I'm wandering around my house this morning trying to restore order. Part of this is because a visit from the auction company leaves chaos behind, and partly because my mind is in such a convoluted state that I have to have order where I can. My mind can't seem to be orderly so if I have order around me it will be easier Right? Doesn't seem to be helping.
I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of Barry's death, and although I've been warned it will be a tough period, I just seem to be freaking out. On Thursday, the day after the auction house took away his last military books, I actually had to come home from work because I was weepy, irritable and ready to strangle my uncooperative low-income clientele at my job as a subsidized housing worker. I took a whole Xanax and slept the day away. Friday I went back to work, still upset and it took half a Xanax to get me through the day. The office is chaotic and home is chaotic. My mind is chaotic. I need peace, but where is it?
My widowed friend says that the anniversary of your spouse's death is just another day and it will go by. How can it just go by? My life changed unalterably, my darling was taken from me, my future disappeared, my identity was altered forever,I was left alone in this town with no family, few friends and no clear way to get out of here. You are supposed to embrace the new life, but I DON'T LIKE THE NEW LIFE! How can I embrace a life I don't like?
When will this misery end?