Running on empty

by Colleen
(South Africa)

It will be six months on the 16 May 2011 when Bruce died. I am getting through the days but the the nights are so empty. I told my mom that unless you have someone to share your life with life seems so meaningless. Going through the motions of life is an existence not a life. How I miss someone to cuddle with at night, the deafening silence when you come home is soul destroying. Those long endless weekends are the worst. I try to keep busy but there is only so much you can do on your own. How I long for the days when Bruce was still in my life. I keep thinking that it is wrong that my daughter will never have her father to walk her down the aisle when she gets married or her children will never know their grandfather, I feel so cheated.

Comments for Running on empty

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Jun 09, 2011
Time heals some
by: Anonymous

I understand your pain. I lost my husband (at only 44) eleven years ago. I felt so alone and my daughter was only 19. But with faith in OUR LORD and with time, the heart starts to heal and mend. My daughter married a wonderful young man last year and the wedding was perfect. Her cousin who is also like a brother walked her down the isle and he was so honered to do it. It was a nice day (and I had been worried how I would "hold up"), but we felt like he was looking over us and blessing us that day.
It is hard sometimes at night when you want to tell your "soul mate" and best friend about your day, but I know he is in a better place and is happy. One word of advice though, don't go to Lowe's, Home Depot, or anything like that on a Saturday night, it's all couples and it can really make you feel alone.
God Bless and take care..you will be fine in time.

May 13, 2011
"Running on Empty"
by: Kim

Hi Colleen,

I know that feeling of "running on empty". It will be eight months, soon, since my husband died. After returning to work, I immersed myself in my job and took on other activities associated with work. I sometimes wouldn't be home before 7:00 or later. That helped me get through the winter, and diminished the pain I felt upon arriving home after dark. My husband's job got him up and out of the house every morning very early, so he was always in bed at night very early. Coming home later helped me to not miss that time when we would both arrive home together from work, discuss our day over a cup of coffee, and fix dinner together, then to say goodnight as he went off to bed. The weekends were excruciating, and still can be if I don't have a plan.

One of the first things my daughter said to me: "Mom, who will walk me down the aisle now, when I get married?" She has no plans to get married, but someday I hope she will, and that will be a really difficult void to acknowledge. I feel cheated, too, but my children have been robbed of their dad (they're both adults in the late 20's, but still...) and our 2 year-old grandson has been robbed of his Grandpa. This breaks my heart. He holds pictures of him and asks "Where is he, where did he go?", and sees his truck still in the driveway and says, "There's Papa's truck." These are all reminders to me of the impact such a loss has made on our family, but I feel very lucky in many ways that my husband had all this in his life, and that we all shared in it.

It is still really hard to keep going, to keep breathing, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but we don't know what else to do. Keep the faith, and keep your memories, and let's hope that time will be good to us.

May 13, 2011
running on empty
by: jules

Colleen - I have read your posts from the start - and I know how strong you can be - but I also know how hard it is - even now, 17 months in I still have bad times, no matter how busy I keep myself, I am still alone at night.

I go out with friends, and have to come home to an empty house and an empty bed - they are the lonely times.

Stay strong for your family - and your husband will be there for your daughter when she marries -you will make him a part of the ceremony and the occasion - and be happy for her.
remember - every day one step, one breath, take care
jules

May 12, 2011
But you are getting there (on fumes)
by:

Colleen,

I know how you feel, I felt cheated at first too. But as time passes thankfully I feel grateful to have Loved and Been Loved by someone so wonderful. I know you can't see it now, You can't see any other way of feeling because you are in so much pain. We will always miss what was and there is no substitution for it either.

Don't think that I haven't secretly wondered if I could find someone to give me a wonderful feeling about myself back. But really we need to be comfortable in our own skin for now and that does take some doing. This "New Life" is unwanted but it is what we have so we adapt as best as we can with time always one step at a time.
HH

May 12, 2011
I feel the same
by: Mary

Dear Colleen,
It has been almost six months since I lost my Gene. You have put into words exactly how I am feeling. I have tried to be strong, but you are so right when you say the nights and weekends are so lonely. Days go by and I seem to accomplish nothing. I just sit and cry. I am fortunate to have a daughter and grandchildren that live close by, but I don't like to burden them with my grief because I know how difficult it has been for my daughter to lose her Dad and my grandchildren to lose their Pop Pop. This site has helped me realize I am not alone. Please know my thoughts are with you and I can relate to what you are going through. It's a lonely time and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier for any of us. Take care of yourself.

May 12, 2011
I Feel Cheated Too
by: TrishJ

Colleen,
My husband, Joe, died on December 3, 2010. He died on the day before my daughter's 30th birthday. My son turned 35 in November. They are still at an age where they need their dad in their lives. I just turned 58. I need my husband in my life. I'm too young to be a widow. My daughter will marry this September. My son will be walking her down the aisle. I think I'm going to need a double dose of Xanax that day to get me through.
My grandsons are 2, 3 and 12. I spent mother's day with them. My 12 year old grandson told me he still cries himself to sleep because he misses grandpa so much. The 2 and 3 year olds won't remember him at all. I feel cheated also. We fought so hard to keep my husband alive. We waited for a heart transplant and it didn't come in time.
I miss him so much it makes me ill most days. I cry until I'm sick. I really need to go out and look for a job but I know I'm not ready to give any job 100% right now. I'm trying to move on but it's so hard.
THE NIGHTS. HOW I HATE THE LONELY NIGHTS!! I can manage to keep myself fairly busy during the day but I dread seeing the sun go down.
We're all in the same boat Colleen. Adrift at sea in a lonely boat. You're so right.....it's not living.....it's simply existing.
I doubt that I'll ever find another man like I had and I won't settle for less. I try to be positive, pray, feel optimistic. That lasts for about two hours then I have to face the rest of the day weary and defeated. I hope it goes away. I hope it will get better. We're sort of at the same place ~ the six month time. I was hoping it would be better by now. I'll keep you in my prayers Colleen. I hope we both find some happiness in this life.
Hugs and peace.

May 12, 2011
I Know The Feeling.......
by: Janice

May 24th will be 6 months since we lost our son Cody. I have come to terms with his death (mostly) but the loneliness and longing to see him or hear his voice has not gotten better. I still cry every day at least once a day.....more if I see or hear things that remind me of him. This road we're on is so hard! I keep struggling day to day and wonder if it will ever get any better! Trying to remember to take one step, one breath at a time.....

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