Sad and Missing My Son, Sean 24 yr. old, Committed Suiside...

by Kelly Greaney
(Santa Clarita, CA, USA)


No words can express how I feel, but it's beginning to feel more real each day since my son's death four weeks ago. My first born son, Sean was only 24 and he chose to take his life in my backyard where I found him on our hillside hanging from a tree. I was too afraid to go up the hill all the way, so I didn't see his face, but only his legs which looked like he could have been lying down against the hill. I screamed for my husband, Sean's step-dad to get up there and to please tell me he's just past out. I ran into the house and called 911 when I heard Brent screaming, NO, NO, NO! Our neighbor who is a fireman, heard us screaming and ran up the hill to help Brent. Brent had already took him down holding him in his arms, and Bill my neighbor came in the house to tell me he was gone.

It was May 20, 2012, the day before and although his car was parked at our home he wasn't in his room when I opened his door quickly and closed it, so I assumed he got picked up by a friend. I never heard him come in that night, but when I woke up the next day on May 21, 2012 to get ready for work, I went outside and still saw his car parked there. I went back to his room and noticed his wallet and keys were on the dresser. He had also left some drug paraphernalia out on his bed which he would have never left for us to find. He had already been kicked out for this, and on numerous occasions, we had sent him to rehab. He also sought help on his own and we found evidence of that by finding antidepressants. I began to panic and quickly called his brother, Kevin. Kevin said he had last seen him the day before in the morning trying to get some more heroine. He couldn't get him enough, and told him he would hook up with him later. We were gone at the beach with all the dogs. My mother was staying with us, and she saw Sean asking him if he wanted breakfast. He told her he wasn't hungry, but gave her a big hug and told her he was glad she was here staying at our house. That's the last time anyone had seen him. I asked his brother Kevin on the phone where would he have gone and would he have left all his stuff wide open for us to find? Kevin began to panic too, and said he been threatening suicide and that he was carrying a rope in his car. I ran out to his car, but he wasn't in there, and then something told me to look in the backyard up our big hill full of mature trees. I didn't have my glasses on, but thought I saw something out of place. I panicked, got my glasses, started running up the hill.

This is when my nightmare began. My son was dead. A kind loving soul who struggled with depression and eventually drug addiction. He couldn't find any way out, and decided that suicide was the answer. He has left so many broken hearts; friends, girl friend, ex-girl friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, two dads, and most of all a shattered mother. I will never get over his death, but I choose to seek the most out of life one day at a time. I've done the could have, should have's and would have's, but I'm told that it's not my fault although I don't always feel that way. It is very soon since that horrible day, and it's still very raw. He was such a handsome young man, smart, athletic, humerus, and very loving... what went wrong?

If it wasn't for all the support from friends, co-workers, family and most of all from God I don't think I would be as okay as I am today. This is helping me to write about my son's death, and it helps to talk to people about it. I just miss him so much, and wish he was still her. Thanks for allowing me to post, and I hope to get to know some of you who feel the only way a parent of a deceased child could feel. God bless you all, and God bless my son and my other two children who are doing well considering. Love you Sean Donald Greaney--Rest In Paradise! Until we meet again...

Comments for
Sad and Missing My Son, Sean 24 yr. old, Committed Suiside...

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 25, 2013
 Barbara may you be comforted in your loss of your son .
by: Doreen U.K.

Barbara I just read your post and I am so sorry for your loss of your son to suicide. You say that if your son Loved you as his friends say then how could he have, He must have known losing him would destroy you. Your son could not process his behaviour and think about who would miss him, and what killing himself would do to You his Mom and the family.
In this state your son would only be able to process the pain he was in and try to end his misery which meant killing himself being the only way out of his misery. Alcohol was his way of blocking out his pain. Boy's are more prone to becoming insular and not want to discuss their problems with anyone. He must have been a private person. He wouldn't have wanted to discuss his problems with his Mom it may not be Manly. It is a Man thing. Nothing to do with his nurturing. BUT. You are fractured forever. You would benefit from seeing a counsellor which is the only way forward out of the terrible pain of your loss. My sister's son was 30yrs. and 6 yrs. ago he threw himself in front of an express train. he was on medication for depression which had suicidal side effects. My sister was mad with grief and had to have a grief counsellor come to her home she was in pieces and could not function. 6 yrs. on she is a different person. Still bears the scars forever of her loss. But she is supporting others in pain and she still visits the supportive site for mothers who lose children to suicide.
It is the worst thing that could happen to a mother. The pain of such a loss is so unbearable and unexplainable. May God Comfort you in your on going grief and give you the Peace you need.
Apr 25, 2013
 Bullied at school and Home and desperate for help and advice!
by: Doreen U.K.

Brittany it is a horrible experience to be bullied. If you are being bullied at home also this is not good because HOME is the place where you should be protected and nurtured.
If you would rather sort it through your school then Do this. See a school counsellor. Go to a Church and tell someone. The Pastor is the best person to let people from the church support you. You need people on your side so you don't feel so alone. Please Don't Kill Yourself. Suicide is not the answer BUT. I do know what it feels like to be so unhappy that you don't want to live. I have been a Christian all my Life and God is the one who has brought me through so much. I am happy you are saved. Even though God is our source of help. God knows we have to dwell on the earth and he knows how evil the world is which is why He asks us to SEEK HIM. But people need people. The Church should protect you if you are not finding this at home.
You should also try so hard to see a Counsellor through your doctor or the school. I mean regular one to one sessions. You will have this space to express yourself. Because you are being bullied you may have a sensitivity in this area of vulnerability so you need counselling so you can build up your self esteem. When people have low self esteem they are a vulnerable target for a bully. Inside bullies are cowards and look for power through people they see as weak. You need to explore more fully why you are being bullied and how to target these people by being assertive. You have to learn to be assertive without aggression. Don't be afraid of people. God said He is the only one we should fear because he has the Power to defeat our enemies.
My son was bullied. He had an older boy hold a knife to his throat and threaten to kill him for his watch and bike. He refused. he stood up to the bully and would not let him get the better of him. I am not saying that you tackle anyone in a dangerous situation. Know when to walk away and know when to stand up for yourself. A bully does not like to be Challenged.
I hope what I have said will give you support and the confidence you need. If you need to talk more you can email me at doreenelkington@aol.com I want to make sure you are SAFE and don't try SUICIDE. I will support you all I can even though I live in another country to you.
Apr 24, 2013
 know the felling :'(
by: Brittany R . 2014

So for awhile know i've been thinking about suiside because i am being bullied at school and by family members... i mean i honestly rather deal with it @ school than from a family member... but i mean i just got saved by MY LORD JESUS CHRIST! And right now i really dont know what to do can someone give me advice on how to get pass these felling. If so i would GREATLY APPRECIATE it. Thank you GOD BLESS & I hope ya'll find away to cope with your tradgic losses.! :( :) :/ :'(
Apr 15, 2013
 I share your pain
by: Barbara

I am so sorry to hear about your son, Sean. I'm even sorrier to hear that you found him. The pain associated with that image is horrible. I feel your sorrow and your grief; your pain and your heartache. You want to touch him, kiss him, hold him one more time. Talk to him, hear his voice, see his smile. Help him, support him and tell him how much you love him.

My son, Tom, died by suicide 3 weeks ago today. He was found by the police. He hung himself. He was 29 years old and the love of my life. I didn't see any signs, I just saw a happy, successful man. He grew up without a father. I raised him, and his brother alone. I had no clue he would take his own life. He took his life and mine with him. The pain is unbelievable, and I will never get over it, much less get on with my life.

Tom was an alcoholic and struggled with this disease daily. After just getting through one DUI, losing his license for 5 months, lawyer bills, etc., his driver's license was returned and within 10 days he got in a car and drove intoxicated again. He was stopped by the police and arrested for the 2nd DUI. He saw his plans, dreams and future all taken away from him. He felt embarrassed, humiliated and hopeless, and he could not give up the alcohol.

I'm not as mad at Tom for going through with the suicide as I am about him getting in a car and driving drunk again. I guess I just don't know or understand what it's like to be addicted to alcohol. If he just hadn't gotten in that car and driven drunk. If, if, if....... so many if's.

His friends all tell me how much he loved me. How do you love me and yet think this won't destroy me? How? Was I even in your thoughts?

I try to carry on with every day chores, but I live alone and depression is ever constant. Well meaning friends and family call, but I can't relate to them, nor them to me. I live with this alone, and will die with this alone. God help me, and take care of my boy. He needs you Lord.
Apr 06, 2013
 I lost my 18yrs. old son to suicide.
by: Doreen U.K.

Judy I am sorry for your loss of your 18yrs. old son to suicide. It is such a hard and difficult grief to endure. My 30yrs. old nephew threw himself in front of an express train 6yrs. ago. Life is never the same. Scars remain but the pain has got less now. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 11 months ago to cancer. So I am grieving hard. But I would never get over losing one of my 3 children. My son had a girlfriend who he loved so deeply. But she gave him 2 breakdowns and was very cruel. He ran off married her and now living away. He may one day end his life if he can't have her. I can't understand this. It has a lot to do with maturity. My son is 43yrs. but 20yrs. late in maturity. I hope he makes it in life. But my heart goes out to you for your loss of your precious son.
If your husband and yourself are struggling with your loss then go and get a good grief counsellor to help you cope and move beyond the terrible pain and into healing. Don't struggle alone when help is available. I spent years in counselling and got my life back for the first time in my 40's. It is unbearable and wears you out living with so much pain for so long. I hope with the right support and care that you and your husband can move forward from this pain and grief.
Apr 05, 2013
 I know how you feel
by: Judy

I too lost a son through suicide. He also hung himself on the tree in our backyard. My husband, his father, found him back there. He died on November 15, 2012. It is still so hard for me to believe his gone. The pain I have is so unbearable, it's really hard to explain. All I know is I'm here and his not and that shouldn't be. He was only 18 years old. So much life to live for. He couldn't see beyond the pain of losing his girlfriend that he thought his life would be over. He was handsome, talented, gifted in so many ways. He could have had any woman he wanted, to tell you the truth, but he really loved that girl and after 4 short months, she's already moved on. Well, she's moving on because everyone is telling her to do so because hes not coming back. Okay, I can understand that, she's young, but me as a mother and his father, we just seem to can't move forward. We are living day to day in a fog. I cry every time I'm in my car and when I get home. It's the only way I can get relief. My husband is struggling in dealing with this. Our boy carried his name and out of his kids, his the only one that looked exactly like my husband. The two of them were very close. I pray all will be well with you as we will try to do the same. May God bless you and your family.
Dec 03, 2012
 I am so Sorry
by: Doreen U.K.

Alan I read your reply with sadness. One parent loves their child, the other is hard on theirs and yet both end up the same way. With depression and suicide.
I think it is time you let go of your GUILT. None of us parents knows the impact of our nurturing our children will bring. I carried my son for 9 months but was very depressed throughout the pregnancy. My son was born in foetal distress and somehow this left its marks on him throughout his life. I took him to church every week and tried to bring him up with strong core values. My son was Rebellious and held it against me taking him to church every week as if this was something very bad. I tried my best with him. He grew up distressed because his father had to work so hard and long hours he was away from home a lot and I had to be mother and father. My son lived well but gave me a hard time. His father my husband Steve died 7 months ago from cancer and left a hole in all our lives. My son just walked away never knowing if his father was proud of him or not. WE all as parents try hard to rear our children. We make a lot of mistakes we can't undo. Our children become depressed and end up with low self-esteem and feel worthless. This is a part of life. Alan your son had a good job. He was doing well. Something happened to unbalance his life. Your wife can't forever blame you for your son's death. My husband whilst dying of cancer suddenly felt the sadness of his son not giving him time. He then felt the impact of being away from home to work which cost him the loss of relationship with his only son. I told my husband to not punish himself for what he was not able to do by being available for his son. He couldn't be in both places at once. He was busy caring for his family. WE ALL MAKE CHOICES. Some wise some not wise. We all have REGRETS. Go see a counsellor so you can resolve your guilt and go on to live the life you need to live. with FREEDOM. We will even have to FORGIVE ourselves for the mistakes we make. My nephew at 30yrs. threw himself in front of an express train. His mother did not take him back home. He didn't get on with his stepfather. My sister was caught in the middle of trying to rescue a son and respect a husband. She turned her son away and he killed himself. She still feels guilty and angry after 5 yrs. But she will have to one day forgive herself for her CHOICE. I hope you go on to free yourself of GUILT (we all have) and get on to have a happier life.
Dec 02, 2012
 missing my son who committed suicide
by: lerato maake

I miss my son and father who passed away 17 July 2012. My father was sick and my son committed suicide. His name is omega sydwell sedibe I alwyays cry, my son was very sweet and handsome. He couldn't handle the matter that he is unemployed. He had diploma in engineering and sales and markerting so he was unfortunately he was not working. So had depreSsion and stress, he could handle it and and the same he was not happy with his girlfriend so today I'm confusing whether he committed suicide because of his girlfriend or unemployed I don't know cause today I'm left with why. I real miss him I feel empty inside him. Always when I see his friend I cry a lot
Aug 07, 2012
 Thank you Shelly.
by: Kelly

Shelly,

That means a lot too hear this from you, and everything you said is true. Kevin is doing well right now, and so his little sister, Brianna. Much healing going forward, but God has given me strength that I never knew I had to walk through something like this. I am being carried I know that for sure. I sure do miss those No Fear days when all was mostly well. Thanks again for your kind words.

Love,

Kelly
Aug 07, 2012
 My prayers for the Greaney family..
by: Shelly

Kelly,

Today I found out about Sean's death, and I was floored to hear this. I knew Sean personally, he worked for me at No Fear, we worked together for over a year. I just have to say that you raised such a kind, respectful, hard working man, and I thank you for bringing him to this earth to touch other's lives. He definitely will always have a place in my heart, as will your whole family. I prayed for strength for your family today, and I will continue to do so. I hope your son Kevin is able to find strength and peace, and you should know that though I've never met Kevin I had the pleasure of hearing Sean talk about him often. He really loved his brother so much, he was always thinking about him. The Lord will never give us more than we can handle, and I will continue to pray for you and your grieving family.
Jun 24, 2012
 Sean's Mom, and sorry for your loss too.
by: Kelly

Alan, Anonymous, Carol and all:

Especially to Alan, I did the same thing to Sean... he was my oldest and I tended to be the hardest on him. I expected more out of him than the other two unconsciously, but I did it. He never felt good enough and he was very hard on himself. I too feel I contributed to that, and have a hard time forgiving myself. The night before the funeral, I wrote a four page letter to Sean making my amends to him. I put it in his hands in his casket to keep with him forever. This is how I was to forgive myself in some subtle way, but I think it worked a lot. Please try to forgive yourself, and I will do the same. Writing those types of letters help, and talking it out with other's does also. I'm truly sorry for your loss, and we're in this together and know that we're not alone. We have to be strong for those who love and count on us, and it's God's will that we survive. I truly believe this. Take care of yourself, and most of all forgive yourself. God bless you all.
Jun 22, 2012
 I am so sorry.
by: Alan

As I type this, I am tearing up hearing about the loss of your first born son. What you went through finding your son yourself in the state he was I could not even fathom. As a father I feel your husbands pain, I lost my eldest son to suicide 3 years ago. Like your son, he suffered from sadness and depression which he hid from his mother and I. He had a great career and with a good company that praised him and had many friends. What I didn't know until after his death,that he considered himself unattractive and worthless. He cried a lot when he was alone. My wife caught him crying in his car on our driveway and held him telling him he is not worthless on his birthday last year. This stemmed from me being very hard on him and said a lot of terrible things and whacked him at times when he was growing up. Our other children always wondered why I never raised my hand or voice at them, just their older brother. This still wakes me up at night why I singled out my eldest child. I honestly don't know what to say. My wife still cries at times and blames me at times for our sons suicide. I deserve it, in a way I honestly feel I took my son's life. You showed love to your son and like my son, he went down the same path of depression which resulted in a loss we can't bear. You have to heal day by day for your other children like I am dealing with. When my grandchildren ask if their Uncle is in heaven, I have to hold the tears back and tell them yes. Take care and thank you for sharing with us, this is the first step in healing, regards.
Jun 21, 2012
 So Painful
by: Anonymous

My 21 year old daughter died just 4 weeks ago, and I understand your pain. My heart still physically hurts. I never know when the next wave of grief will come over me and I can't stop crying. I'm trying so hard to remember the good things, to stay positive, but my world has been turned upside down by the loss of my baby girl. I really don't think life will ever be 'good' again. I guess we need to do the best we can to get through this life and make a difference somehow. Reading your thoughts and feelings makes me realize that there are so many others experiencing the same pain. God Bless You.
Jun 21, 2012
 understanding your pain
by: Cathy

Hi Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss, its so devastating seeing your own child like that trying your best to change things but there is nothing you can do, completely helpless and you can do nothing to change the fact my eldest son Brandon was 21 he just collapsed in the toilet he had a SAD, it was so frightening when the doctor told me he is gone i went down on my knees and begged the doctor to do something to bring my baby back, the doctor said there was nothing he could do, it was the beginning of a new world for me, a world of grief and sorrow, the journey is very difficult, it is 8 months now since he left us and it just seems like yesterday i miss him so much, words cannot express my feelings. I can feel your pain Kelly, the shock, the disbelief ,the pain does not go away unless we forget our child and i dont think that is possible, they maybe good or naughty but they were ours a piece of our heart and they were not supposed to leave us and go away like this but that is life and with gods help and family and friends we have to go on with this life till god calls to be with them. God bless u, my hugs and prayers are with you
Jun 20, 2012
 Thank you and sorry for your loss too!
by: Kelly

I'm so sorry for the both of you for the loss of your son's. Today, I wake in complete sadness, but have to go to work and act as if. It seems like it's getting harder to live with this loss, but I too have salvation that I will be with my son again someday. Today is the one month anniversary of his death, and I have yet come up with what I want to put on his grave marker. I just can't go there right now, but it helps to have other mom's know what it's like to loose one of their babies. May God bless us all, and someday find happiness again.
Jun 20, 2012
 Son Sean 24 committed suicide
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Kelly
I am sorry for the loss of your son Sean 24. It must have been the most terrifying feeling climbing that hill to find your son, and having that sinking feeling that he had died.
Parents don't expect to outlive their children. Nothing will ever prepare us for the death of an Adult child. Depression is one of the worst illnesses one can suffer from as it is debilitating and some never recover from. Who knows what is in the mind of a person with depression and feeling suicidal? All I know is that I have been there and I was saved from taking my life. I tried 13 times and when I wanted to throw my life away in front of a car I couldn't move it was if my feet were stuck to the ground. I then put the gas taps on and tried gas but the phone rang. I couldn't help the way I felt as depression was killing me and I couldn't bear it. However my nephew threw himself in front of an express train. He was 30. he suffered depression and his medication carried side effects that caused suicidal tendencies. SEROXAT. Was the drug responsible. My sister was mad with grief and needed professional support to get through this. As a family our lives were never the same again. My sister has recovered 5 years down the line and is a stronger person. But that day still haunts her as if it was yesterday. She grieved the "if only's" I should have let him come home. No one can anticipate what is going to happen. Often the person suffering doesn't want to bother thier loved ones and in the lonliness and isolation of being sad and depressed the person will see this as the only way out. I have and still am worried about my own son and his feeling suicidal. I asked him and he said NO. How could I when my father is fighting for his life with cancer. But now his father has passed away 6 weeks ago. So what then? Sometimes one doesn't want to be rescued, because their worlds are HELL. They can't bear holding onto life. It is the lives of those left that carry the pain forever.
I wish you Peace and favour in the days ahead and that you may be able to find the strength and hope to carry on and feel better in time. Best wishes.
Jun 20, 2012
 I am so Sorry
by: carol,seans mom

Kelly, I am so sorry. I saw your title and took a double take. I lost my son Sean,24 on November 15,2011. Different circumstances but my god when I read your title I thought someone was writing to me. My Sean was also my first born. He was the oldest of three and my only son. He leaves behind a 22 and a now 16 year old sister. He was also kind hearted ,loved his family and friends,very handsome and athletic. Captain of football and track and Lacrosse in highschool. I actually call my journals I write "I Lost My Hansome Young Man". It has been seven months for me and the pain is still unbearable. My life shattered that day he did not wake up. So many questions to. Sean developed a blood clot in his body that ravaged threw it as he slept. My world crashed so I do understand how you feel. I can't believe our similar lives with our oldest child Sean,24 now being gone. My Sean should of turned 25 on April 6th of this year. That was such a tough day because we had made plans already. I hope you find peace in your life,all grieving moms and dads deserve that!
Jun 19, 2012
 Never Alone
by: Mia

I read your post and it tugged at my heart. I'm sorry for your loss, and most importantly I'm sorry that Sean felt that he had no other way out, unfortunately that is what depression will do to you. Now, though, he is walking with Jesus and God in Heaven and watching you look at him in the clouds, smiling down at you. I am very sorry you are going through this. Much of my thoughts go out to you. Best wishes.You are never alone he is with you and he is happy, in your heart.
Jun 19, 2012
 missing my son, Julian 31 yrs. old
by: Louise

My son was killed in a single car accident just 6 weeks ago on May 7, 2012. I miss my son so much there's not a day that goes by I don't think of my son, each passing day is very hard at times, I never thought I would make it this far, it's only through the Lord Jesus that carries me through each day. My son was a very kind man a man that wouldn't hurt anybody not even a bug. This is the second son I lost the first son I lost was in the year 2000 of April 7 he was 16 years old. I'm glad I have my other 4 sons and my grandchildren to think about, they are my strenght and most of all Jesus is my strenght. It's beginning to feel more real each day thinking I will never see him again, all I have is memories and pictures of him. My comfort is when my time comes I will meet my two beloved sons that have gone on before me I will see them in paradise.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How?
Simply click here to return to Lost Adult Child