It's recent. A month ago. It was unexpected and a shock. My soul mate of so many long years is gone. I was in shock at first then in the wee hours of the morning one day the pain hit. Such unbelievable pain. I have experienced loss before-parent, sibling and child, but nothing prepared me for the pain of this. It was like a pain I've never experienced before-bad.bad.bad...The worst of all.
I don't trust my brain right now or my feelings. Now that the numbness has gone , I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and no one will stop the darn thing and let me off. It was a relief to find this site and realize all the emotions that hold me captive are normal grieving processes. So I'm not going crazy after all. And I have to finish the ride whether I want to or not.
As if this wasn't enough to cope with, I have mixed feelings about people and their motives, which causes anxieties. My husband has two grown daughters from a previous marriage and they never accepted me although I had nothing to do with their parents divorce. They never visited him (twice in twenty years)Now they are being sweet while one grills me about my finances and money and the other implies it was my fault we didn't recognize his condition earlier.
I no longer want to converse with either of them for a while. They make me feel anxious and it dredges up all the pain and grief again. I realize they are grieving too but I can't shake the paranoia about them. I am not well off and I have to sell my house because I can't afford to stay here. But I have visions of them trying to blame me and causing trouble or trying to get what little I make off selling the house. My kids tell me they would not be able to but I can't deal with these feelings right now with everything else so I've decided to avoid them for a time.