Relationship on ICU

by Lorraine
(San Diego, CA)

I feel like I have a rock in my stomach. My wonderful relationship of 2.5 years is in complete turmoil and is dying, I fear.

A friend from high school pursued me across the country from MD to CA. He wanted out of his 20 year marriage. We emailed a bit and he started calling a lot. I was uncomfortable at first but he assured me that the marriage was dead. He fell in love with me and wrote the most beautiful love letters ever. He called everyday, a few times each day. Sometimes the stress of his divorce was hard on me. He begged me to stay, saying such things as 'you are my light at the end of the tunnel', 'please don't leave me, I need you and want to be with you the rest of my life', 'you are my soulmate, I am positive'.

I stayed and supported him. I bought him his first bag of groceries, helping him budget, and set up his banking. His wooing was intense and consistent. We had wonderful dreams of where we would marry and travel and live. I believed him but a part of me was always scared. Scared of being abandoned. At the age of 44 and never married I have been to hell and back a few times. He promised he 'would never hurt me, for how could he? He has wanted to be with me since high school.'

A few weeks after the divorce ink was dry (2.5 years later) he starts acting distant. I find out he had been texting for 3 weeks another girl from high school who lives in our old town and she has caught her husband cheating. The texts totaled 360 between the two of them. I confronted him in tears. He said 'she is just a friend'. He said he would cut down on the contact. I encourage him to have female friends, for I think every guy should have them. His X didn't want him to have friends of either sex. I didn't want to say you can't talk to her, I just wanted it reasonable. He has gotten more distant and is now confused about his and our future. His mom says he is a different person right now, so aloof, quiet, almost angry. He practically lives at the X-wife's house to visit with his kids. He continued to text the other woman; the contact was escalating between them too. I was able to check on him thru the automated phone system.

I called Ms. Texting Queen recently and we had a long talk. She said she didn't realize that their contact had disrupted our relationship so much. She claims she is busy dealing with her marital issues and two kids and is not looking for a relationship. Hmmm, not sure I believed it. I told her some of his baggage, for I have carried it for 2.5 years, supporting him emotionally. I think that freaked her out. She cut off contact with him. After I called her, he got angry and broke up with me because he was angry that I did that. All I wanted was to hear her side. He then called 8 hours later wanting to talk. We covered everything and discussed that maybe we could work this out. After our long talk, I've heard little from him.

I said I would move for him, but he has to do a few things like ask me to marry him and help to forge a positive relationship with his kids and me. After all, he said when the divorce was done, he would put a ring on my finger to make sure no one else scooped me up.

A part of me died that day, Oct. 24 when I found the texts. Time stopped for me. I swear I heard mirrors crash. Nothing has been the same since. I am a zombie at work. I can't think straight. I've lost 8 lbs so far. I have almost no appetite. I go home and pace the floors, and I don't know why. It's like he died. That man I loved and cherished and had the most wonderful hopes for a life with has died. I cry everyday and just want my wonderful guy back. But the person he is now is cold and selfish. I am just at a loss at how a man who was so consistent in his love for me and desire for a life with me turned away.

I have no idea if this relationship will survive or better yet if it still exists. He still thinks he did not have an emotional affair and is angry that I 'snooped'. He used to hassle me for my guy friendships and my facebook friends. I never cheated on him nor had any desire to. All my hopes and dreams of a wonderful life with him feel gone. I was supposed to go out there for NY eve but I canceled the flight after he broke it off. I said if he wants me to come now he will have to let me know and pay the additional cost of my coming out. I told him to take a few days and think about it. Of course it feels like he is gone - I hate the waiting. How will I ever recover from this loss? He was my world and my future.

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