July 23,2010 I lost everything. I had Bryan's picture as my background with my everthing in big bold letters as the banner. I have had this on my phone for the last couple of years. Every time I looked at my phone I would remember that he was my reason for living in this life, my everything. Everything I did I did for him or with him in mind. He's gone, my everthing, how am I supposed to go on. It's so hard. Since the 10th when my grandson Bryan was born, I have been in a very depressed state. I have been mad (and I don't know why, actually I do) and a royal bitch to everyone around me. I am mad because Bryan is supposed to be here with us to celebrate the birth of our new grandson. He would have been so proud. He was so proud of all of his grandchildren (this makes #4). He tried so hard to beat the stupid cancer, he didn't want to go. He wanted to be here to see his grandkids grow up. To teach them how to be a good person, to give them good morals. Why did he have to go? I am so lost without him. My computer has been out of order the last week or so and I have been on my own without the support of all of you guys and it has been sooo hard. I didn't realize just how much this site really means to me. Thank you all so much, I don't want to list anyone in particular as you all have been there for me in my time of need. I do share a special bond with those few who also lost their spouses on the same horrible day as I lost Bryan. Again I don't want to mention names, but I hope that you all know who you are. It's going to be so hard for us tomorrow (the 23rd) but we will survive, we have to for our loved ones. I hope to survive this day with dignity and the prayer that God will help me and all of us to make it one step one breath one day at a time
I know how it is to be mad at the world. Every experience should have been shared. We were not meant to go through life solo. Sharing is what makes us human. Have you noticed that people without kids or spouses tend to have animals? We all need someone to care for and love us back unconditionally. That is the kind of Love that we had unconditional love. It is so hard going solo...having no one to share our day with. One mundane day after another.
But there is a way out of this loneliness. We all need to find our own way. My way is not yours and eventually we will find some peace within. Some way to embrace the world and smile a genuine smile and enjoy our tomorrows. We have worked hard through this sorrow and that is our eventual reward. Happiness. So far away and just out of reach but it is there and I hope that we all find our ways towards it. HH
for Donna by: Mari
I know this is a terrible day for you. I want you to know we care very much for you. I hope you have someone close to share your feelings with, maybe a family member or friend.These kinds of things hurt alot. There seems to be too many memories that we have to deal with. Stay close to the Lord too and He will help you get through. You have been so kind to people on this board.I notice too that although you are grieving you still think of others.
I understand how much you wanted Bryan to get to enjoy the new baby.That is something that hurts me also. Our great grandaughter Aubree is a month and 1/2 old and she laughs out loud now. She is so beautiful. I can imagine my husband holding her. He loved the babies.
I found some emails in the sent folder and read them. They were all from the time my husband got sick and the awful things he went through and the concern of family and friends. I remember one email where my birthday was coming up and we had plans but my husband was too sick. Reading them made my heart ache for all he went through.I realize he really needed to be with the Lord as no one should have to suffer like he did.
I start work Monday and will still manage the complex here. I have to be busy. I won't forget him of course but hard work is my way of coping. Please take care of yourself. Keep posting. We are here to listen and help you get through. God bless you.
7 months today by: M Mack
Donna, I'm with you today. We are supposed to be the survivors and that means get tuff. God would not do this to us if he didn't know we could handle it although I don't understand why. Don't be so hard on yourself. You did everything you can to make a good life for all of your family. I've been dreading today and also have been very depressed. Try to keep busy today and talk to someone if you need to. Maybe a priest, support group or family would be helpful. Go somewhere with other people around. The day will pass and if you need to break down, do it tonight when you go to bed. Bryan knows you need him and I'm positive he's there with you for support. I keep reliving the day in my mind and it was so horrible. The pain I'm suffering is overwhelming however, I know I have to take the punches no matter how bad it hurts. I don't want to ramble but I want you to get through this day with me because I need your support as well. Hugs and prayers for us today especially. Please keep writing and take it slow- you are not alone.
Yes...We Will Survie by: TrishJ
Donna~ First of all God bless you. You have a right to feel angry and a little sorry for yourself. I'm mad too. My husband left behind three of the most adorable grandsons. He used to get tears in his eyes when he would think about not being here for them. Boys need their grandpas. My two youngest grandsons will never remember him (they are 2 and 3). The oldest one is just 11. He said to me the other day, "Grandma I wish it was two years from now." I said, "Why, because you'll be a teenager?" He said, "No because then I won't cry for grandpa anymore ~ everyone says eventually you stop crying." I told him maybe the tears will stop but grandpa will be with us forever. Eventually isn't here for me yet. I wonder about the day the tears will stop (or at least have a longer span between crying jags). There are some wonderful people on this site. I've learned a lot from them. I hope you find joy in the birth of that new grandchild and find some happiness today. One breath, one step at a time. PJ
Eveything by: Yvonne
I lost Roger on July 19th. We have a grandchild due next July. It will be his first biological grandchild. I have children who have kids -Our marriage was a yours mine and ours. Roger often teased our son about a man child. I know this is a joyous event but how do you feel joy when he isn't here to enjoy it too. I come to this site every morning before work and every night after work just to read, and I read everything sometimes two and three times. I want to feel a closeness to someone who understands.
