Ramblings and Reflections of a Greif Stricken Zombie

by Anonymous Momma
(midwest, USA)

1967-my dad died at the age of 27 on my brother's bday
1982-mom has pear sized tumor removed from her brain
1983-house catches fire. mom put in nursing home afterwards.
1985-unmentionable year
1989-I have an "adenoma" (small tumor) on my brain.
1993-mom dies at age 53
2007-husband almost dies from West Nile. Lasting speech and physical disabilities. Grandma dies and relatives don't even let us know.
2012-Son in horrible car wreck has miraculous recovery in one month's time instead of 8 week prediction.
2013-Same son-another wreck (10 months later). Dies at age 21.

Expect sarcasm (I'm famous for it) Ignorant people have:

came up to me and said things like, "THAT was a really BAD wreck!" No kidding? My son is dead. Duh.

Asked for specifics. Just because I'm not crying in your face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sent me PICTURES even after I was very specific about not wanting to see pictures. Thanks for that. These play over and over in my over active imagination like a BAD movie.

Have shown my younger son (age 19) pictures.

One lady left a beer can on my son's grave because that's how everybody wants their loved one remembered, right? She sent me a text the day of the funeral at 11 at night telling me she couldn't find my son. Imagine what I WANTED to say. I was nice and told her how to find the grave.

One "friend" unfriended me, all my friends, and my dead son because I was too stressed at the hospital to return her phone calls every single time. She still calls and leaves me messages because she doesn't know that I know she 'unfriended' me. Sorry that hurt.

And then you have the people who let you know what they want that was your sons. Back off stupids.

The pastor hinted at the funeral that my son might not have made it to the other side based on the George Strait song we selected to be played. This has brought me more pain than all the other stuff. My son told me about a month before he passed that he knew he had made a lot of mistakes but wanted me to know he believed in God. I told him: That's all it takes. Profess with your mouth, believe in your heart and ask for forgiveness. He also hounded his little brother the last couple of weeks of his life saying, "you better believe in God." Apparently in the Pastoral world none of this counted.

My son's ghost has been seen at least twice. Once by my husband and the other by one of my son's close friends. I pray every night for God to bring my son to him and to tell him again that I love him. I don't want him walking this earth but living eternally in Heaven.

A relative that we broke off contact with in 2005 re-wrote and re-posted my son's obituary after we had already published it in the big city paper. Really? Yes. Another Aunt who knew we prefer no contact with that relative called those family members up to share the news of our son's death. And then she shared the response with me: "I don't care."

I have been raising funds for a scholarship to create the only legacy my son will ever have. My son had over 600 friends on FB. His closest friends haven't even given a dollar, but they would have dragged him to a bar and bought him a drink.

My heart is broken and will never be whole again. Just when I think my life can't possibly get any worse it does. This one hurts the most. Most people think I'm doing great, but I'm not. I'm tired of hearing how strong I am. Do you know what makes a person strong? See the list above.

I believe in the ever after (just not he Earthly Happily Ever after). Shame on people who add to the burdens and grief of those of us who have been impaled in our hearts with such fathomless grief.

I find peace knowing that my son helped others by being an organ donor, and the last words he said to me was "I love you mom," and mine were "I love you too." My last text wasn't very nice but oh well. We aren't perfect. If we were we wouldn't need Jesus. I cry myself to sleep every night, and he is the first thing on my mind every morning. I think of him constantly. I miss looking at him. I miss his silliness. I miss his insecurities and impulsiveness. There are things I don't miss about him too and of course that makes me judge myself and have guilt. At least I have the awareness to know.

I don't ever want to go back to work. I don't want to be in a crowd of people I know because what will one of the insensitive brutes say or do next. It is so sad that so many of us are in the same boat but reassuring too. I really would just die too if my husband and other son didn't need me so much. It hurt to never see him reach his full potential. Life is too long without him. One more major tragedy in this life, and I am calling it quits. I think I've earned that right. That's just big talk. Remember, I'm strong.

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Jun 28, 2014
If you all are still checking in....
by: Anonymous Momma

I was bored so I checked back in...that took quite a bit of scrolling. I have read all of the comments everybody has left. Me, I still pretend to be okay but like another writer said he is like constant background music in my head (and sometimes not so background). I have taken up a new habit of screaming at the top of my lungs while driving in the country. I do this about once a week, and it actually does make me feel better. Try it. YOu may not have a voice left afterwards, but who feels like talking when you've reached that point? Reached the one year anniversary last month. That sucked as expected. That day, his birthday and wheat harvest are the worst. Today I found some audio on my phone where I had recorded him during one of his rants. That really brought back the bad times, but it's not like I've forgotten the bad parts. There's a youtube video of him in a commercial where he is devastatingly handsome and so much like his happy self. I can't watch that, but it is comforting to know it is there. His voice is also on my husband's cell voicemail. Sometimes that takes me by surprise. Other times I hope my husband doesn't answer even if it is just my son saying his dad's name. I thank God when I remember something special about him growing up or more recent. I really should be writing those things down. I have a terrible memory...have always been a live in the moment kind of person. Well, I am rambling so I will wind this up. I honestly believe I live in denial 80% of the day, and then out of nowhere thoughts and smothered awareness creep in. I'm okay with that, but I'm waiting for the day where I crumble and fold alone, in a crowd, at work or wherever it finally happens....prayers for you all.

Jan 15, 2014
well, holidays are passed, and...
by: Anonymous Joe's mom

I survived the holidays, with no one noticing my zombie state. Mostly, people talked around me, not really directly to me. I spent an hour or two with people I rarely see, who must have noted the difference but did not comment. I broke down on the 26th, what a rough day. Now it is January, I am back at work, trying to actually make progress and thinking about how I can design my son's headstone. It has been 6 months and I would really like to have the stone in place before his April birthday. Wondering how you are and if you still feel the same? Rarely write anything, mostly just read as I still have no help for others, just agreement that losing a child (no matter the age or way) SUCKS!!!

Nov 20, 2013
another sarcastic grief-stricken mama
by: Anonymous Joe's mom

Your last paragraph could've been mine except I went back to work after one week and was truly a zombie. I must say, mostly I have been blessed by MOST people keeping their inane ideas of sympathy words to themselves. If it were not for my pain and knowing I do not want my surviving son and husband to feel any more pain, I have no need to stay...but then I tell myself, I can do this, I am so strong and I do not let people see much of my pain. Like you, I know that unless the person has lost a child also, they cannot fathom and so well-intentioned that I just ignore any statements that are meant to comfort me. I found a poem that said "having children is like having a piece of your heart outside your body, running around in the world" and that sentiment is preferable to one of the pieces is no longer running around in the world, a piece of my heart was pulverized when my son died. The only really hurtful move was when my son's birthfather insisted on attending burial and though I had asked his mother to convey his attendance was accepted if he would keep his distance, he HAD to come up to me and say the "right" words for him...and hug me...my older son said he thought the world would end at that moment. Although he did not say something to cause me to scream, did I not have the right to ask that he keep his distance? He has a right to his feelings, but since he was never a father to that child in any way, a better show of respect would have been to honor my request and keep his distance. I would have borne anything at either son's request in regard to him, but neither son would have wanted me to endure any additional pain on that day, so only he could force that on me. WOW, I wish I did not hurt and cry each day, but luckily, my solitude allows me to scream, cry, whatever in the car on the way to or from work and grief counselor works well for me. Hang in, as we work through the feelings, I hear life is going on around me...here come the holidays, oh NO, the firsts that I REALLY dread. I wonder if anyone will notice if I am in my zombie state?

Aug 10, 2013
To Anonymous Momma
by: Sylvia

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my 27-year-old son to cancer last year so I do know how you feel. Some parts of your story struck a chord with me, both the bad and the good. After we found out my son was terminal, I would constantly tell him 'I love you' and he would respond 'I love you too'. After he died, I felt like I wanted to go with him. Friends would tell me I had to keep going for my husband and our other children but I feel the same as you - if anything happened to any of them, I couldn't go thru this again. Yes, I've had my share of insensitive people - Did you know that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" (*/??) Also, no one is perfect including the ones we've lost. I don't think its bad to remember them as they truly were. We will always love them, warts and all. One of the hardest things I've had to learn was not to feel guilty about enjoying life's good moments again. I continue to fight thru that one. If our places were reversed, I would want my son to take joy from life. When my son died, I thought about him and cried for him so much, I felt like I was going crazy. 18 months later, I don't feel as crazy. Think about him every day like background music in my head. I don't talk about him much but I don't shy away from talking about him if anyone asks. I still have bad days but the good days are starting to outnumber them. I'm in grief therapy, not group, and that's really helped me alot. Just saying. Thank you for writing about your son. Just know you are not alone. Wish you well and better days ahead.

Jul 03, 2013
and does life go on?
by: Anonymous Momma

I read where another mother in this horrible position mentioned how everybody else's life moves on, but 'we' want to scream and yell that it can not go on without our beloved "child." So true. My son had over 600 'friends' on FB, and I have around 300. I go for days without hearing from anybody. Have been trying to raise money to endow a scholarship in his name and it saddens me to think that probably less than 5% of our "friends" have donated yet there were probably 500 people at the social event of the month-His Funeral (sarcasm is my specialty). I feel like I'm beating a subject into the ground, but I know if my boy was here many of those "friends" would be calling him out for beer. Death of a child hurts on so many levels and in so many directions. I have "good" days and BAD days and feel guilty on the "good" days.....

Jul 01, 2013
Thanks
by: Anonymous Momma

Thank you for the kind words and insight by all of you. It helps hearing from those who are where I'm at or who have been there. Too bad this site doesn't have a chat feature, but not even sure if I could handle that. Thanks again.

Jun 28, 2013
Well said
by: Margi

PAIN! That no one or words can take away....your words spoke volumes of truth.

Know that I acknowledge your son's life. his legagy comtinues thru your words your profound love for him is plain to see from your expressed deep pain.

My life changed forever on 01/13/2013 all I have now is pain because of my love for my son and that the legacy I must struggle to live with....

Jun 28, 2013
The right to grieve
by: Anonymous

Another Mom/zombie who could have written this. I know.
My son's accident shattered our world. 5 months and still am not functioning. No real support. Others could not possibly come close to understanding the pain.
I hear yours. Yes, you do have a right to endure and express this grief that no one would ever want to truly understand.

Jun 28, 2013
Troubles and Trials will soon be gone
by: Doreen U.K.

I ran out of space but wanted to say that it was bad enough losing my husband only to find out that his brother being the matriarch of his family did not like me burying his brother (my husband). I am a Christian and my husband became a Christian and kept it quiet for 44yrs of our marriage because he knew his family would object. They tried to break us up. I endured a lot of trials in this 44yrs. we were together and God carried us through them all. This is the only peace I have now he has died is that his family can't get to us anymore. or SO I THOUGHT. My husband wanted a cremation. His family believe in a burial. So for their respect and honour I buried my husband. I knew he would not be angry since his life was gone out of him and I was honouring his family out of respect. But my husband wanted a Christian burial. His family gave me the hardest time. I was practically cursed and blamed for making up the cremation story to hurt them. My niece in Canada was blasted for her website and my daughter's cancer website for her father had to be shut down as the nieces were putting on lewd remarks against us. Thank God we kept quiet. We handed it over to Law enforcement. But this made them more angry that I had the house my husband left me.
I started having on going problems with the house e.g. cracks in walls and ceilings, leaking roof, and several other problems with my health where I couldn't move and these last months with grief and severe pain has left me depressed. I asked God what is going on. To cut a long story short. These nieces have put a curse on my property so I get confused where to spend the money and I run out of money. There seems to be no end to my suffering. God is my Strength and my Deliverer. This is my HOPE. Some battles we can't fight in life and in our own strength. People can be very cruel at a time in our life when we need the opposite. A lot of suffering we endure also when we believe in God and stand up for Truth and righteousness. I have written this testimony to give other people encouragement and strength and Hope to NEVER GIVE UP.! Hold onto JESUS. When people come against you. God knows. He sees it all. There will be a day of accountability. God will see us through all our Trials and Grief.

Jun 28, 2013
Ramblings and Reflections of a Grief Stricken Zombie
by: Doreen U.K.

I am so sorry for all your losses. Don't apologise for how you feel and how you express those feelings. You have earned the right to do so. Pain like this is mind blowing. You mentioned that you had a TUMOR. I hope you are doing well. You didn't say so.
You have been through so much in life that you do wonder if it could get worse, and often it does. You will also find out who your REAL FRIENDS/family ARE. It is usually the people you think of that will cause you the most harm and stress at a time you don't need this. I can't get my head around this insensitivity. I should think that you and many of us feel like STOPPING THE WORLD AND GETTING OFF. Much Grief. and Much Pain is so unbearable. I often say to God. You said you wouldn't give us more than we can bear so why does it feel as if it is MORE THAN I CAN BEAR. I also get fed up with people saying. "You are such a strong person." reply. "Well how do you know you haven't lost a husband." "Well it was his time to go." reply. YES! and how do you know this and I don't? But instead we say nothing. We are too tired with grief to reply to foolishness.
I am so glad you said that your son believed in God. This is all that matters. You will see your son again. This is what gives me hope to go on knowing I will see my husband again.
I was angry with God for a long time and I have my off days despite knowing a loving God. But anger is also part of our grief. You mentioned your husband nearly died of West Nile. Because I went on the ENCEPHALITIS WEBSITE. I know of this disease. My husband had ADEM. Acute disseminated encephamylitis. The first worst illness of his life, and the second was MESOTHELIOMA the most deadly cancer caused from working with asbestos. which was incurable and painful a way to die slowly over 3yrs. Life is as painful as death. I do understand the need to not want to be here. But we go on for the one's we have left and who need us. May God Comfort and Keep you in Peace from the harshness of life and Grief.

Jun 27, 2013
ramblings and reflections of a grief stricken zombie
by: silver

The worst comment I hated was,"I know how you feel."NO YOU DON'T.That being said,I don't know your pain.The closest I came was burying two grandchildren and my baby sister.I was almost 8 when she was born.I bathed her,fed her,played with her,put her to bed,babysat her,and took her to and from the school bus.(Not that my parents didn't do that also just that I helped a lot being the oldest) One of my son's attempted suicide when his step-father (who raised him since 2 yrs old)died.That was bad enough.I'm glad you still have your husband to go to.I miss that.The grief is not something that others understand unless they have been there to.I found this out the hard way.When my dad died,I couldn't understand why my mom moped,sat around and slept a lot.She had plenty of friends.She had bowled once a week until my dad went into the hospital the last time.When she died 7 months later I was angry at myself that I didn't try harder to get her out of the house more.I didn't understand until my husband died 11 months later.THAT'S WHEN I UNDERSTOOD.Well meaning family and friends just can't know the depth of how we feel.Since I can't be there to hug you and let you know it's all right to grieve the way you need to,for as long as you need to,I send you hugs to take out when you need one.I know it's not the best thing but I pray it helps you.I'm glad your son believed in GOD.I know that gives you some comfort.Like you I believe we will see them and hold them again.That is what keeps me going.I'll keep you in my prayers.GOD send you strength and peace.

Jun 27, 2013
to ramblings and reflections
by: Anonymous--Mi

I have read your post and comments from others and I am so sorry for your grief. My wonderful husband of 43 yrs died from SCA in Nov 2012 and I am in more sorrow now than in the beginning. All I can think is we are on this journey together; in my mind's eye I can picture us all traveling along slowly on the "road of grief" carrying our burdens on our weary backs. This road is rough and rutted and hard to walk on but, somehow we all keep going. But, at the end of this hard brutal journey waits a rainbow and peace and comfort from God and rest from our burdens. God will give a 'soothing balm for our wounds' and we will be happy again. It is our time to walk this road; some have been on this road for a very long time while others are newly entering it but it is a part of life and a test to keep our faith in Jesus Christ, our Savior who died on the cruel cross for us, so that at the end of this journey we will have eternal happiness; reunited with our loved ones and in heaven where 'all tears are wiped away' and never to be seen again. God Be With US All on this site.

Jun 27, 2013
Heartbreaking
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for all your loss. I have had my share just like you. The list is so long but the last one was my 24 year old son who died from a blood clot while sleeping. Really? How the hell does that happen and I didn't even get the chance to help him. Like you I have done a scholarship in his memory. He has two sisters who hurt badly also and his dad. We are not together but we are friendly for the kids. We always put our children first. A lot of good that did us, now one is gone. So many of the things you write I can relate to and there are just no words for either one of us to feel better. I live moment to moment and sometimes that is to much. I have meds. to help me cope with this hell on earth. I do believe we will see our loved ones again but the pain of missing my son Sean is just unreal. I am sending my thoughts and prayers for peace to you..

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