Remembering and Grieving My Beloved Mom
by Kara A. Rowe
Mom/Sandra Kay Verrill (age 18)
First, I want to thank you for reading my post about my wonderful mom. I strongly feel the need to tell the world about her and all of her special ways that made her the best mom a child could ever hope to have in their life.
We did not have an easy life. Mom married young and to a man, in my opinion, altogether wrong for her. She supported him through college and gave him three children. For reasons neither parent would say their marriage ended when I was about 4 years old but they didn't divorce till I was 8 years old. I'm the youngest and had two older brothers.
When my "father" left he took with him his education which paid the bills. Leaving my mother with no job skills and a slim, forced by the court, child support check. Oh, yes and an even slimmer alimony check. To say the least we had very little.
Even though we did not have a lot our mom always made sure we had what we needed. She never did anything special for herself. She often would not eat so that her kids had enough to eat. At times we were homeless but she always found a safe place for her kids to sleep even though she was often left alone on a park bench.
She lived with chronic pain and depression but she did manage to find jobs to supplement our low income. Even when us kids would beg her to do something for herself she wouldn't and would instead make sure she bought extra food, had holiday gifts, or just whatever her kids needed. She was the most selfless woman I've ever known.
Just a few years after the divorce was final my eldest brother, Kevin, died on his 18th birthday on October 6th 1981. She was, of course, devastated. Her depression hit an all time low but she never once let her pain and sorrow interfere with how she cared for myself and other brother.
Skipping forward to a few years ago. She was living alone and doing okay but still suffering from severe depression. No matter what the doctor prescribed nothing seemed to help.
Then in 2010 she had a "breakdown" of sorts and was no longer able to live alone. The doctors said she was developing early onset Alzheimer's. So, she moved to Kansas to live with my brother because I did not have enough room. The plan was to find new housing and then bring her back home. But due to the economy I was never able to bring mom back home to Maine.
No matter how hard I tried I could never save enough money to go visit. Something always happened to keep me from affording transportation.
Just recently new doctors said she was misdiagnosed and more likely had a mental illness causing her problems. We finally had hope that she would get better and have a chance to enjoy life.
Finally on October 3rd of this year I had saved enough money to go visit!! I sent a text to my brother to tell him I was on my way and would see them in about a week and to please tell mom. Well, my cell service company never sent the text and so my brother never knew to tell my mom. I sent the text at about 12 midnight and my beloved mom died just hours later while I lay sleeping happily that I would be seeing her in about a week after 3 very long years.
My boyfriend woke to my brother calling and I woke sick from a dead sleep and without a word I knew she was gone.
I prayed every night begging god to make her better. I prayed only for her and never once asked for anything for myself. I only asked to please let me see her again and to keep her safe and well. Now, my faith is totally gone and I know I will never pray again. I am at a total loss because I have never felt so alone. I cried that morning of October 4th the same way mom did Oct. 6th 1981 when she learned about my brothers death.
My every heartbeat was for my mom. I lived and breathed for her. I had been working with my boyfriend for 3 years to build a new business so that soon I would be able to bring mom home, build her a home and give her the happiness and security she had always longed to know.
I know I failed her completely. If I had not been so busy working for the future I would have been talking to her doctors. I would have asked about all her medications. I would have called more, I would have sent more letters, I would have been her advocate. I know I could have saved her if only I had been able to get out to see her. It's a long story about why I feel this way but trust me I know I could have saved her and how I am suppose to go on is beyond me.
All in all I want the world to know that my mom was beautiful, intelligent, wise, kind, compassionate, selfless, generous to a fault, loving, had a great sense of humor, loved to bake, loved chocolate, loved music, architecture, people, animals, and so much more. She loved life and even though she knew mostly pain she always taught me to appreciate the beauty of life.
I just want her back so bad. A chance to be a better daughter. I miss her every aching moment and I am certain this pain will never fade.
I am sorry you're here reading this letter because I know you're facing grief as well. My thoughts are with you and I hope we will all find some sort of peace one day.
Thank you for reading my long post. I'm a little worried it's too long and will be rejected. <3 Peace, Love and Happiness ... a saying my deceased brother would often say.