by Andries Steenkamp
(South Africa)

We first lost our oldest daughter on 8 december 2006, the funeral took place on her birthday "15 december"," she left behind 4 children", still grieving after all these years we lost our younger daughter (29 years) this year on 25 June 2012. Due to my profession I am supposed to be the strong one. I am ordained minister of religion of well known world wide church. But inside I am completely shattered, not blaming God, still working for Him....longing to speak to someone, crying on a shoulder.

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Dec 14, 2012
I am also a Reverend who lost a child
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear BB. I am sorry for your loss of your middle son in February 2012. It is so sad when a young adult loses his life at a stage in his life where he leaves an unborn child and a wife. She will need so much support as life is tough. The stages of grief are so long and hard and unbearable at times that we wonder why does GRIEF have to hurt so much. I guess this pain is due to a combination of SIN and also the STING that this causes DEATH to bring to us. Death was never in God's plan but because we live in a fallen world we will suffer Death as a part of the package of life. It is never easy at any time. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 7 months ago to cancer. I feel Sad and LONELY. I am trying hard to keep HOPE ALIVE. Because God says. SORROW. But don't SORROW as those who have no HOPE. This is what we struggle to keep going. The HOPE OF Jesus coming to earth to receive us to Himself. This is HIS PROMISE. It matters not how much WE count OUR blessings and focus on the LOVE of God WE still feel the pain of grief. Even positive thinking cannot eradicate the stages we feel and go through. Healing is a slow process. We can't escape this sorrow. God says we have to go THROUGH it. Even Pastors and every other believer will have to tread this valley. God felt the pain of HIS Son dying with a PURPOSE. To Redeem Man. Jesus felt the raw pain of Lazarus being dead. I am sure you can now feel the pain of those biblical characters and empathise with them. I can feel the desperation of Martha and Mary at the death of their brother. The Shunamite woman had a son who was ill and then died. Elisha came and ministered unto this woman and lay on her child and brought him back to life. How she rejoiced. All of us who did not have a HEALING of our loved ones will have to WAIT till ETERNITY to feel what other's feel having their loved one's healed and given back to them on this earth. JOB must have sorrowed over losing his 10 children. Despite being Blessed with 10 more. Those were his children. Individuals with their own personalities. How does one recover from this? My Dear Brother in Christ. This is a sad day for all of us losing our loved ones. Cry into the heart of God as Jesus Did to His Father. "My God. My God. Why have you forsaken Me." This is how we feel in DEATH. Forsaken. LEFT. Abandoned. Jesus felt the full force of our Sin and also DEATH. He carried all pain of DEATH in his body. When someone dies. Jesus feels this as if He is carrying this loss with us. May God Bring You swift Healing in his Wings. The Ointment for your soul so you can bear this sorrow knowing Jesus is with you and us all in our SORROW. Jesus was a Man of Sorrows. ACQUAINTED WITH GRIEF. May God send you a Timothy to encourage you. May God lift you up in your sorrow and Grief and bring you Comfort and Peace.

Dec 13, 2012
I am also a Rev who lost a child
by: BB

My middle son died suddenly in February of this year. He left behind a wife pregnant with their first child. His son has now been born, looks just like his dad, but will never meet him. The grief, hurt, pain, and heart sickness are as real today as they were 10 months ago. I don't blame God and I still serve Him, but there are days I am so depressed. I trust Him each day for strength and I do mean each day. i feel your pain, sister. I wish I didn't, but I do. I pray that God will continue to strengthen you daily.

Dec 04, 2012
by: Andries

Thank you David and Doreen UK for you comforting comments, may God bless you, Andries

Dec 04, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Andries, The Shunamite woman was very desperate for her son that he not die, I believe that Elisha the man of God took the boy in the spare room and he lay on that boy and he came back to life. You can almost feel this Shunamite woman's desperation. This boy was her only comfort from a lonely life. A boy that would grow up and look after his mother.
Then Jairus daughter was sick unto death and the servant went out to find someone who could help him. He was very desperate to make a journey so his daughter was healed and would not die. You could almost feel the desperation of wanting loved ones to live and not die.
I felt this type of desperation for healing for my husband from cancer. To look into the face of a dying man is very haunting. Painful. Sad. It makes one feel so helpless. I guess God puts us in a helpless state so we lean on Him totally. It is painfull to not behold the faces of our loved one's on earth. To see them no more. To lose that daily interaction. Your daughter that left 4 children to be looked after is so very sad. I hope that those 4 children have a father that will not exclude you from their life. You can pour your life into them and carry on the mantle of their mother.
Dear Brother in Christ shed those tears. Cry into the heart of God and let him feel your pain. When I found myself in a dry desert and felt God had forsaken me because I couldn't reach him, it was then I started a Journal. I poured out my heart to God in the form of letters that became my prayers to God when I couldn't Pray. It was in a form of dialogue between me and God. In writing you can get very real with God in a different way. I found it very Healing. It was a cathartic experience. I felt cleansed.
Parents don't expect to outlive their children. In your work you would have had to sit with many a widow or widower. A parent who has lost a child and tried to comfort them in their sorrow. You would have conducted many a funeral and felt the raw pain of the burial of your 2 daughters that would have felt worse than anything you would have ever gone through in your life. My sister said something to me that there is no answer for. "God got his son back after 3 days." I will never get my son back. Another kind of desperation. I think the pain and sorrow of the loss of a loved one is one of the worst experiences we could ever face in life. Death was never in God's Plan. It was sin that caused this sting of death. You will see your children again in the earth made New. Where there will be no more tears, no more sorrow. No more death for the former things have passed away. We will have life eternal where God will be the centre of our Universe and we will live like how we were meant to live. In Love and Righteousness for ever and ever. Be at Peace. May the Love of God surround you and your family and Comfort you in your Sorrow and Grief.

Dec 03, 2012
by: Doreen U.K.

Andries I am sorry for your loss of both your daughters. Often people look to their pastors/ministers of religion as their strong support and feel they have all the answers. You are a Man, a human being with the same feelings, emotions and hurts as us all. Hurting people often don't realise this and lean on their ministers heavily. The same with doctors. Ministers and doctors suffer with illness's and even die from cancer and heart attacks. They are not immune.
Of course you will feel shattered. Miserable. In deep sorrow from your loss. This is your children you have lost. God will feel your pain as he felt the pain over Jesus going to the cross and losing his son. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus. Jesus feels your pain and your sorrow. I said to Jesus often. "But we have to dwell on this earth" therefore we need support from real people. I often think of Job losing all his children and wonder how he felt? Just like us.
You need the loving support of people around you in the same way Jesus needed that sip of cold water when he stumbled to Calvary carrying his heavy cross.
When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane He said in sorrow. "Couldn't you watch with me one hour." Even Jesus needed the human touch and loving care from people. No one is immune from this. No one can imagine what it feels like to lose a child/Adult child until this happens. the pain of loss hurts so deeply we often wonder how we can recover. Most people who lose a child need the support of a grief counsellor. These are skilled people in their field to support an individual who has lost a child/Adult child.
I lost my husband of 44yrs.7 months ago to lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. My husband was anointed for healing but died 10hrs. later. I was devastated because I believed Steve would be healed. I was angry with God. I didn't want to be. But it happened automatically. I felt let down. All I ever wanted is for Steve to be saved for eternity. A very humble man. A peacemaker. I hope for eternal life and see Steve again. The Lord gives us Life and He takes it. We will Sorrow, but not to Sorrow as those who have no HOPE. Your grief and loss of your 2 daughters will be a process that will need the healing of God over time. One thing I want to ask God is. "Why does grief hurt so much." Unbearable Pain. There is no SHAME in needing support when grieving. It is not unreasonable to ask for your congregation and even your other pastors to surround you and stay with you till you are in a place of Healing from your loss.
May the comfort and Love of God surround you today and always. May God put the right people in your life to lift you above your sorrow, grief and loss of your 2 daughters.

Dec 02, 2012
this may help
by: David

Many people get stuck and cannot move on. Try a person skilled in catharsis, to replay again with you all that happened,from the beginning, to let you say what you could not,to express again your fears,anger,hatred,love and sorrow. I did this type of therapy using relaxation techniques to aid the patient cope with the stress of replay, for many years, usually 2 or 3 patients a week and I was very successful. You have major issues still unresolved, I can only suggest that you try and let someone help you,it is not weakness,
I never found any one reason why people stopped moving on but I believe there are as many reasons as people. Best wishes david

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