Saying goodbye when I was only 19

by Guyanna
(San Diego )

Hello All,

So my mother died nine months ago. From metastatic colon cancer. She was diagnosed a day before Thanks Giving in 2010. My mom and I were so close. She was. My best friend, my go- to, my everything. Suddenly she's sick, suddenly she's gone. This whole nightmare started when she began to have trouble using her left hand for small motor skills. One day she freaked out and I suggested she just go to urgent care to get it checked out. At the time I reassured her she was fine, that it was a muscle strain. Urgent care sent her to the ER because they thought it was an on-comming stroke. When I heard the news from my dad via cell phone that she was waiting in the ER I met her there. I remember sitting with her holding her hand still reassuring nothing serious was wrong. The a Doctor came in to our room and broke the news. He said in a cold stale voice, " we found 5 tumors in your brain" I'm going to need to admit you and run more tests. It was just my mom and I, there to receive this news. My mother started crying and I held her. Still telling her we will make it through this you will survive. I stepped out to call my dad. I had to be the one to tell. My dad. And everyone else the news. I had to hold it together to tell people. When all I wanted to do was scream and cry and beg the universe to ***king heal my mother. Over the next couple of days the doctors found tumors in her colon, lungs, and liver, as well as her head. For the first week I got high every day. And I an not a pot head by any means. But I was so overwhelmed. I wasn't eating or sleeping. I then began to be as helpful as I could be. I'd say one of the hardest parts was my mother not accepting that she was going to die. I hated the reality...but it was the truth. And I just wanted to talk about it.

I could go on forever about each detail and how her death affected me. But the truth is I miss her everyday. I am happy about other aspects of my life. But I just want. My mom back.

Comments for Saying goodbye when I was only 19

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Jul 13, 2012
same feeling
by: Faby

I lost my best friend June 11, 2012. I have good and bad moments, mostly bad. There isnt a day that I do not think about her and cry. People have told me its ok to cry, but they also told me it will be easier as the days go by. No they do not. With each passing day, it just gets harder for me. I feel lost and mopy. We both talked everyday and when we both finally got the news that her time was limited, we got cried like babies. I remember her telling me she was scared. With all the sobbing, i told her to send me signs if there is an afterlife. I didnt want to touch the subject about her being scared. As spiritual as I was, I lost all Hope and Faith. I couldnt bring myself to telling her to just BELIEVE in GOD. WHY?? Why would i say that?? I felt like He had given up on her. I was so angry. Now that she is gone a month later, I only think if she is happy in Heaven. I talk to her, but its just not the same. Im hoping to find comfort in reading books or looking into my Faith once again. I pray for you as well. Getting bad news about someone you love, its just plain awful and so unfair. God bless in your days to come. Im sure your mom is looking after you as I hear so is Nina. God bless.

Jul 11, 2012
Saying goodbye when I was only 19
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Guyanna I am sorry for your loss of your mother. The hardest part of your suffering is your age. Being so young to handle a death is hard. Secondly the pain of your mother not accepting she was going to die. It is a very painfull place to be. I lost my husband 8 weeks ago to cancer. He suffered for 3yrs.39 days and every one of them was very painfull. Knowing each day you were going to die and yet never enough time to get used to this. I could see the fear and sadness in my husband's eyes. There was nothing I could do or say. All I could do was cry. It isn't fair. I don't want you to die. I don't think we will ever get used to our loss of our loved one. the emptiness and lonliness of each day is hard. Each day is hell living without my husband. It is a new journey I don't like. There is no joy in life anymore. The end of 47 years together. Every person who loses a loved one at a young age is so very brave. I don't know how I would react if I was 19yrs. or younger. One minute that person we love is here. Next minute gone. FINAL. Guyanna you faced a sudden death. It is very frightening to realize someone is in distress and rush to their aid knowing they were dead. You go into immediate shock and numbness. Now the grief will be kicking in and hard to cope with. If you are not able to cope. Go and see a bereavement counsellor who will support your through your grief. I have been grieving ever since my husband was diagnosed in March 28th 2009. 3yrs.4 months. And still it is very new and raw. I sometimes feel in a state of panic. realizing he is not coming back. Not ironing his clothes. Making his breakfast and all his meals. Working with him as I did for the past 40years. I hoped that we would grow old together. Now I do this alone. Guyanna I hope that the days and weeks ahead will allow you time to reflect on what you are going to do from now on with your life. Your mother would be proud of you. But as you say she won't be there for you to graduate. Get married. See your children. Or indeed know anything about your life. This is the hard part for us now. I will go on to say. "Oh I must tell Steve this" then I realise he is not here. You will face many moments like this.

Jul 11, 2012
FEELING THE SAME
by: Anonymous

i am really sorry to hear of your loss my dad died 8 months ago he went for a routine operation the same thing he had two years previous. he went in and there was complications as a result he was put on a life support machine with a tube in his throat i never heard him speak again after saying il see you after the operation. he was like that for 10 days and we had to let him go. i know how hard it is and all i can say is we have to keep going its so hard.

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