Sad and still grieving
I lost my mom on March 25, 2013. I have always taken care of her since I was 18 years old. I made sure she had money to live on and got her what she needed. I know she loved me and I loved her but we never really said it. She was stubborn and we got along fine when she didn't live with me. She was 79 when I moved her in with me August 2012. She was a handful. She was in early stages of dementia. She had high blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease, congestion heart failure, diabetes, and finally she had to go on dialysis. We really had a difficult time living together. I said some things that I regret today and will always regret. I wanted her to move out but I never wanted her to pass away. The Saturday before she passed away dialysis busted a vein in her arm and she asked me if she was going to die and I said no. Monday she was up before I went to work and she seemed fine. I work an hour away and when I got off at 5pm and got home at 6pm I went into her room and she was in her chair with the TV on and seemed asleep until I saw her blue lips and I knew she was gone. I screamed and yelled for her to wake up but she didn't. I have so many regrets and guilty feelings such as why didn't I just stay home that day because we had a snow storm the night before or why didn't I tell her I loved her before I left. I feel guilty on how I treated her and she thought I didn't love her. I never got to say goodbye. I'm a christian and I have prayed for God to let me see her one more time whether it was in a dream or not just so I can tell her how sorry I was and that I did love her but nothing. I want to believe that she is watching over us and can see us but I'm told that does not happen. Sometimes I can smell her but not very often and I just wonder if she's not in the room where she passed away (that's the only place I smell her sometimes). I miss her so much and wish I could bring her back. I would do things differently. I have good days and bad days but here the past week I have been so depressed and not motivated and just cry. I'm still grieving I guess. I have set up counseling to talk about this because I can't even think straight and forgetting things easily because of depression. I miss you mom!