Being lonely and reflecting on what was, I have come to realize that I am holding onto the first stage of grief for fear if I start to move on I will have to face the fact that I will have to start a life without Bruce.

When he was in hospital and he mentioned that he might not make it I told him that he could not leave me as I would find him. I have been trying to find him and I have now realized that I will not be able to.

Bruce gave up smoking cigars about six years ago, he kept one cigar and said when he reached a good old age he was going to smoke the cigar, so in remembrance of him I am sitting here smoking the cigar for him. (I stopped smoking three years ago) I am having a head rush but it does bring back some good memories. I feel as if Bruce is standing behind me watching me.

Bruce I miss you more than you will ever know. You are my life, you are my everything. I will never love another as I love you, you will always be my husband. I now know that by holding onto my grief you will never be coming back, I need to move on with my grieving and try to forge a life without you as much as I do not want to.

Comments for Reflections

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Jan 10, 2011
by: Jen

Hi Colleen,

Hold on to this stage of grief for as long as you feel you have to.
The next stage will sneak in some day and you will deal with that to.
Your doing great. This is one of the hardest jobs anyone could do, surviving what is debilitating and utter awfullness.
But you will survive!!

Someday a lot of the awfullness will be neatly tucked away in a drawer and you will put another few steps forward.

I'm always saying to be proud of yourself and i mean it for each and everyone of us.

Look at what we are dealing with and alot of us with children and in my case extremely hormonal teenage girls. They don't exactly make it any easier a lot of the time. We have to deal with their grief too and as Hope mentioned they can consume us and this honest and true.

As a nursing friend said to me......Children jump in and out of puddles in their journey of grief and can be easily distracted, but we are continuously wading thro the river in an attempt to get to the other side....
What true words they are.

Best wishes from me to you.
I promise you, your doing great. Be proud. We are achieving so much!!!


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