profound and utter sadness

by Maravonda

I went on a cruise and a beautiful man, a performer, made some romantic overtures. He is much younger than me...prefers older women...the cougar thing, i guess. Anyway, every week or ten days for four months i would pick him up in port and we would make love and talk and they were the best months of my entire life. He is Eastern European, so when his contract ended, he had to go back to his country. He loves his home and does not want to live here, also he is young and trying to make his living, which is obviously the main thing for a man.
I believe that he loved me as much as he is capable of, but the simple geography makes it impossible, as well as the difference in our ages. But as a dreamer, i keep praying that somehow he will return to me and we will be happy together for a time. The practical part of me knows that he isn't coming back, and even if he did, he would never be faithful. So i am left feeling that my heart is ripped out. And because we still care for one another (my commitment being the more intense, i admit), i feel there is no closure...that he may return to me. The pain and grief feels more than i can bear. And every day i have to get up and bear it again.

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