Seven months ago today My Sean Patrick was dying!

by Carol , Seans mom
(Bellingham, mass)

Hello, This is Carol, Seans mom. Seven months ago today I should of been setting my gps up for finding New England Tech in Rhode Island. Sean had asked me to take the ride with him. He was being tested for class placement. I took the day off from work and was ready to go. I talked to him last on Sunday morning. I had to go to work and he was talking about things that happened that morning when he got out of work. He seemed good. He seemed nervous but excited for the next day. When I said Goodbye that morning I never imagined I would never get to talk to my 24 year old son again. Seven months have passed. The grief is overwhelming. I still see his eyes,his smile and I hear his voice. I hope I never forget his voice. He was so young and hadn't even started to live his adult life. I never imagined this happening,only thought I saw it on the news. Now when I see tragedy on the news I think I know exactly how they feel. Instead of being on my way to the college I spent seven months ago today watching my son on life support. The doctor told us Sean would not be going home with us. I know now that I was in shock. Everything happening just seemed unbelievable. It was after midnight when they told us they had done more brain tests and their was no brain function. I lost my son November 14,2011 but because it was one forty in the am on the fifteenth that is his death date. It took us that long to understand we had to make the decision to let him go. Who ever thinks that will happen? Today I am a tired,sad and depressed 49 year old woman. My motto to my children has always been Think Positive and Positive Things will happen. I am not so sure about that anymore. I love my children more than anything. I was always there for them. I would give up my life to save theirs. Why didn't Sean get the chance to fight? Why do these things happen to so many good families? These are questions I have learned will never get answered. I take my life day to day now. Some days are scarier than others. I have not had to many good days. Seven months have passed and I feel like it has been one day. The pain of losing my beautiful 24 year old son Sean Patrick is as fresh as it was day one. I hope to find some peace because I know my physical health suffers. Seven months of incredible stress and panic and sadness is so unhealthy. Seven months of going to work and trying to act like I am hanging on is very tiring. Seven months ago my life was destroyed and the pieces are still all over the place. Peace to all!

Comments for Seven months ago today My Sean Patrick was dying!

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Jun 17, 2012
no rest
by: Lorene's mom

Well Carol, I'm still crying and sometimes it hurts so much, I really want to go back but I can't and raising lorene's 3 kids has been bitter sweet, her daughter Madison who is 8 going on 35 is so like my daughter growing up its like going back in time and I start to panic thinking what if something happens to these kids I will surely die, but if there is one thing I learned from all this I wake up in the morning, why I don't know anymore I still have not returned to work and will have to come September, we had a fund rasing social last night for her kids trust fund we started and it was so sad that the friends who came to her funeral the ones who said they would help and that they miss her did not even bother showing up! who does that I have never done that to someone at least come up with an excuse not tell me you will be there and not show up. I am just trying to carry on as best I can but relly what is the point my husband keeps saying we have to be strong for the kids sake so I do. I'm going to pray again for some kind of peace I need to get releive from this pain!

Jun 16, 2012
Carol lost her precious son Sean 24yrs.
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Carol
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious 24yr.old son Sean. Of course you will be overwhelmed with sadness, pain, grief, anger for some time. Sadly this is ongoing for all of us facing the loss of a loved one and we just want it to be over quickly so that we can move forward but it doesn't work like this sad to say. The grief will hit you at unexpected times and places that will be inconvenient to deal with the outpouring of grief.
You said you told your children to always be positive and positive things will happen and you are not to sure about this now. Your world has been turned upside down and as mothers we will question the things we say to our children. It is good to be positive, but positive things will not always happen to us or be returned because we live in a turbulent fallen world changing too fast.
I lost my husband 6 weeks ago today and I am like you feeling sad, tired, and depressed. I am still very angry. Carol mothers don't expect to outlive their children and the pain you feel will be unbearable. We are never quite prepared for the loss of a child or even our spouses and significant others but different losses give us different grief experiences but the pain is the same for all. Sometimes it feels as if this grief will kill me and yet it doesn't. I should be happy that I had my husband till the age of 65 years of age but I am not. He was officially in retirement and wanted to live having spent his whole 46yrs of working life working so hard he never had time to himself and when he had holidays he was working on the house to build this up for us and when he gets it looking good he goes and dies of cancer and now I don't want the house. I want him back. He is all I ever wanted from the first day I set eyes on him he was my entire world. 44 years of marriage and now it has ended. My husband's sister-in-law to his eldest brother had a little hand in bringing him up and they lost contact for 40 years and then they had a brief meeting. Her name was Miriam and she was 87yrs. She went back to Kenya and we just learned she passed away 3 weeks before my husband Steve and he never knew and now today I go to a memorial service laid on by her family here in England. Miriam will be happy she is laid to rest with her mother. When my time comes I will be laid to rest in the same burial chamber as Steve as I purchased a grave for 2. Death carries a sting and it is this sting that we will experience forever. I know that if we have life we have to die one day but it is not something we think about otherwise we would not be able to enjoy life. I hope Carol that you find support on this website and feel less alone and realize that we are all with you in your grief. I hope you have better days ahead and Peace to come.

Jun 15, 2012
I know your pain.
by: Karen,Australia

Hi Carol,i know exactly how you feel i to lost my beautiful1 14yr old Josh 10 months ago and life is unberable i just wish i could be with him i miss and love him so much.I cry all day every day when i look at his last picture that was taken 5 months before he left i say to my self through my tears why my son he is such a wonderful kid and we had no problems with him.All he wanted to do in life is play his games and his computer.Its just not fair when i do manage to laugh at something i say to myself i dont have that right to be laughing i hate life now.I know your pain and it doesnt get any better.Take care your Australian friend Karen.xx

Jun 15, 2012
Peace and Strength
by: TrishJ

I can feel the grief in you. I'm so sorry. I really wish I had words of wisdom but I don't.
The days go by and we just drift. We aren't happy, we aren't engaged in life, the memories are too difficult.
I hurts. It just plain hurts. I lost my husband 18 months ago. I've not lost a child so I don't know your pain. We lost a very loved member of our extended family recently. He was 19. Cole was killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street. He was just a few days from leaving college to come home for the summer. I see the empty hollow look on his mom's face. I fear the spark will never return.
How do we survive? It's been 18 months and I don't feel any more ready to move forward than I did 18 months ago. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient. Things will get better.
I miss my husband's physical presence and I know you miss Sean's. I've heard all the sayings, He's in a better place, He's not feeling pain any more, He would want you to be happy, He's here with you in spirit, you're still young~you'll meet someone else.....blah, blah, blah. Until someone can come up with a way to bring my husband nothing anyone says makes be feel better. I know they mean well. (Do I want some cheese with my WHINE)? I can't help how I feel and neither can you. WE WANT THEM BACK. When my friends young son was killed the priest said, Your lives will never be the same from this day forward. Yup! He sure knows his stuff. My life has not been the same. I think we want our old lives back and that's not gonna happen.
On a positive note ~ all you can do is your best Carol. The truth is Sean would want you to be happy. I'm sure he was great kid, he loves you and he wouldn't want you so sad. My husband loved me and wouldn't want to see me like this. I'm one hot mess.
I'm going to say a prayer for peace and strength for me, Cole's mom and Sean's mom tonight. God bless Carol. The hurt never leaves us but a little peace would be good wouldn't it???

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