Self Esteem and Trust

by I
(Ireland)

At the age of 7, I moved into primary 5 (year 5)at school and lost what I believe to be my self esteem and trust. My teacher was a young man name APB (initials) who terrorised and bullied me and other children in the class. He used a long bamboo cane to smash on the desk in front of us, he leered at us when he made a fool out us and then public humiliation when he caned us for not knowing a spelling or a sum. I am 53 now and still carry the emotional scars of that wicked ugly man and it is time for it to stop. I became his pick on child and spent two years being physically, verbally and mentally bullied by this man. I never told my parents because I was brought up to believe that the adult is right and trusted as a teacher. I was terrified of him and of getting my lessons wrong and at 7/8 years I learned how to feel anxious, afraid and believed what he told me that I was stupid. I never spoke of it to my classmates or my twin sister who witnessed the atrocities but was never the victim. He also attempted to sexually assault me but two boys (7/8 years old) rescued me by kicking him only to suffer violence at his hands. I have gone through my entire life trying to not think about those days but my relationships with men in particular have been appalling with a violent abusive marriage which I left. I never knew how to behave around men or what was a good relationship so found myself in an abusive relationship ending up with getting pregnant and marrying him. Left him 13 years and 4 kids later found myself, my life and gradually built my esteem to new heights. Even trust was found again but no relationships lasted for any longer than a few months. Always unavailable men always never committing. I met a man and had a relationship for 14 months just in 2010/2011. I eneded it because he to was showing signs of being abusive and he was cheating on me. At lease this time I ended it and am not accepting any bad behaviour again. The lessons I have learned from this recent break up have been hard but worth it. The grief and pain of my loss of the good parts of the relationship and the betrayal have been unbearable but I know in time I will lift my head again and risk love.

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