Restoring order

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

I'm wandering around my house this morning trying to restore order. Part of this is because a visit from the auction company leaves chaos behind, and partly because my mind is in such a convoluted state that I have to have order where I can. My mind can't seem to be orderly so if I have order around me it will be easier Right? Doesn't seem to be helping.

I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of Barry's death, and although I've been warned it will be a tough period, I just seem to be freaking out. On Thursday, the day after the auction house took away his last military books, I actually had to come home from work because I was weepy, irritable and ready to strangle my uncooperative low-income clientele at my job as a subsidized housing worker. I took a whole Xanax and slept the day away. Friday I went back to work, still upset and it took half a Xanax to get me through the day. The office is chaotic and home is chaotic. My mind is chaotic. I need peace, but where is it?

My widowed friend says that the anniversary of your spouse's death is just another day and it will go by. How can it just go by? My life changed unalterably, my darling was taken from me, my future disappeared, my identity was altered forever,I was left alone in this town with no family, few friends and no clear way to get out of here. You are supposed to embrace the new life, but I DON'T LIKE THE NEW LIFE! How can I embrace a life I don't like?

When will this misery end?


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Nov 06, 2010
The Mind...
by: Hope Faith and Charity

What does the mind actually do during this grief ride? I am beginning to think that it is much like a seizure. And though Paul Had a Gran Mals after his brain surgery and I understand them. I do not understand the non-functioning non cooperative mind that will not work as it should in some linear practical way. Up down sideways the thought processes all but strangle us.

Just as we think that we are gathering our life coping skills some what slam! again memories, disorganization, a general inability to just do the most simple of tasks.

I have spent my morning wandering from room to room trying to get some order in this house finally beginning to give a crap after months of only caring if laundry and dinner was done and little else.

Surely there must be some type of defense mechanism that re routes the mind. Making some crazy zig zaggy type of thinking. This New life that we are dealt, trying to make a go of it thinking well....I'm doing pretty well considering an appendage half of me has been ripped away less than a year ago.

If I knew a way to hasten the process I would surely share it. You are not alone nor crazy.
I am here looney tooney, normal, looney tooney normalish. So you are letting grief cut the path it insists on. Someday I know not when, we widows will be able to walk strong and proud of our New Lives and our New metamorphosized selves.

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