Road to Nowhere

by Nick
(Manchester)

Jamie and I were a gay couple from Greater Manchester England, we met mid August 2007 and spent a wonderful 3 and half years together. We were very much in love and battled through a range of obstacles during our relationship, mainly hiding the relationship from my dad. At times this caused a strain on us but in the end my dad found out and things were looking up. We were living together from September 2009 in our first apartment near Manchester City Centre whilst Jamie started a university degree and myself a 1 year teacher training course.

In July 2010 I had finished my teacher training course, we had a wonderful summer together. We went to the Greek Island Zante and had a relaxing holiday, we then decided to move apartments to a more suburban area. In the September 2010, I started my job as a teacher and Jamie began his second year.

We spent a couple of happy months in the new apartment until the end of October. On the Halloween weekend, Jamie went to a party with friends whilst I stayed home to prepare for my return to school on the Monday morning. Jamie was due to return home around 2am in the morning. I fell asleep around 12am after sending him a text message, letting him know I was going to bed and would leave the door unlocked.

I woke after 2am and Jamie was not home. My first reaction was he had decided to stay out late but, although the strange thing was he had not let me know. I then justified this and thought his mobile phone may have ran out of battery life, something not unusual to happen to Jamie. I naturally fell back to sleep, not wanting to fear the worse.

I woke again at 4.30am and Jamie was still not home. This is where I began to grow concerned as it was extremely unusual. I sat and thought what to do? I had a look on Facebook to see if any friends were on-line. Nobody. At this point it was 4.45am, I tried to call him again. His phone went to answer phone. I considered calling his parents, but didn't want to alarm them so early in the morning.

I then heard a car pull up outside. I went to see who it was but they had parked behind a tree. The apartment intercom then buzzed. My first thought was that it was him and he had just stayed out late. I felt a little angry approaching the buzzer as he had stayed out late and not let me know.

When I answered the buzzer to my shock and surprise it was his mum. She asked if she could come in. She needed to speak to me.

I ran down the stairs, breathless is all I remember as I was certain something awful had happened. When I saw her through the glass door in the hall way, she was with a police officer. I opened the door and said,

"Please don't tell me what I think you are going to tell me"

His mum nodding her head as if to say yes, she replied,

"Nick, it's Jamie, he's dead, he's been knocked down by a car"

She then cried and the police officer comforted her. I was stunned. I felt that a large crash and crumble had hit me in the face. I broke down. His mum and police officer guided me up to the apartment upstairs as I howled in horror.

After sometime, me and his mum tried to compose our selves and the police officer explained some details of the collision. Unfortunately to my horror this is when I discovered Jamie was involved in a 'hit an run' incident. The people left him for dead in the road. He had died instantly, no suffering.

After this I contacted my family. My sister and her fiancée arrived first, then my parents. We all drove back to Jamie's family home where we saw his dad, brothers and sisters. We all grabbed on to each other and comforted each other all day long, whilst contacting other people to inform them what had happened.

The days past and within 3 weeks we had a funeral for Jamie. Beyond the funeral I took another week off school and decided to return. I felt staying at home was not doing my psychological state any good. I returned on staggered duties for some time.

In November 2011, the women driving the car pleaded guilty to driving the car under the influence. She was sentence to prison for 4 and half years for causing death by dangerous driving under the influence. Lots of media coverage across the UK national newpapers covered the story. It was very surreal to see pictures of her and Jamie side by side in a news article.

It is now 15 months after the most devastating event that has shaped my life. It has made me a stronger person. I have now met somebody new which is going well and I am focusing more on the future than I was at first.

Although life has continued and I made some decisions very early on in the grieving process, I think about Jamie almost every second of every day. Jamie was my true love. Jamie was special, he was my soul mate and he completed who I was. Our relationship was like the old fashioned movies or the great love stories. This sounds like an exaggeration, however to us it felt that way. We were inseparable and enjoyed being together.

Jamie knew me inside out. He listened to me when I was down, we both encouraged each other in our work and complimented each other all the time. I don't believe in perfection but our relationship was something close to it. He made me laugh and feel alive. I am so grateful that I have had the chance in my life to find true love like ours. I miss him immensely, so deeply and I can't see that changing no matter who I am with in the future. Day to day I deal with getting on with my life, but losing Jamie is something that just will just never leave me. I carry Jamie inside, I find myself imitating his words, personality traits unconsciously on occasions, I figure that this is a way keeping him alive and with us. I have a good relationship with his family. They are very hurt, but have coped extremely well and are taking every day as it comes. I see them on a regular basis, but since Christmas 2011 we have not been in touch all that much. I guess some time and space can help at times as this has all been so hard on everyone.

A day does not go by when I wonder what if? Why didn't I go out with him that Halloween night? What would have happened if he had not walked down that road? I will always battle with these questions, but take comfort that in a parallel universe somewhere, I did go out and Jamie did walk down a different road.

I sometimes feel lost and alone with my place and sense in the world. Other days I feel that I am ok and doing fine and over what has happened. But the truth is I will never get over it. I will never stop loving Jamie like I did when he was alive. Each week my life does feel further removed from what my life was like when I was with Jamie, but it's about learning to carry a loss as part of me. Jamie has shaped my beliefs, outlook and dreams. He has inspired me to live life to the fullest and to appreciate simple things. I feel I live and see things very differently to people around me. I react to things very differently now. I am more vocal, straight to the point and strong as nothing can hurt me as much as I have been hurt losing the love of my life in such horrific and tragic circumstances. He will never be forgotten, he will stay alive in me until the day I die.

Comments for Road to Nowhere

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Jan 23, 2012
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by: Nick

Thank you for reading my story. Well it's a real life story!

Awful to here about all your loses, partners and son. I don't know how a parent copes with the loss of a child, being a teacher it would be bad enough if anything happened to one of the children in my classes. Just absolute courage and strength that keeps you going.

To the gentleman who lost his partner in the car accident only a few weeks ago. Please do not feel worried or alarmed. Listen to your therapist and her advice, you will see in the long run it works. I didn't have therapy until 6months in so its very brave of you dealing with your grief. The best advice I can give, its grief has a life of its own, there is no right or wrong, its how you feel. I am now with somebody new and some people were not happy about it, but I didn't care because they weren't me. They had not experienced the horror of losing the one they have lost, they don't know what's it like to have to be alone when you are someone who enjoys being in a relationship and being in love. I am now in love again, it's just very different. But it's like any relationship everyone feels different in a way because not everyone is the same. It is 15 months and no I havn't got over it, I never will. I don't cry everyday it's just something I have learnt to live with. I guess it's like people who loose limbs, it's devastating and shocking for them at first but it's about adjustment, learning to cope and live with it. You will do that. Give yourself time though. Your partner will always be with you, how can you forget her? At this stage for you 7 weeks in it's like you want to get over it because thats all thats consuming you. You'll go through a stage of not thinking about it as much, then it'll hit you again, then you will forget, then it will return- it will be steady and so forth. It'll be like that always. People who love people they love never get over their loss. They learn to cope and live with it. Now this doesn't mean you will cry and be gut wrenchingly sad always, you just become a deeper more reflective thinker. Appreciate what you have got, be more humble and see the world differently. It's like any trauma, you can't go through it without it leaving a scar. Be how you feel and I am so sorry to hear what's happened.

Jan 22, 2012
We have the same story
by: David K

Oh my when reading your story I realize that we are in the exact same boat. My fiance died 7 weeks ago. Dec 3rd. We were just engaged 3 weeks prior. We were to start a family this summer and were about to do some traveling to Europe in May she has never been and I promised her I'd take her.

She was coming home from a Christmas party from work in a taxi cab. There was some argument inside the taxi that got her so scared and panic that the taxi cab pulled over the car on the side of the highway. She got out of the cab still panic and waving her arms to get into another car. She was then hit by a car and multiple cars on the highway.

I'm only at 7 week. We had true love, I've never been loved so much by someone in my life. She had puppy dog eyes for me from day one and to the last day I saw her. Your story scares me to think that 15 months later even after you found someone new that you still are in pain and think of her everyday and write your story here to share. Is the pain not easier now? Did you not find someone who you can love again? I've been told differently from therapist what will happen so I am quite concerned now.

Jan 22, 2012
You make your own road, your own path in life
by: Hope

Nick,
You could have been writing a story about Paul and I. Your words describe the very meaning of True Love.
We had that the feeling that you wrote so beautifully. As I wander through this New life trying to make each day mater I do stumble from time to time.
He was not perfect nor was I but together we were a perfect fit. He brought out the best in me.

It has been 2 years in Dec. He too went on a walk and never came back. I will always Love him and it is that, that makes it so difficult to Love again. Just wanted to let you know that I admire your courage and the way that you think.
HH

Jan 22, 2012
You are so right
by: carol,seans mom

Nick, You are so right when you write that you are a different strong now and you have already been threw the worst. I lost my 24 year old son who was a huge part of my heart and life. He died in his sleep and I still wait for results of an autopsy. How awful were the circumstances that you went threw. I am so sorry for you and your families. You are also right that he will be with you forever. Someone so important doesnt just go away because they are not here. Be good to yourself and I wish you hope and peace

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