Questions without Answers

by Donna
(The Netherlands)

It's only two weeks since my husband of nine years left this life and far too soon for me to share much of our story. But there are so many questions need answers even though most of the answers will have no meaning yet, not for me. If I could talk to him once more, he could probably answer every question - he was always good at that - so this is what I would ask.

It is 5am and I reached across the bed to touch your shoulder, to feel your warmth, to feel you breathe, but you have gone and there is only the pillow where you once rested your head and slept. How do I go on without you?

So many times a day I pause and turn to say something to you, but you have gone there is only an empty space where you once sat and listened so patiently. Who will I talk to without you?

Each morning I pour the coffee into the cup, only one cup now where once there were two, because you have gone though your cup is still here and I sometimes feel as empty as that cup. Why is it that now I must drink alone?

How can I go for a walk, feel the warmth of the sun, hear the song of a bird, see the first blooms of spring, smell the roasting of cocoa, drive the car, mow the lawn, plant new flowers, trim the hedges, shop for groceries, make plans for the future, do the hundreds of things we always did together? You have gone and with you
my future has gone. You left behind not one but two empty shells, yours and mine, both of us destroyed by the disease that took you from me.

How can I look at photos, remembering the memories we made together knowing now it has all ended with no happily ever afters anymore. Did it - did I- begin and end with you? How do I find my new beginning? Who will I become without you?

Comments for Questions without Answers

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Mar 17, 2011
the roller coaster of grief...
by: Anonymous

Donna,

I might have written your exact same words. I have wondered many many times how I am supposed to enjoy life without the very person that made my life complete.

That old rock opera that sang day by day sums it up I can't recall all the words but the jist of it is that we will survive "day by day."

I recall in early grief asking over and over not just why? But where do I go from here? How long will this suffering go on? I can not bare it another day! But we do, there will be another sun rise to greet and another moon to view.

I like to think that we are seeing things through our eyes for them. Always wishing that they were here to share the beauty. The beauty that is so very hard to see as grief puts blinders on us.

We will make it, there is no other way. Forever ago yesterday my life changed and we will change with it with or without our consent.
HH

Mar 16, 2011
How do we?
by: Judith

Donna, You ask the questions so many of us ask. How do we go on and enjoy the sounds of spring, meaning life anew when the life we want is dead? How do we go to bed and get up each morning without them beside us to never touch them or be touched again? How do we adjust to this new normal of emptiness?

Donna, we must go on because we have to honor their memory by living and taking care of ourselves now. We have to love ourselves and be healthy and get the exercise we need , eat right, enjoy reading a book, going to a movie or listening to music and do the things that we couldn't do when we selflessly took care of them until god took them. I know my Chuck would want me to do all this because he felt he robbed me of it. I told him none of it mattered because he was more important. But you and I and all the ladies who are now widowed know we are important too. We've earned the right to focus on ourselves tho they will always be with us in our hearts.
Take care and one day at a time you will get through this as we will. god Knows he has plans for each of us.

Mar 16, 2011
You are loved...
by: Maxine

Donna you do not know me nor I you, but the love we have for our partners is very strong and will get us through. Keep your heart open Donna and invite in all the love around you.

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