Sad and still grieving

by Tonya
(Marion OH)

I lost my mom on March 25, 2013. I have always taken care of her since I was 18 years old. I made sure she had money to live on and got her what she needed. I know she loved me and I loved her but we never really said it. She was stubborn and we got along fine when she didn't live with me. She was 79 when I moved her in with me August 2012. She was a handful. She was in early stages of dementia. She had high blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease, congestion heart failure, diabetes, and finally she had to go on dialysis. We really had a difficult time living together. I said some things that I regret today and will always regret. I wanted her to move out but I never wanted her to pass away. The Saturday before she passed away dialysis busted a vein in her arm and she asked me if she was going to die and I said no. Monday she was up before I went to work and she seemed fine. I work an hour away and when I got off at 5pm and got home at 6pm I went into her room and she was in her chair with the TV on and seemed asleep until I saw her blue lips and I knew she was gone. I screamed and yelled for her to wake up but she didn't. I have so many regrets and guilty feelings such as why didn't I just stay home that day because we had a snow storm the night before or why didn't I tell her I loved her before I left. I feel guilty on how I treated her and she thought I didn't love her. I never got to say goodbye. I'm a christian and I have prayed for God to let me see her one more time whether it was in a dream or not just so I can tell her how sorry I was and that I did love her but nothing. I want to believe that she is watching over us and can see us but I'm told that does not happen. Sometimes I can smell her but not very often and I just wonder if she's not in the room where she passed away (that's the only place I smell her sometimes). I miss her so much and wish I could bring her back. I would do things differently. I have good days and bad days but here the past week I have been so depressed and not motivated and just cry. I'm still grieving I guess. I have set up counseling to talk about this because I can't even think straight and forgetting things easily because of depression. I miss you mom!

Comments for Sad and still grieving

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Jul 05, 2013
Hang in there Tania
by: Dave

I just lost my Mom on May 6th, and I feel your pain. It is unreal and nothing could have ever prepared me for the horror of realizing no one will ever love me like my Mom did.

My Mom had MS, spent a lot of time in a bed more recently, developing a bed sore that's infection eventually took her life.

For the last three weeks of her life she pushed me away, suddenly, when I was questioning her refusal of care. She had given up and cut me off (I live far away and we spoke on the phone every other day). Finally she took my call on May 3, and I left to see her the next day. I got there late in the morning of May 5th. My Mom died thirteen hours later. It was the most traumatic episode of my life - flying 6,000 miles, spending a half-day watching her die.

I will write my own thing on here sometime, but just know Tania people feel for you. People who have also been there, and faced the terror. I give you a big hug and send you and your Mom my best. Please be safe. I am so sorry for your loss.

Jul 03, 2013
Sad and still grieving
by: Doreen U.K.

Tonya A wise move you have made is to see a counsellor. Now give yourself the time and space to grieve your loss of your mom without the guilt. Put that to one side which you will work through in counselling.
As part of our humanity we will fail, and make mistakes, and get it wrong often and live with many regrets. Things we wished we had never said and things we wish we had said. Sometimes it is just the timing that is wrong and then we run out of time and Time is no more. This is when the guilt sets in. Almost as if we had a little man inside us telling us off all the time. You are a Christian you said. Then be sure Satan will be out to assault you any chance he gets. I know all about those assaults. I have actually done the counselling bit some years ago and found a freedom in the physical realm outside of the Spiritual realm. It can often be so confusing when the two get tangled up which is why counselling helps untangle things. Being a Christian does not make us immune to suffering. In fact we have more struggles, but we have God as our support and present help in times of trouble. Looking after someone with Dementia is so challenging and stressful Don't beat yourself up for your failings We have our limitations and often one with Dementia needs professional care with trained staff to know how to deal with this type of caring. My father is in this process at the moment and now having to go into a care home as my sister is unable to continue caring for him. She has spoken of her difficulties and it has caused a split in our family. This carries its own grief also when one is unable to care for a loved one and has to give up and feels assaulted with guilt for not being able to continue care. You will come through this. I am a survivor from counselling and also from Life and its complexities. Lean more into God and let Him sustain you can carry you through life. God is our only Hope. I know how you feel. We look into our father's face. I asked him if he wants to live in the care home and he shook his head violently and said NO. My father wanted to die long ago. I can't help but wonder how sad it is for the one with dementia at times so lucid and feeling abandoned and locked into their own world of sorrow and grief. Wish God could close his eyes so he doesn't feel lost and forsaken as he will do in the days ahead. Another battle of grief for us. Come what may we have to survive this battle.

Jul 02, 2013
so sorry
by: Anonymous

My mom was in failing health but was stabe in a nursing home. I just visited her last month. Last week, she called me on a Thursday evening wishing me and the kids a good night. She then went to bed and never woke up. I didn't listen to her message until after she already passed. I least to a great extent...your pain. My mom and I talked often and I took care of her when I could. I know she lives on...but I miss her so much. I have wondered "what if I took her call?" Moms know their kids love them. They do.

Jul 02, 2013
sad and still grieving
by: silver

Dear Tanya,I have been where you are.My mom died June 30,2010.I was 3 yrs 2 days ago.I cried off and on all day.I didn't cry much last yr because I was hitting the lowest point since my husband died.He died 11 months after my mother.This yr it hit me about my mom and my dad.(He died 7 months before my mom)My mom also had dementia,but she still lived in her own home.(My youngest son lived with them for about a yr before my dad died and he stayed until after she died.)She was in early middle stages and could still take care of her needs.She also had high blood pressure.I know it sounds harsh,but I'm glad GOD took her home when he did.She was close to the point of me having to take her rights away from her.That would have hurt her and me.I think she gave up when daddy died.They had been married 64 yrs.Please don't feel bad about her being "a handful".I was a nurse in a nursing home and I can tell you that "being a handful"is the natural progression of dementia.We are human and sometimes things just get to us.Even being a nurse I sometimes would get frustrated with some of our dementia patients even though I couldn't let them know it.Like you I felt I didn't give enough time to my mother in her last months.I try to remember that she knew she was loved.It's still hard some days and I'm sure there will always be a day here and there that it will be.I agree with the others that I believe our loved ones look down on us and smile because they know they were loved.I believe they are at peace and only know joy now.I believe we will be reunited with them one day.Be proud of yourself that you did care for your mother.Working in a nursing home I saw people who dumped their relatives there and never visited them.Sometimes we can't care for our loved ones and have to put them where they can be cared for but they should have visits or calls at least.You went above and beyond.Like me you didn't have to make that choice.You didn't have to see your mother decline to the point she didn't know anyone,or was bedridden,or had to have constant 24/7 watch.Be thankful she is whole and happy now and begin to go on until you see her again.GOD send you strength and peace.I continue to pray for all of us.

Jul 02, 2013
your mom is with you
by: Anonymous

Tanya, your mom knew how much you loved her, don't feel guilty..She loved you so much, but it was her time.. My daughter pass away in her sleep,I ran upstairs when she didn't answer me to take the dogs out. Michelle look very peaceful, her finger was curled and bruise looking.. I scream she was my life...Tanya there's life after we pass, who told you no... I have read so many books to understand that we live on, my daughter has came to me in my dream. Michelle told me that she's happy and that she is free from pain, she's not trap in her body. You see Tanya your mother is with you always, close your eyes and feel your mom right beside you, your mother is happy because their is so much love and comfort where she at, heaven is more sickness, remember she loves you, you need to honer your mom as I honor my daughter, to do what you can in this crazy world, we all have a purpose, life is temporary, live for your mom, be Happy for your mom, she's FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

Jul 01, 2013
so sorry
by: Anonymous

You have done a great thing minding your mother i know its Not easy i have been there felt the anger guilt sadness feeling i will never be normal again you see i too lost my mam on October 2010 it Tore My family apart but slowly i have started to rebuild My life and you will too don't get me wrong i still have really bad days and i guess there always will be but i am stronger nowxxxxxx

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