Sad but Grateful Mom

I had to let my daughter go on September 1. Each day since has been so empty and lonely. She was my only child and best friend. I lost my brother years ago and my father just last year but this loss was very different for me. I don't think I will ever recover. I am so grateful to have had her for 31 years.

I'm caring for my aged mom who is suffering from many illnesses and needs a lot of help. I still work and take over her care when I come home. I feel I can do better but it's hard to just keep going.

Some days are like a blur. When I finally have time in the evening the tears come like rain. Although it hurts I look forward to being able to dedicate my thoughts to her. I want to keep her sweet smile and beautiful face alive in my memory. At Christmas no one spoke of her. I think they were afraid it would hurt me. It hurt me more that her name was not mentioned. I know they thought they were doing the right thing. I'm searching for purpose in my life.

I appreciate being able to tell some of my story. I could write volumes about my daughter's life. The story of a beautiful young woman who lit up the room she entered. She had a beautiful voice and was so caring. It was her wish to be an organ donor and so saved many lives. I'm proud of her but I miss her more than I can express. Sometimes it feels I cannot breath. My love for her will live as long as I do and hopefully I will join her someday. I just want to get through each day now and figure out why I'm here and what I'm supposed to do. I read every blog and every publication I can...seeking help. Thank you for listening and for sharing your stories...they help.

Comments for Sad but Grateful Mom

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Nov 23, 2012
Thank You
by: Louis John baxter

Thank you for sharing your story, it helps me understand mine better.

Sep 01, 2012
Something that helps me
by: Debbie

Our stories are similar. Our precious 32 year old daughter went to be with Jesus on July 15, 2012. She left behind an 11 month old baby boy and husband. My brother died in 1985 and that was very difficult for me, but this is something we can't describe, only those who have gone through it understand. You said you hope to be with her again one day and I believe this will help. I have searched the internet for testimonies of people who have visited heaven. I like to think of my daughter in heaven and I try to imagine what her heavenly body looks like, what she might be doing, who she has met so far and what her mansion is like. I know it will suit her perfectly and that she is surrounded by Jesus and my brother and all her great grandparents. A thousand years is but a day to God which means that our loved ones only have to wait a few minutes before they see us. Granted it seems like forever to us, but as I focus on Amy, I loose the focus on myself which helps to lessen the grief for awhile. I know she is out of pain (she had a horrible advanced breast cancer that went to her bones and then brain)she will never experience sorrow or suffering of any kind ever again and she will not have time to miss us before we will all be together again. Some of the visions and testimonies of heaven are just awesome. For now I will devote the rest of my life to helping to raise her son and make sure he knows his wonderful mommy, and that he knows the Lord!! When I wake up and choose to make the best day possible for my grandson, then he brings joy to me. You have your mother to take care of and there are always so many people out there suffering that we can try to help in some way. This will make a difference to them and it will help our time pass quickly so that we can be reunited with our precious daughters. I am also so grateful for the 32 wonderful years with my daughter. She is awesome. I say "is" because in some ways she is more alive than we are. She taught me so much in the way she handled her illness and kept her faith strong. I'm so proud of her. Believe me I have my days and I feel very empty - physically empty, like there is a huge hole in the center of me. But I can choose to refuse to go down that dark dreadful path that leads to deep and dark discouragement and remember how happy Amy is now and that gives me hope and joy in the midst of my sadness and shock of knowing she isn't on this earth. I hope you can find some good testimonies of heaven to read and that it helps you like it helps me. And I will pray for you. I will ask the Lord to give you peace and the motivation to do what you can to help others so that you will be blessed and that the time will fly by. Just imagine that day when you run into your beautiful daughter's arms and hug on her for days and days and then talk for months and months, knowing you will never be separated again. God is good and He will help you if you ask Him to.

Dec 28, 2011
So sorry for your Loss
by: Anonymous

I am so very sorry for your loss. I too have only one daughter and I do not know how I would get through all of the other pain in my life without her. I have buried four family members in the last two years, the last only two weeks ago. Loss of a loved one is so difficult. My prayers are with you.

Dec 28, 2011
Truly sorry
by: Anonymous

I lost my son of 30 years 8 months ago. It is not getting any easier. We survived our first christmas without him and it was very painful. My son was my best buddy and I miss him every minute of every day. I did the same as you , I read everything I could get my hands on and finally I felt like I had read enough. Every day you learn that this will be the hardest thing we will ever go through. I have lost my mom, dad, and some very close friends. Losing a child is the worst loss of all, a mom does not ever get over this loss. We just have to learn to live with the loss and try to evolve into a new way of living. It will take a long time but I am going to feel every bit of pain that I need to feel and try to feel some moments of joy if possible. It would be so easy to just give up but that is not the right thing to do. I read a quote that says, "I can die, I can exist until I die, or I can live. We need to choose to live for our child that has past. They do not want us to suffer, they want us to try to enjoy the time we have left here on this earth. I know it will be a struggle. There are some days when I feel stronger and then there are days that I just want to curl up and die. But that is not an option. We need to make our child proud of us and they will help us find strength to get through each day. Please hang in and take it one minute at a time and cry often , it does help.
Sincerely, Cynthia

Dec 28, 2011
Thinking of you
by: Carol, Seans Mom

I am so sorry for your loss. Christmas must of been terrible to not hear her name. I lost my hansome 24 year old son november 15. I also have two beautiful daughters. They made sure people would not forget their brother by giving framed pictures of him to family. Let them know they need to speak of her. I notice I will bring Sean up in conversations just to hear his name. Sometimes it makes people compfortable and they start talking. The pain in my body is so deep I cant imagine it will ever leave. Our lives have changed so drastically and we didnt ask for it. People need to realize they were such a big part of our worlds so let them know and speak of her often. You are in my thoughts

Dec 28, 2011
Understan your pain..
by: Vickie

I read your story and my heart goes out to you. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Funny how we are complete strangers-yet we find comfort and a bond with the words that we read here. I lost my beautiful 26yr.old daughter a little over two yr's. ago in a tragic car wreck. I have one other daughter and I am so sorry she was your only child. I lost my mother a couple yr's before her death and other family members as well. Cancer, and one to suicide. It is hard going through such great loss. Your so very right-the deaths of my other family members were sad and painful, but Nothing in comparison to losing My child. I also lost the man I shared my life with for nearly twenty yr's(who was a stepfather to my girls). He decided to leave me, for another woman shortly after my mom passed. I think your a woman of great strength for what you have been through and are doing now. Caring for an aging parent is very difficult enough w/o losing your child. I helped cared for my mom before she passed and it was hard. I wasn't even working at that time because she needed so much care. I am working now and I went back to work just three weeks after my daughters death. I probably should have taken some more time off, but I found myself sitting and just thinking of how Much I missed her. I think going back to work was overall a good thing for me. I hope that you will get more time to grieve your daughters death. You are right people don't ever say my daughters name usually unless I talk about her first. I am sure it is because they aren't sure what to do. Forgive me of my rambling.. I am leaving my email address and if you ever want to talk-please feel free to contact me. Hugs and prayers to you. Vickie

Dec 28, 2011
you are not alone
by: Anonymous

There are no words that will help you right now. You are not alone. It is impossible to explain to anyone what a day feels like without your child, talking is an effort. Stores become a battle just to get through.

Time will make chores easier, you will smile again, I promise. I raised a little foster baby till he was two and a half years old. Then nine months ago a Judge(who could care less about what his life will be like), sent him back to where he came from. My little boy was taken from me, he only knew me as his mom. Grief is grief, we go on. We never stop loving them, we never forget them.
You will be in my prayers, please put me in yours.

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