I am only hoping that writing out this story can help me in any smalls ay possible. I know I am joined by many in these feelings of grief, but my situation feels so special to me. When I was growing up I went through a lot with my family; my mom was the "black sheep" and my dad was a drug addict. My mother and father both did meth, but concealed it pretty well from me. My dad abused my older brother and then me, mostly choking and throwing things and a lot of emotional abuse. The worst abuse was towards my mother though. When I got taken away, my mom quit drugs to get me back, but little did I know she had turned to alcohol instead. At this time I was so naive, I didn't know what alcoholism really was, it seemed taboo. By the time I was 17 my mom was an alcoholic, and a bad one. I would get in horrible fights with her, my brother was also an alcoholic. When my grandpa died, and then my grandma died of cancer a year later, my mom was even worse. She could drink Jack straight all day. I couldn't describe the kinds of things I have bent through with her. And the guilt I feel for sometimes buying her drinks because that's when she would be in a good mood, it is insurmountable now. Although my mom and I had a relationship fit for Maury, she also did everything she possibly could for me. If I needed cash she would give it, groceries she would buy them, she took care of anyone and everyone. She related to drunken bums on the sides of liquor stores, because they felt her pain. I always thought maybe my mother wanted to die. One day she started throwing up blood, and decided to go to the hospital. I didn't exactly think much of it, but my best friend told me to give her a hug just in case. Late on that night when nobody had heard form her still, we called the hospital and they said she was released hours ago. Yet when we went down there, her car was in the parking lot. It turns out she had been throwing up blood in the waiting room for hours until they finally realized it was an actual emergency, but by that time she was in bad shape. She almost died right then, and I can't explain the pain of seeing her with blood crusting the corners of her mouth, completely out of it with a tube down her throat. I just couldn't understand how this escalated so quickly. In the end, she did make a recovery, but the doctors told her the alcoholism had caused the major vein in her esophagus to wear down and she had internal bleeding. Severely. She needed multiple blood transfusions and absolutely needed to quit drinking. I thought she would never touch a drink again to be honest. But in just a weeks time I caught her sneaking bottles of Jack again. She landed in the hospital a few more times for the same reason, and every time they told her if she didn't stop she would die. I felt like it was so out of reach for somebody to die from alcoholism. I ended up moving to San Diego for school, and my mom was completely there for me. She paid my apartment and everything so I could get away from that crazy lifestyle. But I will never forgive myself for leaving. Things got worse when I was gone, her and my dad had gotten a divorce and she was lonely raising my younger brother with my older brother as bad an alcoholic as her. And more psycho than you could imagine. She started sleeping around with random men, and when I got worried and flew down I came home to a mess. Two men (who were basically bums) hanging out in the living room while my mom was so drunk passed out in her room. Beer cans everywhere, hardly any food in the house. I made them leave and when she woke up she was pissed at me. She told me I shouldn't have came. We fought. Th next day she was getting drunk and I said nothing because i just wanted her to be nice to me again. When I left I didn't know it would be the last time I saw my mom alive. She ended up going to the hospital that night throwing up so much blood. This was her last straw and she finally decided on rehab. I talked to her every day while she was there, and I knew she wanted to get better and do better things with her life. She had counseling and was in rehab for 2 months. Her last Facebook post was to my cousin, who lived with us before I move, the day before she got out of rehab. It said "We have a lot of christmas shopping to do", because it was around December 4 already. I talked to her on the phone that last time and she promised to call me when she got home, because I was coming down for christmas. I didn't hear form her so I called the next day. My older brother was there and wouldn't let me talk to her because he said she had the flu. My phone died and I didn't recharge it until the next morning, and when I did I had a voicemail from my Uncle saying my mom was in the hospital and it wasn't looking good. When I called him, he basically told me my mother was dying and I should come say goodbye. Imagine that 7 hour drive from San Diego, wondering if my mom would live or die. I wasn't aware that she had no chance. I got there and seeing hr like that was the hardest thing I've ever been through. My little brother is only 11, and he was screaming at her bedside begging her not to die. And she was unconscious and yellow and puffy, and looked nothing like herself. But she did wait for me to get there to let go. About 2 hours after I arrived, on December 7, 2011 my mom passed away. It came very sudden to me, and I have not even begun to forgive myself for leaving her, for every drink I ever bought for her, for every fight, every mean word that was ever said. And I hate holidays now because they will never ever mean the same to me. I don;t know how people deal with losing their mom, because it is almost impossible to face the fact that I will never see her again or get to talk to her. I know this is incredibly long, but I needed to get out some of my story because tonight is just another sad night. I am 22 and just too damn young to not have my mom anymore.