Rick Radlauer 7/13/09

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Rick Radlauer 7/13/09

by Peggy Radlauer
(Phoenix, AZ)

My husband has been gone for exactly 2 and a half years and it hasn’t gotten any better. I put a smile on my face, cry behind closed doors and tell people I’m OK, because no one really wants to here the truth. My husband and I were married for 9 years and 4 months. We were planning to renew out vows on our 10 year wedding anniversary when cancer took his life on 7/13/09 at the ripe old age of 41. His 44th birthday is just around the corner and just like last year I will be the only one who remembers as I grieve and morn him behind our bedroom door.
Everyone tells me it will get better in time, but that time has yet to come. I’m lonely and sad without him to talk to, share with, complain to, argue with, hug and make up with. I’m already starting to forget what his voice sounded like, how his skin smelled as I burred my face into his neck, how he looked at me as he told me how much he loved me and that scares me even more. I have had so much tragedy in my life and I am barley 40 years old. I compare every man I meet to him (not that he was perfect, but he was perfect for me) and they ALL fall short. I worry that he was my one and only and I will either have to settle or be alone for the rest of my life. How do you just go on with life when your life is gone?

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Rick Radlauer 7/13/09

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I Miss My Love still too...
by:

I know what you mean but our life is not gone. The life that we had is gone. I hate to sound harsh, I miss Hubby like you do too. I know that I can visit the pain of my loss at any time. A picture, something that we did or shared together. But as I wandered through WM and all the valentines stuff bombarded my eyes and mind I realized that last year I would have cussed the whole thing out in my mind.

How dare anyone Love if I can not? It is so very hard starting this life again without the ones that we love.
I find that I try to do as many things as I can that I have not had the time for before. I know how precious time is now that the one thing that mattered is taken from me.

I also try to make time for family members and let them know how very much that I Love and appreciate them. Enough regrets of the past that can not be changed. I know deep in my heart that Paul Knows that I loved him with all my being. Some of the over protectiveness during his illness was out of love.

He would want me to take life and live it to the fullest and it is easier said than done, the first step is just getting out of the house and noticing the small miracles happening all around you. Open your eyes open you heart and let life in...
HH

Thank you
by: Peggy

Marilyn,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story it really meant a lot to me. I know that God has a plan for me, for you, for us all and although I do not see how He can make good out of situations like ours I whole heartedly believe that God is not out to harm us and he will turn this all around for the good.
God bless you and thank you. Here if you need to talk.
Peggy

Please let it get better...
by: Marilyn

Hi Peggy, I'm so sorry to hear it hasn't gotten any better for you. I am sorry for both of us to hear that. It has only been 16 months since my loss and you sound so much like how I feel.
My husband was my everything, whether or not I admitted that when he was here. He was my best friend, my sounding board, my consoler and my cheering squad.
With all of our faults, we were perfect for each other and both knew it. We had been best friends for 15 years before our 18 year marriage began.
We even talked about finding someone else if anything ever happened to one of us; then we would laugh about the tortuous process of having to TRAIN someone new. I guess we had all the kinks worked out and had accepted what we could not change. You get comfortable, OVER TIME, with your spouse and you can't find that prepackaged. There is no replacing them. They did not come that way either. Our bond is what makes US and what WE had and how WE perceive US. No one will ever match that. We will have to start fresh one day, when we are ready. I think it will be like finding a workable piece of clay. But, as long as we're grieving so deeply, no one will look very workable. I'm so sure of this, for me, that I continue to wear my wedding ring. I stay very busy, even if it's doing MY NOTHING. It's mine and so is my erratic schedule and eating and sleeping habits, for now.
I can only hold on to the hope that time heals all wounds. God knows there will be scars though, but we will get through this and hopefully come out stronger on the other side.
Don't give up, you are too young for that and your photo shows a strong and happy person. She will shine through again, one day.
In God Speed, Marilyn

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Rick Radlauer 7/13/09

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Rick Radlauer 7/13/09