Searching for an answer...

by Jessica

It took me awhile to decide whether or not I should write my story down on here. I read a few submissions before I decided to write mine... and I feel a bit ashamed of my story now that I've read the horrible things others have been put through. It kind of makes my story seem a little childish I guess. But a broken heart is all the same, isn't it? No matter the situation... we are all on this website with one thing in common, searching for an answer to heal our broken hearts.

So here we go... a typical break up story:

I dated him for over three years. It was that type of relationship where I guess he was my entire world. I worked with him for his family business and we spent literally every day together. He was my best friend. The kind of best friend that I could lay in bed with all night watching movies and laughing in each others arms. He loved me. I knew he did... the way he would look into my eyes and cry when we would fight. And we sure did have many fights.

About a year and a half into our relationship I met somebody new in my acting course. Something switched inside of my heart, kind of like my flame went out for my ex. So we broke up for five months however in the end I ended up choosing to be with my ex. That was a rough time in our relationship.

We then dated for another two years straight after that... planning our future. We fought though, about stupid things... like an old married couple some would say. So when I went away this summer for a few weeks it changed everything. I came home and there was tension... so I automatically thought he must of cheated on me. But trust me readers, that wasn't the case. He didn't cheat on me. He just didn't feel the same way about me. And I understood, because we did end up in a rut where we revolved our entire lives around each other and fought which we all know isn't healthy.

It isn't the fact that he broke up with me, is why I'm really upset. It's what he did after we broke up. It's been almost 5 months now since we've been broken up. And I feel like I'm on a never ending scary roller coaster ride. At the beginning of the break up, one minute he would ignore me and then the next he would be at my house making love to me, telling me that we will work things out. So that went on for about 3 months. One day were fixing things, the next day were not. Until finally 2 months ago he randomly messaged me telling me we should just end things for good and also recently I found out he has been hanging out with somebody new. So OKAY. That is partly why I'm upset... but if he really wanted things to end for good, then why does he still call me, or message me... or sleep with me? This is his famous line "I can see us getting back together in the future, but not right now." ... he still says he loves me... and still comes and sees me every week to talk. For instance, tomorrow he is supposed to come over and talk to me.

I guess my cry out for help... is how do I get enough strength to move on?

I know people tell me to think about the bad times and it won't make me want him anymore... or go out with friends or exercise or focus on something else. But trust me, I've done ALL of those things. And I still sit in my room every night and just cry. Because I don't know what else to do. How can he still act like he cares about me... but move onto somebody new so quickly?

The sad part is... is that I know people's responses won't really help me. Because i know what people will say. I just wish there was a way we could get over a broken heart in an instant. But no, it takes time. Time heals everything. So I hear. I'm just sick of feeling like this. I'm tired of wanting him back when he doesn't want me at all.

Comments for Searching for an answer...

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Feb 09, 2012
Roller coaster
by: Anonymous

Dear Jessica,
There is no pain like a broken heart! There is nothing worse than a lost love except the confusion that goes with it. You sound like a person who loves passionately and trusts completely. That makes the roller coaster ride all the more bumpy. You will never forget this love, you may or may not forgive him, you won't pretend it didn't happen. You will eventually integrate the whole experience and continue on. Eventually, you will even heal from this. In the meantime all you can do is look inside and discover what it really is that you want in a relationship and what does a that look like for you. Then the roller coaster will become less bumpy. Good luck and hang in there.

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