Russ was my Soul Mate
I accidentally stumbled onto this website. I am glad I did. I was searching for answers or at least something to tell me I wasn’t alone.
Exactly 6 months ago today was the beginning of the end. My husband, lover and best friend, Russ received his death sentence. We were told he had terminal stage 4 colon/liver cancer. He passed away 5 weeks later. Russ was 61 and the man of my dreams for 32 years.
It was so sudden, so unexpected. I had purchased a hobey-cat sailboat for him for Father’s Day. After going out sailing a couple of times he had severe pain in his upper stomach area.
The first Doctor he went to suggested it was a pulled muscle. On July 5th we ended up in the emergency room, where they thought he was having a heart attack.
They ran several tests, only to determine he had a good heart. (That I knew) They decided to admit him for more tests thinking it might be his gallbladder. The next day I was informed they were going to do a liver biopsy. On my way to the hospital the doctor called me to see how soon I could be at the hospital.
It all went downhill from there. We were told to go home and get his affairs in order and possibly do things on his bucket list.
He was in so much pain that any travel we may have wanted to do was impossible. Within a week his liver had started to throw off blood clots. He ended up back in the hospital with pneumonia and a pulmonary embolism. That delayed any treatments or surgeries.
Two weeks later they tried to do a colonoscopy but the tumor was so large they could not get past it to see how extensive it actually was. So they planned a surgery to do a colostomy and bypass the tumor. They discovered then just how extensive and all invasive the cancer was.
And by then he was in so much pain and so weak. The liver had really started to deteriorate and it was apparent more clogs were being sent out into his system.
On August 4 he came home from the hospital for the last time with the assistance of Mercy Hospice. They were a blessing and a God-send. On August 7th he developed the complication of severe and chronic hic-cups they lasted for almost 3 days before they finally found a medication to stop them. However, he was so exhausted he could barely speak or move. Within 36 hours it was as if he had had a stroke. His last spoken words to me were “I Love You”
On August 13, 2011 at approximately 2:25 am he peacefully just stopped breathing and his wonderful strong beautiful heart stopped beating. And my thought was NO, wait, STOP! you need to tell me what to do now.. There is so much more we need to do. So much more we need to say to each other. So much time we still need together.
He was my rock, my strength; he was the one person I could lean on. He held me up in times of crisis. He gave me wings and kept me grounded. Who was going to do that now? In this time when I needed him the most, who was going to hold me together?
Now here, on the 6 month mark, I am still asking the same questions along with so many other questions.