Rollercoaster Ride

KEEPING IN TOUCH

LIVING WITH GRIEF

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Rollercoaster Ride

by TB
(USA)

It's recent. A month ago. It was unexpected and a shock. My soul mate of so many long years is gone. I was in shock at first then in the wee hours of the morning one day the pain hit. Such unbelievable pain. I have experienced loss before-parent, sibling and child, but nothing prepared me for the pain of this. It was like a pain I've never experienced before-bad.bad.bad...The worst of all.

I don't trust my brain right now or my feelings. Now that the numbness has gone , I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and no one will stop the darn thing and let me off. It was a relief to find this site and realize all the emotions that hold me captive are normal grieving processes. So I'm not going crazy after all. And I have to finish the ride whether I want to or not.

As if this wasn't enough to cope with, I have mixed feelings about people and their motives, which causes anxieties. My husband has two grown daughters from a previous marriage and they never accepted me although I had nothing to do with their parents divorce. They never visited him (twice in twenty years)Now they are being sweet while one grills me about my finances and money and the other implies it was my fault we didn't recognize his condition earlier.

I no longer want to converse with either of them for a while. They make me feel anxious and it dredges up all the pain and grief again. I realize they are grieving too but I can't shake the paranoia about them. I am not well off and I have to sell my house because I can't afford to stay here. But I have visions of them trying to blame me and causing trouble or trying to get what little I make off selling the house. My kids tell me they would not be able to but I can't deal with these feelings right now with everything else so I've decided to avoid them for a time.

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Rollercoaster Ride

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Rollercoaster
by: Zoe

Ok the professional side of me needs to rear its ugly head. Please note this is not legal advise, nor should it be taken as such, just some friendly suggestions.

Probate laws are different in every state. But there are some universals. Did he have a will? if so were these girls in the will? if they were then they are entitled to what they were given, if they are not in the will tell them to call your lawyer, DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT, you will end up saying something that can be used against you.

Now, here is the hard part. If he died without a will then the estate will distribute through the rules of intestacy. They are different for every state, but if they are biological children then they may be due something.

In converse, since you are the wife if he has a will that does not name you, you probably can still get a share.

There are more sad stories that I have seen than I can count of widows with no will and greedy children. Do not discuss this with them and if you have ANY questions, in fact even if you don't, get to an estate attorney. Most will give a 30 minute free consult, take advantage of it.

I am not minimizing your pain, but you are at that point where you cannot think.. and you can make a mistake.

Trust me I am 10 months away from the time John was taken from me, and I still cry every day. My work distracts me from my pain.

and when you feel you can do nothing more
put your head down
and take one breath, one step, one day at a time.

I have a step daughter too......
by: TrishJ

Dear TB,
My husband has been gone for 9 weeks now. I'm just entering the "reality setting in" phase. I was literally in a state of shock for two months.
My husband had a daughter from a previous marriage. He tried to get back into her life when she was 16 (he hadn't had any contact with her in 12 years). Poor thing never had anything but she sure knew where the expensive stores were. My husband took her on several $5,000.00+ shopping trips......bought her a car, paid for her first two years of college. We spent almost $75,000.00 on her in a 5 year period. It became apparent to us both that she only wanted what she could get out of her "daddy."

My mother-in-law passed away in 1995 leaving approximately a half million dollar estate. When we left New Jersey....we took her will to probate.....my husband was her only child. Cut n' dry right? Daddy's little girl (the little brat) filed a protest to the will claiming her grandmother had intended to change the will to include her in it. (No she didn't, my mother-in-law also knew of the brat's intentions and wanted nothing to do with her grand daughter).

To make a very long and frustrating story short we ended up in court for over three years. By the time all was said and done the estate dwindled to $129,000.00 (the attorneys and mediators got all the rest). My husband agreed to settle with her for 1/2 just to end it. He had not spoken to her since that last day in court almost 10 years ago. I have not even contacted my brat step-daughter to inform her of her father's death. My heart tells me to but past history tells me not to.

My husband absolutely did not want me to contact her during his illness. I will wait until the time limit has passed for her to be able file any protests, however long that may be. I don't have that much (because he was so ill for so long~I also have to sell my home).

I would tread lightly with the daughters. Let the past history speak for itself. Knowing human nature I highly doubt that they are interested in your well being at this time. I know the little brat's situation she had a jealous mother (ex-wife) coaching her every step of the way. I also had nothing to do with their breakup. I met him 5 years after his divorce was final.

Take it one day at a time and don't worry too much about their feelings. Yes ...... they are grieving .... but you were, are still and forever will be the evil stepmother. Worry about yourself for now. If they do have good intentions (and who knows maybe they do) you will come to realize that in time.
Hugs and God's blessings.

The ride of grief...
by:

The first line of your letter says it all. Its recent. Grief is something that you need to work through in your own way and your own time. Don't let people bully you when you are so vulnerable.
I remember how lost and confused I was at first. I worked on auto pilot for so long and I am just now coming out a great and horrible fog that has been my life for over a year now. My thinking is still muddled but I am trying to pick up the pieces and make the life that was ours mine. It is not easy, in fact surely the hardest thing that I have ever done in my entire life and being 50 that is saying something. Please come here often we will listen to you 24-7 and will never ever tell you what to do. We are lost and confused as well and would never ever take advantage of that...
HH

A ride and a half
by: Judith

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss and understand your feelings. It hard enough on you and then you have to listen to selfish stepchildren. I too had to deal with that. Luckily My husband and I created a revocable trust that called out all his children were supposed to get. His oldest girl, who only visited twice a year, was so rude and ugly to me all the time I was giving total care to her father up to changing diapers and using my body as his only way of walking around and getting in and out of a car.

After he passed she went on a money hunt and asked for copies of his will , asked for his ashes and just made a complete ass of herself until his middle daughter, the one who was here every two weeks, told her to just stop it.

I changed the trust now to show only two people receive anything upon my death and you can bet his oldest girl isn't one of them or his son who never visited him. I will not reward their selfishness and sense of entitlemment.

So just tell them you aren't obligated to give them a thing. How disrespectful.

God bless you on your journey of grief and take care of you now.

Pam
by: TB

Dear TB

One month, you are right, you are at the beginning. I really am too, only 10 weeks. However I did read something on another comment and wanted to share. Someone had family that tried getting things from them, and she was told to say "I was told to hold on to everything for a year until I start giving his things away". This ought to get the vultures, I mean his daughters, away for awhile. Obviously they were not close to him if they only saw him twice in twenty years. Maybe they have guilt and regret, we don't know. But he was your husband, and unless he had a will giving them something they don't have any right to anything. Let yourself grieve, don't worry about them, just let them know in your time you will find a memento for them. My husband had a daughter from a previous marriage and they had drifted apart too, but she did show up for the memorial service. Didn't say much to me, I went up and hugged her and said how sorry I was, but she left that day without another word. I want to find something in my time to give to her, that will be special. We didn't have money, so he had nothing of monetary value, so I'm not sure if I would really have anything she would want, but our son on the other hand looks at everything and sees memories. He will be happy with anything I give him. Just take your time, remember that they have no right to anything, and do what you feel is right.
One day, one breath, one step at a time.

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