Selfish suicide

by Laura
(Issaquah, WA)

My boyfriend committed suicide on Sept 16th and I have been having a very difficult time dealing. He actually disappeared and it took almost two weeks to find his car. I called his friends, ex-wife, the police, his attorney.. I found out five days after his disappearance that I was newly pregnant. He jumped off of a bridge.

He left me to deal with holidays and plans we had made and pregnancy. I decided over a month after his death that I could not do the child thing on my own so took the miscarriage pill. It has been horrible. I feel like I am losing my marbles and have strange physical feelings, like tightness in my throat, and constant body tension. I am anxious all the time. I don't remember things but I try to make it seem like I am fine. About a month after he died everyone went back to their lives...

He was a great, amazing guy who came into my life and added so much fun and love and passion and then he just disappeared and took it all away, without even a word. I am changed by this and don't like it. I want me back. I want to feel safe in the world and comfortable in my own skin. When does this get better?

How could he have given me this story and shame to carry around the rest of the days? How do I become me again and have a relationship again? Suicide sucks. I hope he has at least found some of the peace he has taken from my world.