Selfish suicide

by Laura
(Issaquah, WA)

My boyfriend committed suicide on Sept 16th and I have been having a very difficult time dealing. He actually disappeared and it took almost two weeks to find his car. I called his friends, ex-wife, the police, his attorney.. I found out five days after his disappearance that I was newly pregnant. He jumped off of a bridge.

He left me to deal with holidays and plans we had made and pregnancy. I decided over a month after his death that I could not do the child thing on my own so took the miscarriage pill. It has been horrible. I feel like I am losing my marbles and have strange physical feelings, like tightness in my throat, and constant body tension. I am anxious all the time. I don't remember things but I try to make it seem like I am fine. About a month after he died everyone went back to their lives...

He was a great, amazing guy who came into my life and added so much fun and love and passion and then he just disappeared and took it all away, without even a word. I am changed by this and don't like it. I want me back. I want to feel safe in the world and comfortable in my own skin. When does this get better?

How could he have given me this story and shame to carry around the rest of the days? How do I become me again and have a relationship again? Suicide sucks. I hope he has at least found some of the peace he has taken from my world.

Comments for Selfish suicide

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Feb 23, 2010
Thank you and "Straight Ahead"
by: Ginny

Thank you to all of you who share your experiences. I too am on a roller coaster of feelings after the suicide of my husband (ex) 9 months ago. Along with taking care of my 81 year old mom, my life of 51 years today doesn't know what it wants to be when I grow up.

I have 2 beautiful grandchildren that keep me going. We are blessed with much and I know that doesn't help the pain, but, you ladies set such examples for ones like myself and I am really finding it like a weight off my shoulder to know I am not alone. That truly makes a difference. We do not know each other, but yet, we are all related.

I cried so much the day before my birthday (his is 1 week from mine)I couldn't sleep (afraid of dreaming about him too). Tonight, I sit with a candle glowing in a quiet living room with just my pets and read all these stories and realize I am not abnormal and I am not alone!

Please continue to help others (and me) and let others help you (even if it is in comment form). When I really get down, I am going to read what others go thru and get the help I need to cope from them. It doesn't take away the pain, but it does help you thru the next minute.

My ex was a retired Navy man and he would always say (and I am sure he would use these words now to all of you and me) "Straight Ahead"....

Feb 14, 2010
Help Me
by: Anonymous

My husband (ex-husband) was bipolar and refused help. My life was unbearable with him and I had to get out before he did kill me. A few days after our divorce he killed himself in front of me. For an instant, I felt like I too was going to die, but as quickly as that I sucked it up and never once felt anything. Because we were divorced I was totally excluded from the funeral.

I never cared and carried on with my new life. What a joke - now 3 years later I can't stop crying. My emotions were so bottled up that it took the death of my cat to send me to where I am today.

I hurt and am finally feeling the anger and loss but it's been so long - no one can understand. They all have gotten used to the happy front I have shown for so long.
I don't know if I can go on.

How are you managing?

Feb 10, 2010
by: Anonymous

Laura, my condolences on the passing of your partner. You now have a new life created from the two of you, cherish this and be strong and willing to bring up your child as best you can. People come into our lives for a reason, do their jobs and then leave us; he has touched your life and now you must continue to grow with what he has taught you. All the best.

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