Sad

by Tina
(North Carolina)

I'm so sad that when I talk about it, it hurts. My daddy, I think, was mad at the pain. Chronic pain changes people. I think that he was also depressed. My last hug was tighter than usual and he wouldn't look at us in the face. He would put his head down quickly when we would look at him.

His feet, legs and stomach were swelling and I think that his diabetes made his heart not function properly. He was a short but strong man. At the end he weighed almost 200 pounds. My daddy was a very smart man. And I miss picking up the phone and giving him a call. Oh, I miss my daddy so very much. But, I don't blame him for ending his life. I wouldn't want to hurt either. He never wanted anything to suffer. And he wasn't going to do it either.

My daddy made bowls from wood and he showed me the bowl that he wanted me to put his ashes in. He told me one particular bowl that, "something could go in there." He told me years before that he wished to be cremated. And I did then I put him in the urn he made. The urn was number 11. He was number 11 that night to be picked up. My daddy's mother was 42 when she died. I am 42. His brother died in the same month. Just different years.

Daddy told mom at Christmas last year that would be the last one that we would have together. I think that he knew something was wrong and he would not tell. Very typical of my dad. My daddy died March 28th, 2010. this experience has changed my life forever. My mother and brother found him. They seem to be more altered than me, naturally. I can't figure out where I am with the grieving process. I cry but I don't blame him. I feel sad and quiet. I miss my daddy.

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Jul 18, 2010
I lost my Dad the same day you lost yours
by: Elise

My Dad also died on 28th March 2010. It was in the very early hours. I had only seen him the Friday night before and I had felt particularly clingy with him, he sounded different, but I never expected that I was going to lose him.

Like your Dad, my Dad was a strong and proud man. He was having chest pains and difficulty breathing but he never let on to any of us how poorly he was. If I think back, I can see the fear he had in his eyes, but there is nothing I can do about that now... just walk down this very long and painful road of recovery.

My Dad died of a massive heart attack. His death is recorded as 5.15 am but I had woken suddenly an hour before at 4.15... I haven't been able to explain why I suddenly woke up that night... but I am convinced that my Dad came to me to wake me so I could be there for my Mum who was alone in hospital, not knowing what was happening.

The 28th March 2010 was the worst day of my life, and always will be! I adored my Daddy and miss him so much every day. I miss his phone calls. He would ring for no particular reason and I would have to make all the conversation, which I would find frustrating sometimes, especially when my kids were fighting while I was talking to him. I'd give anything for another phone call from him!

One thing that I am finding some peace from is to know that Dad is no longer in pain now. He's not scared anymore and he isn't trying to get through each day trying to hide it all from us.

There is a reason why our Dads were taken from us on this day, and we will one day know why. But until then, please know that you are not alone, and know that you are carrying on your Dad's life by being alive. Cherish your memories of your Dad. I am sure that they are still always by our side to gently guide us through life. A life that will one day become beautiful again.

Jul 12, 2010
Loss
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 27 year old son Cody in May of this year. He was diabetic and had chronic pain. At this time we are not sure if he took his own life or if the Diabetes killed him. We are waiting on the M E report. I told my son at the funeral that I was not mad at him if he did take his own life. I know how hard life was for him. But that does not make my pain any less. I miss him so much and cry daily. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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