Sam Landon shaw, our precious angel

by Natalie Gruzin
(Edmonton, alberta)

Our little angel Sam left us too early, he was born at 23 weeks 5 days. 16 weeks early, his due date was February 1st 2013, he died October 11th 2012 after trying do hard to fight to live. After 5 hours of medical intervention we made the decision to let him go to a better place, he died 2 hours later in our arms. One of the hardest decisions I've ever made was letting him go. We are still with him at the hospital but I feel like our little man is gone, I don't know how to prepare to walk out these hospital doors without him and go home to a house without my baby. It feels unnatural and overwhelming to not have him here and I would do anything to trade places with him. There are so many unanswered questions that we have as to why this happened to our precious Sam, I keep asking why and what if. My grief comes in waves, I know he's gone but I feel so sad. I had so many hopes for my little man Sam and there's so much I missed. Him smiling, laughing, crawling, talking everything I wish I could experience with him. My heart is broken I miss him so much.

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Oct 14, 2012
Sam Landon Shaw, our precious angel
by: Doreen U.K.

Natalie I am sorry for your loss of your precious baby before he even had the chance of survival. As you say when you walk through those hospital doors to go home is when you will feel worse. Your grief will come in waves as it does for all of us. You will cry in unexpected places, and at inconvenient times. This is how grief is. I sat at the bus stop and cried for my beloved husband who I lost 5 months ago to cancer. I sat visualising him coming down the old familiar roads we passed. All the old haunts we went into. Coming home to find him not here and the house so empty. I can't bear this happening every single day.
To lose a child is the worst loss any parent can go through. Who knows what happens when a person has to die and not be given the chance to live. WE cannot go through life wondering. Your life would stop if you started questioning WHY? Questions will come. It is part of your grief. It is the acceptance that is harder to cope with. Letting go is also hard to do. I am having difficulty letting go of the loss of my husband. Still thinking he is coming home. I am thinking. My husband has been gone too long now. He is working away. He will come home soon.
I hope that you will try some grief counselling to enable you to cope with all that happened so that you will not let depression take root as can happen as a form of post partum depression.
I suffered depression when carrying my first child and He was born in distress and had the cord wrapped around his neck, arm, groin. If he wasn't born by ceasarian section he would have died. But the depression has left its marks on my sons personality. He suffers depression now. HE IS 43yrs. I live with the regret that I passed this on. If I had counselling early on this wouldn't have happened. You need to prepare yourself emotionally so that the next pregnancy will go well and also the delivery. I wish you Comfort and Peace from your Pain, and Best wishes for the future in the family you are Blessed with will be Healthy and Safe.

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