Remembering and Grieving My Beloved Mom

by Kara A. Rowe
(Gray, Maine)

Mom/Sandra Kay Verrill (age 18)

Mom/Sandra Kay Verrill (age 18)

Hello Everyone,

First, I want to thank you for reading my post about my wonderful mom. I strongly feel the need to tell the world about her and all of her special ways that made her the best mom a child could ever hope to have in their life.

We did not have an easy life. Mom married young and to a man, in my opinion, altogether wrong for her. She supported him through college and gave him three children. For reasons neither parent would say their marriage ended when I was about 4 years old but they didn't divorce till I was 8 years old. I'm the youngest and had two older brothers.

When my "father" left he took with him his education which paid the bills. Leaving my mother with no job skills and a slim, forced by the court, child support check. Oh, yes and an even slimmer alimony check. To say the least we had very little.

Even though we did not have a lot our mom always made sure we had what we needed. She never did anything special for herself. She often would not eat so that her kids had enough to eat. At times we were homeless but she always found a safe place for her kids to sleep even though she was often left alone on a park bench.

She lived with chronic pain and depression but she did manage to find jobs to supplement our low income. Even when us kids would beg her to do something for herself she wouldn't and would instead make sure she bought extra food, had holiday gifts, or just whatever her kids needed. She was the most selfless woman I've ever known.

Just a few years after the divorce was final my eldest brother, Kevin, died on his 18th birthday on October 6th 1981. She was, of course, devastated. Her depression hit an all time low but she never once let her pain and sorrow interfere with how she cared for myself and other brother.

Skipping forward to a few years ago. She was living alone and doing okay but still suffering from severe depression. No matter what the doctor prescribed nothing seemed to help.

Then in 2010 she had a "breakdown" of sorts and was no longer able to live alone. The doctors said she was developing early onset Alzheimer's. So, she moved to Kansas to live with my brother because I did not have enough room. The plan was to find new housing and then bring her back home. But due to the economy I was never able to bring mom back home to Maine.

No matter how hard I tried I could never save enough money to go visit. Something always happened to keep me from affording transportation.

Just recently new doctors said she was misdiagnosed and more likely had a mental illness causing her problems. We finally had hope that she would get better and have a chance to enjoy life.

Finally on October 3rd of this year I had saved enough money to go visit!! I sent a text to my brother to tell him I was on my way and would see them in about a week and to please tell mom. Well, my cell service company never sent the text and so my brother never knew to tell my mom. I sent the text at about 12 midnight and my beloved mom died just hours later while I lay sleeping happily that I would be seeing her in about a week after 3 very long years.

My boyfriend woke to my brother calling and I woke sick from a dead sleep and without a word I knew she was gone.

I prayed every night begging god to make her better. I prayed only for her and never once asked for anything for myself. I only asked to please let me see her again and to keep her safe and well. Now, my faith is totally gone and I know I will never pray again. I am at a total loss because I have never felt so alone. I cried that morning of October 4th the same way mom did Oct. 6th 1981 when she learned about my brothers death.

My every heartbeat was for my mom. I lived and breathed for her. I had been working with my boyfriend for 3 years to build a new business so that soon I would be able to bring mom home, build her a home and give her the happiness and security she had always longed to know.

I know I failed her completely. If I had not been so busy working for the future I would have been talking to her doctors. I would have asked about all her medications. I would have called more, I would have sent more letters, I would have been her advocate. I know I could have saved her if only I had been able to get out to see her. It's a long story about why I feel this way but trust me I know I could have saved her and how I am suppose to go on is beyond me.

All in all I want the world to know that my mom was beautiful, intelligent, wise, kind, compassionate, selfless, generous to a fault, loving, had a great sense of humor, loved to bake, loved chocolate, loved music, architecture, people, animals, and so much more. She loved life and even though she knew mostly pain she always taught me to appreciate the beauty of life.

I just want her back so bad. A chance to be a better daughter. I miss her every aching moment and I am certain this pain will never fade.

I am sorry you're here reading this letter because I know you're facing grief as well. My thoughts are with you and I hope we will all find some sort of peace one day.

Thank you for reading my long post. I'm a little worried it's too long and will be rejected. <3 Peace, Love and Happiness ... a saying my deceased brother would often say.

Comments for Remembering and Grieving My Beloved Mom

Click here to add your own comments

Nov 01, 2013
Thank You to Doreen and Christine
by: Kara

Dear Doreen and Christine:

First of all I want to tell you both how sorry I am for your grief and loss as well. It's never an easy emotion to have to live with day in and day out.

My heart and soul are still raw and so I am still unable to think clearly or really at all.

I appreciate all of your words and have come back to read them over and over as I have found some comfort in reading your post. So, thank you again so very much.

I'm having a real bad one today. The idea that medical negligence played a role is salt to my wounds.

I understand that people don't think I should blame myself but I just know in my gut that if I could have afforded a way out to see her that I could have made a huge difference.

So, with that said I am going to take my grief and honor my mom by putting together a non profit program that will generate funds to help people with the cost of transportation to visit their sick loved ones before it is too late. If I can save even just a few people the guilt and heartache I am feeling I think it will help me to eventually forgive myself or maybe at least honor my mom because she is/was the type of woman that would give the shirt off her back... even if it were the only shirt she owned.

I am keeping you both in my thoughts. Again and again ... thank so very much for your words of kindness and comfort! My mom would have adored the both of you.

Oct 29, 2013
Beloved Mom
by: christine

Your mom sounds like she was a blessing. You will always miss her and the heartache will never go away. The pain will lighten and all the beautiful memories will come flooding in. Fill your heart with those memories, hold on to them, cherish them always. You must do what you said your mom taught you, appreciate the beauty of life. She will always be with you, let her know how much you miss her and let her know how much you appreciate the beauty of life. Your mom loved you as much as you loved her, if not more. She was also proud of you with what you where doing with your life. I lost my son 38 years old, almost a year ago. It hurts as much today as it did on that day I found him when I got home from work. He was my only child and my life shattered. It has been the most difficult thing I have had to deal with in my life, even when my dad passed the year before, he had been sick. I know that my son and I have just taken different roads for now and we will meet up someday. I am thankful that God took his pain away. I could not bear seeing him cry everyday. Put into life what your mom did. cherish every minute with your family. Make lots of new beautiful memories. God bless you my prayers are with you.

Oct 27, 2013
Remembering and Grieving My Beloved Mom
by: Doreen UK

Kara I am sorry for your loss of your mom to a sudden death. You must be feeling the worst ever sorrow over what happened about your text message never reaching your brother and your mother not knowing you were coming. This is such a tragedy and not of your making. Your anger belongs to the phone company for not delivering your text message. You need to apportion blame to them and to let them know how angry you are. Even an apology from them would make no difference at this time. But you need to put the responsibility on them where it belongs so you don't have to bear this responsibility. As far as feeling you let your mom down because you were busy building a business is something that is common in life. We all at some point in our lives wish we had done things differently and better. We all as humans live WITH REGRETS. This is part of our human condition and will assault us as part of grief. As far as losing your faith and not ever praying again is part of your grief and should pass in time. Just let it do its own thing without trying hard. Grief unfolds as it does with emotions we wish we didn't have, or to express but it is the nature of grief. When my husband died of cancer 17 months ago I was so devastated as I prayed for a miracle of healing and my husband died. I was angry with God, but didn't want to be it was not part of my nature or the faith I had all my life. But I discovered it was very much a part of the grieving process and it soon passed. don't fight it. In time you will find God again and don't lose your Faith. This is all we have as a lifeline to go on in life. You will see your mother again. Nothing will ever hurt your mother again. She is free and out of her pain and suffering. You need to find a way for you to go on in life without guilt and unbearable sorrow crushing you. If you struggle you need to see a grief counsellor to help you move forward from the guilt and pain of grief. I understand a lot about struggling and living with poverty but we had God on our side and He always brought us through as He did for your mother. Often the children hurt for their parents and want to take their pain away and make life better for them. but I can tell you from struggling that it makes one stronger and develops character and faith in who our provider is. I am a mom to 3 Adult children and mother's feel no pain in putting her children first. A mother would sacrifice everything for her children. You need to find peace through your grief and release from guilt. May God comfort you in your grief and sorrow and loss of your mom and your brother at 18.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Moms.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!