the world got everything they ever wanted? dont be sad live your life with your husband. have a good meal sit down with your husband and talk about memories get your oldest picture album out and just chat. never give up. just try to pray and trust me you will get sattisfaction with how calm praying makes feel. your baby at least you gave birth to a beautifull son some mothers dont even get that opertunity granted by nature science and god. its al in his hands leave your future to his hands and i bet you life would feel like the most special thing you have ever owned just chilll madamme take care xxxxx laraib arif 14, uk

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