by Rita

here i am… 50 years plus and still wondering why just like little kids, why? why? why? it has been probably 30 days or more that i learned my one and only son is dying… why? how? why? i have had a long journey with bends twists and turns. in 2002 i felt the full force of lost when my sister died suddenly.. why? i had friends of family of friends pass on went to funerals cried felt bad but all of a sudden i was on the other side and i felt like everything was gone taken. i would see a dead animal on the side of the road and wondered living dead alive dead was there something else was there life after death was God there? it took a toll and took me over a year to get some sense of stability. i reflected my son had been diagnosed with hodgkins and i cried and prayed and cried some more. he went through the chemo the radiation and we thought he had beaten it. gosh you know it is 90% cure rate yeah right. i was in my honeymoon period he was feeling well and all was well then i got the shit slapped out of me when my older sister died. moving forward my son found someone married and his job was transferred to az. they had a son chemo did not make him sterile. life is good again right!!! well my older brother is diagnosed with colon cancer. well guess what yep he passed once again the hurt the pain the questions why? God are you there can you hear me? moving along my son’s wife is pregnate again wonderful news except within one week of that news can you guess no? well hodgkins is back geez we need to do a bone marrow transplant. good news it is not in his bones so his stem cells can be used less risk faster recovery. he went through hell i had no idea how sick he could get. the fighter kicked butt and was back and feeling great for a few months anyway then guess what it is back. well we need a second transplant from a donor. before he goes in for the second transplant his wife gives birth to another beautiful baby. now we just need my son to get well heal. pray cry pray cry hope pray. in between the first transplant and the secound transplant my dad falls and breaks his hip. so my mother and i are in the emergency room waiting for him to get a room and then follow the aide pushing the grunnie to his room. my mom is moving slower than usual but we get to his room and all is fine except my mom has the nurse take her blood pressure and yep she is having a heart attack. good place to be if you are going to have one. so now my dad is in his room and now my mom also has a room. dad gets his hip operated on mom is put on meds dad has to go to a nursing home for rehab. moving along after 2 weeks in the nursing home i get a call we are so sorry but your dad just passed away.  really really how? why?  hello God can you hear me? get my sone back home to IN and quickly learn about host vs graf.  his eyes, his skin and never dreamt but now his lungs.  and the words the words the words i dont want to hear it but they say them and i dont want to hear them nope dont want to hear it.  your son is dying he has maybe months to live why?  xanax zoloft wellbutrin paxil truthfully none of them work i can still feel.  now i get a build up and feel like i have a ball in my throat at times.  tears flow thoughts thinking praying hoping.  i tried the whole there are people who have it worst than me the whole look at what you have it could be far worst.  well that does not work and did not make  me feel any better.  i hurt i feel broken and lost. geez these are the hightlights there is so much i could write about what is going how i feel and what a whinner i am. now i just hope and pray everyday everynight everyminute for God to please help my son.Well nope that did not work out for me either lost him 3/01/2010. Then the guy up stairs thought eh whats one more and took my mom on 07/07/10. It is a struggle still and i come back and read post here from time to time.... Who know i dont who has he answers no one

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Aug 13, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Rita I am so sorry for your loss of your mother, your son and other losses you may have gone through to leave you feeling hopeless and helpless. Not to mention the pain in your heart. You have been on a very long long tedious journey running back and forth with your family and their illnesses. The WORRY, ANXIETY, FEAR, PAIN, HEARTACHE. You are not a Whiner. You are a very desperate and hurt mother looking out for her family and hopeing that they will make it.
It is very stressfull and an anxious time hoping and praying for your son to not die.
I did the same for my husband. I nursed him 3yrs.39days. He had a deadly cancer. Not for one minute did I think he would die. I PRAYED TO GOD. I BELIEVED FOR HEALING FROM GOD. My husband did not get his healing. He died. I was and am still angry with God. I don't want to be angry with God. But I am because this too is part of grief. When we are desperate and we want our loved one to live we will do anything. I WAS DESPERATE FOR MY HUSBAND TO LIVE. You know what Rita. ONLY GOD HAS THE ANSWER. It will just take us a long journey with our grief to realise. GOD GIVES LIFE. GOD TAKES AWAY LIFE. We won't understand this side of life. If you believe in an afterlife. You will see your son again and your mother. Your heart will be broken for some time. In the Bible it says. "GOD HEALS THE BROKEN-HEARTED." This is our Hope. We have to go on alone in our lives till God takes us away in death. Till then let us make our lives count.

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