Re: the shell on the outside

by jules
(Boonah, Qld, Australia)

The other morning I woke up to someone snoring - I turned over in bed to wake John up - he wasn't there!

That day after eight months, I found this site. Just to know that there is somewhere I can put my feelings down, without feeling like I am "burdening" someone or repeating myself really has made a difference - I can put down my most intimate feelings and thoughts, without feeling someone younger than me is thinking - what, people their age don't do that, do they? (I am 62) - Yes they do do that - in fact the day before John had his first stroke, that's exactly what we did. And it was good - over the last few years, especially since John was on medication for his heart, we had decided that quality was sometimes better than quantity - and boy did we have quality - that is one of the things I miss most - the intimacy and togetherness.

"Love is good for the human being"
(Ben, aged 10)

Comments for Re: the shell on the outside

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Sep 04, 2010
shell on the outside
by: Anonymous

Thanks Judy - I know I'm not alone with my feelings of loss of intimacy, but it is sometimes hard to talk to someone, face to face, about that side of loss, but that's ok.

Tomorrow (Sunday 5/9/10) is Fathers Day here in Australia, and I knew it would be hard for my daughter and my son, but my son has come up here to be best man at his mate's wedding, so, as we are all together, we are going to get the whole family, son and his partner, daughter, her hubby and her four boys, and take some of John's ashes up to a lookout that he loved to go to, looking over our magnificent mountains, and all cast some to the wind, so he will be forever here, which was the area we wanted to retire in. The rest of the ashes are in memorial lockets that my daughter and myself wear always, and my son has a sandstone box, which he surrounds with some of John's rock collection, and a crocodile figurine John loved, as well as a couple of model cars he made. My daughter has some in a box to plant when we find a bottle tree, and a really good place to plant it.

The remainder will travel with me, when I take the caravan away, and little bits of him will be left at places I know he would love.

This way, we will always remember him, and the impact he had on our lives. We will miss his physical presence forever, but we know he is with us in spirit always.

Sep 01, 2010
the shell on the outside
by: Anonymous

To all the beautiful people who have commented on my blog - thank you - just to know that I am not alone with these feelings is a comfort - it has now been nine months since my love passed, and I still get tears when I think of him, Fathers Day is coming up this weekend, and my son will be up here, so he, my daughter and myself, and any other family member - grandsons, daughter in law, son in law etc., are going to take some of John's ashes to a lookout near here that John loved going to, and spread them in the wind, so he will always be here - I carry some of his ashes in a small locket, as does our daughter, and our son has a sandstone box surrounded by some rocks and crocodile statue that his father loved.
Maybe this will be another step forward for us all.

Aug 09, 2010
Dealing alone
by: igetcha

I missed My Love these past 8 monthes
(8-6-10) That side of the bed that is still his, though he is not there. Until recently, feeling nothing but grief, I did not mourn the sensual side that I will never have again.

I can relate and do not know what to do with this new loss. Take care and I do understand...
HH

Aug 06, 2010
Missing the warmth
by: Emma

My mother is now 82 years old. My father died 10 years ago at the age of 73. So they were in their 70s. Mom told me that the thing she missed the most about losing Dad was the loss of the warmth of another human being.

Although I am sure she missed the sexual intimacy too, she told me it was miserable not to have a warm man to hug and touch and sleep with, and wake up with.

Makes sense when you think about it.

Aug 06, 2010
Missing intimacy also
by: Judy

Jules,

You know, you are the first posting I've seen that really addresses the loss of your physical love when you lose your partner. The first months were very tough for me in that arena. We had a very good physical relationship and it was strong right up until Barry went to the hospital and didn't come back home again. I miss it. I am 62 also and we definitely still did it!

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