Being lonely and reflecting on what was, I have come to realize that I am holding onto the first stage of grief for fear if I start to move on I will have to face the fact that I will have to start a life without Bruce.
When he was in hospital and he mentioned that he might not make it I told him that he could not leave me as I would find him. I have been trying to find him and I have now realized that I will not be able to.
Bruce gave up smoking cigars about six years ago, he kept one cigar and said when he reached a good old age he was going to smoke the cigar, so in remembrance of him I am sitting here smoking the cigar for him. (I stopped smoking three years ago) I am having a head rush but it does bring back some good memories. I feel as if Bruce is standing behind me watching me.
Bruce I miss you more than you will ever know. You are my life, you are my everything. I will never love another as I love you, you will always be my husband. I now know that by holding onto my grief you will never be coming back, I need to move on with my grieving and try to forge a life without you as much as I do not want to.