Progress report number 2

by LAWRENCE
(UK)

PROGRESS REPORT NUMBER 2.

It will be seven months today since my sweetheart passed away and I would like to describe my life now.
I am still desperately lonely and miss her terribly but I have tried to fill my days, I have joined two local orchestras which will be starting in September, having been a violinist since the age of eight until I was fifteen when I met this wonderful girl and decided I would rather hold her than the violin. I am now looking for a teacher to bring me up to standard. One of the orchestras is called “THE SILVER SURFERS” and it is for anyone who plays a stringed instrument of my age and the other is an amateur orchestra who gives concerts for charity, so I am practicing hard..
I am also trying to learn Bridge which I am finding incredibly difficult but I will persevere until I get the hang of it.
I have started writing again but the words do not flow as easily as they did. My song writing has come to a complete stop as all my songs were of love for her and the inspiration has gone.
I tried last night to sing and play on the guitar Roger Whittaker’s ”THE LAST FAREWELL” but failed miserably bursting into tears at the last verse.
I am still grieving badly and the tears flow daily,the longest walk is the one up the stairs to an empty bedroom. Although something strange happened last night, when I entered the room there was a strong smell of her perfume which wasn’t there earlier in the day, I sincerely hope it was a sign from her that she is watching over me.
I speak occasionally to grief counselors on the phone if I get too lonely on an evening and they are all unanimous in telling me how lucky I was to have had such a deep passionate love that lasted for seventy years and I still thank the good Lord for sharing her with me for all that time.
So, bottom line is, I am still heartbroken but trying to get on with my life, difficult as it is without her, but with a small degree of success but nothing can fill that ache in my heart that I know will never heal.
The memorial stone is nearly ready with words that try to describe our deep love for each other.
Lawrence

Comments for Progress report number 2

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Aug 18, 2013
progress report from Lawrence
by: silver

Dear Lawrence and others like us,It has been 2 yrs since my soul mate left me to go home.I also feel he is looking down and watching over me.It took me awhile to feel that.Like you I lost the will to write.(I write poetry).I lost the will to work and retired about 7 months after he died.It is so hard to go to bed and know those arms that held you aren't there anymore.We are all different in how we grieve and I reached the lowest point at the 15 month mark.I admire you for continuing to try to go on.Unless you have been there you don't really understand the loss.My mother followed my father 7 months after he died.I couldn't understand why she just quit living until it happened to me 11 months later.I miss his presence.I go to the store and for a few seconds expect him to be there when I get home.So I know the loss you feel.We were married for 33 yrs and were good friends for 4 yrs previous to that.You don't just say,"Oh well." and go on.I think it's harder than the loss of your parents or siblings.I say this because I have been there also.I grieved for them but your soul mate is your strongest bond.That's what GOD intended anyway.The Bible says two become one and that is the way I felt.I send you my prayers of support as you try to find your way.As my children say to me,"You're not allowed to give up.Do you hear me." GOD send you strength and peace.

Jul 29, 2013
Music
by: Alan

Lawrence, thank you ever so much for updating us, I look forward to reading your posts here. You are truly an inspiration, your love of music is clear in the words you share with us. More importantly, the Love you shared with your wife comes shining through in everything you write. Like you, I choose to try and live on the best that I can, as difficult and lonely as it is. Keep practicing, Lawrence, I know in my heart your lovely wife is smiling, all the while guiding you and waiting 'till the day you're together again.

Again, Thank You.

Jul 27, 2013
progress report # 2
by: Cathy

Hello Lawrence.
So sorry for the loss of your beloved wife of 70 years. I lost my husband suddenly of a massive heart attack 1 year ago. We were together for 33 years. The grieving and sadness is still there, some days worse and some days pretty good.
Sounds like you are on the right track. Congratulations. This should help you a lot, take your mind away from the pain. I hope in time it will just get better and better for you. I think as long as you are trying this will eventually happen. You are an inspiration for the rest of us. I know what you mean about the writing. I was starting to take an interest in writing fiction about a year before my husband passed away, but now the initiative just isn't there. Eventually I would like to try it again. But I did go to the Alzheimer's society to volunteer for various activities. Gives me something to do and take my mind off of me. I'm rooting for you Lawrence. You deserve some happiness in your life again.

Jul 27, 2013
Progress report number 2
by: Doreen U.K.

Lawrence Thank You for your update and progress report. You have come so far in your grief. I can certainly feel a difference in your writing and being positive.
We know that we will have many rough days of grief on going but they will not last as long as at the beginning. You will one day sit down to write and the words will flow again. You have just become stuck in grief and this is just a temporary blockage.
You are such an inspiration to many of us still struggling with grief and not moved forward as you have. But I am not making a comparison. It just shows me that if you can do this then there is Hope for all of us. I remember those early days when your grief was so strong we feared for your life. You have got your life back and I guess God is looking after you and watching over you. What you have expressed here is nothing short of a miracle. God is going to heal you inside and your grief won't hurt so much. To have had 70yrs. of living with your wife is a Blessing and you will see her again when Jesus comes back to earth for us as He promised. Best wishes for the months and years ahead.

Jul 26, 2013
Progress report
by: Mari

Lawrence you are a wonderfully talented person and a giving person.Your talent is God given and it sounds as if you are using it in a positive way, to bless others.
Seven months is a very short time since your loss and you need more time to grieve.It is a day by day process but time goes by and you will have healing in due time.It is quite natural to still be grieving as it quite simply has not been long since your loss.But God will be with you and help you a long the way.
It will be 4 years in Nov since my husband went to be with the Lord. He had numerous health issues.One morning I could not wake him up. I was heartbroken.Our local police dept was simply wonderful and comforting and church members and friends. Everyone was here for me.
The perfume you smelled is a memory.It is a common thing when someone passes. One day about year after I lost my husband my grand daughter and I came home and she said,''What's that smell Grandma?'' It was coming from my room and quite strong. It was the colonge my husband used. This happened many times for some time.Just last year I was driving in Fresno and it occurred to me to press the onstar button in the car to let my husband know where I was. I actually started to press the button.I had always let my husband know where I was since I worked 4 facilities owned by the same company. We used to laugh about my whereabouts as he never knew just exactly where I was at a given time.
Now I feel much better. I have my job and I have my church and yes I still miss him.I am busy and much happier.I went through the same things you are going through now.I am thankful for our time together. If I were you I would give God thanks for the time you had together. Have faith that each day will be made anew for you with healing. God bless you. Mari

Jul 26, 2013
Lawrence
by: Judith in California

Just as we carry a deep love for them we will carry a deep sadness within us from the heartbreak of loss.

It's been 2 years 10 months for me and I see no chance of it leaving me . We had 35 1/2 years together. if only we could have had 70. WOW! you did have a lifetime together.

Yes, we are the walking lost. we function as normally as possible throughout each day but come each evening we know so well the lonliness.

It's good that you are pursuing you God given talents. The writing will come to you through your memories and so what if you cry it just adds a human touch.

May God continue to give you strength to get to the peceful side of this horrible grief ride.

Jul 26, 2013
Dear Lawrence,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am so glad to hear from you again. No need to be concerned about slow progress in dealing with your grief. I think you have done amazingly well, after being with a beloved spouse for so many years. I believe one never really "gets over" grief. We just learn how to compensate and accept. As time goes by, the memories will become more pleasureable. You have so many to treasure. I think your memories will become fuel for your writing inspiration and if you end up crying, there is nothing wrong with that. Tears cleanse the soul.

You are so blessed with musical talents and seem to be trying new ventures as well. Keeping busy and trying to find new things to enjoy are very therapeutic. However, I somewhat disagree with the counselors you have spoken to. While it is so true that you were blessed to have a long life with your beloved wife, even 70 years is not enough, when it comes to dealing with such a personal loss. I would not have chosen the word "lucky" as you say the counselors have told you. When my father passed, he was 90 years old, but even 90 was not enough for me. I prefer to see losing the physical presence of our loved ones as just a part of the life cycle that God has created for us. We are born, live on this earth, then our spiritual presence is born. If you read St. Francis of Assisi, the last line of his famous prayer reads "and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." When you smelled your loved one's perfume, it was the presence of her spirit. She is simply in her eternal life, watching over you with her angelic presence.

Since you have not had such good luck with counselors, I think a grief support group might be more helpful. Everyone in the group will be dealing with their own losses and you might find you can relate to them better than a counselor. People who are grieving all feel lost. You might even be able to make new friends. As they say, "misery loves company." That remark was not made to belittle your loss. It simply means that in loss the loneliness and sadness can find some comfort in others who know the same pain.

As I am sure you know, there have been some well-known musicians and singers who have written music in the memory of their lost loved ones. I think your time is coming. I can't wait to hear Lawrence's sonata to his beautiful wife!

I can tell you are a beautiful man who loved deeply and is crying out to express that love in music. Keep working on it. I want to hear it. I wish I could meet you. You are doing very well. I look forward to progress report #3! Pat

Jul 25, 2013
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Lawrence,
Thank you for posting this update. I have read several of your posts along the way, and they have helped me work through my own grief, and to better understand my Mother's grief. I lost my father to sudden cardiac arrest in January. He and my mother would have been together 50 years this coming October. One day he was here, and the next day he was gone. The shock, the guilt and the loss have been unbearable at times, but we try to focus on how lucky we both were to have had such a wonderful man in our lives for as long as we did. I hope my mother can one day begin to move forward as you are. It is a slow and painful process, but we try to remain faithful and treasure our memories. I wish you peace-Barb

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