seventeen months and still struggling

Does it ever get any easier? I feel like I am living my life in a fog. My husband died seventeen months ago tomorrow. It was a sudden death. I wasn't even there. He just never came home that night. i can not get over it. I feel cheated. Our youngest of four children just went off to college. We were to be empty nesters...now I am the solo empty nester. I spent my life raising my children and then it was to be our time and then boom....I am alone. i can't help but feel sorry for myself. What did I do to deserve this?

Comments for seventeen months and still struggling

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May 13, 2013
17 months and still struggling
by: silver

I have been there.It has been 2 yrs this month for me.The love of my life left me one wk after our 33rd anniversary.We went out to eat on the 22nd,he was in ICU by the 24th and died on the 29th.Like you our children are grown.We were going to start going places near(like the aquarium in Nashville)when I retired.He died 3 months before that.Now,like you,my empty nest is just me.My youngest son (33)is living with me for now but he works full time so I'm alone most of the day.(He works second shift)I am just beginning to be able to go places we used to go.I miss him so much.We were great friends for 4 yrs before we married.I write poetry for him.(I have other poems also)I wrote one poem for his funeral service.I think what helped is that I told him I loved him often.We made many memories together.We always went on a short trip each anniversary or out to supper.YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS.It was his time to go home.One of the things that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will be able to see him and hold him in my arms again.I have to believe this or it would be too bleak for me to handle.Keep his memories alive by talking about him to others.I even talk to him sometimes.I'm not saying you won't grieve after a certain point.You will always remember and sometimes cry but it will get a little easier as time goes on.GOD give you strength and peace.I send you love and prayers

Apr 18, 2013
I know exactly how you fell
by: chris

My husband died suddenly 15 months ago. He was 48, we were together 27 years. Our youngest just left for college and we were so enjoying our empty nest! The kids were home on break and we were counting down the days untl they left.

Not fair at all.

The second year is different as they say. You aren't as lost and foggy. But in some ways that is worse. Now you are like Man is he really gone? Just doesn't seem right.

Life goes on but the sadness is still there. you are still trying to think up a way to turn back the clock. Just so you can say goodbye.

Mar 22, 2013
For seventeen months
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda I know what you mean about losing out on retirement together.
This how I feel. CHEATED. My husband worked hard for the last 47yrs. as an exhibition carpenter going all over our country of England and the world and sometimes working 7 days a week but his main week was 6days. He would be gone for as long as 6 weeks. I baked and cooked his favourite dishes when he came back which means I was in the kitchen a lot and away from my husband both working in our own ways for each other. Time apart from each other was a lot of the time. We were looking forward to Steve retiring and we had dreams and plans that can not be fulfilled now. THIS IS THE PART OF LIFE THAT IS SO UNFAIR. I have too much time on my hands now having retired 5 years ago and I spend this time alone and it doesn't make sense. No matter what we do in life it won't make much fun or sense without the one we have lost. Best wishes in life and I hope something good comes your way to make your life meaningful.

Mar 22, 2013
Doug In California
by: Doreen U.K.

Doug I picked up on your reply to the post here. I am sorry for your loss of your wife 9 weeks ago to lung cancer. I lost my husband to MESOTHELIOMA. (lung cancer caused by working with asbestos, incurable, inoperable, aggressive.) We were married 44yrs. and just when he was due for retirement he had to come out of work due to this disease. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days. A horrible destructive disease.
I know how you feel when you say you are in a daze and can only do the basics. This may carry on for some time. It feels almost like being hit by a truck and you have to get up and carry on working and living and one struggles to do this. This grief is like an assault on the body.
You say that you are starting counselling. GOOD. It is very expensive, and painful. and you will find your 1hr. session is soon up. I spent many years in counselling over 15yrs. ago and this was the best investment I have ever made. I can't begin to tell you how I feel now. Probably as good as winning the lottery. You won't regret it. this is money well spent. I have never looked back and the pain one is in is resolved and you never go back to that same place. The healing is just wonderful. I hope everyone feels as good as I do after counselling. Just make sure you get the right counsellor and you are making progress. You will get your life back. You will be able to move forward without this terrible pain of your loss.
I miss my husband so much and I will never get over this loss. It at times feels unrealistic. Just remember you are not alone. Take one day at a time and don't look too far forward. Start doing at least one special good thing for yourself each day and build on this till your world changes. We have no CHOICE to go on in life so we have to do what we can when we can to make our life better from our loss. WE will still honour, love and miss our partner. I Hope that your counselling goes well and that your life improves in the days ahead till your life is where you can survive without this awful pain of grief.

Mar 21, 2013
seventeen months and still struggling
by: Doug in California

It has been 9 weeks since I lost my beautiful wife of 35 years to lung cancer and it seems like just yesterday, the pain fear desperation and heartbreak are more than I could ever of thought possible, I walk around in a daze like the rest of the world is detached from me and can seen to do just the basic things to get by. Out of desperation I have an appointment to see a counselor but at 140.00 per hour I don't know how long that will last, well enough of my problems. I do wish you some peace and with Gods help that can get through this horrible time in your life.

Mar 20, 2013
For Seventeen Months
by: Linda

Boy this is exactly how I feel. My husband passed away two months ago, very suddenly, I didn't even get to tell him goodby or tell how him how very much I Loved & cherished him, how much I needed & depended on him. I walk around crying & hurting inside and keep asking WHY???? We couldn't wait to retire together, work on our house together, maybe travel a little. We worked so very hard all our life, scraped to get by, then wham he's gone. I keep hoping that I can wake up from this nightmare. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer to you, I just don't know....

Mar 19, 2013
Seventeen months and still struggling
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

It will be 22 months my husband is gone on March 27th.
After my husbands death people would say, it will get easier and things will get better. They don't have a clue to how it really is. For me, I just am learning how to live without him. It doesn't gey easier or better. I am accepting his death. I don't like it that we didn't get to retire together.
Retirement for me, isn't quite there yet. I am collecting SS, but because of his death, I am working part-time. Part of me wants to really retire, yet another part of me says, WHY? I am just taking it one day at a time and asking God to lead me, because I don't know where I am going.
I put on this "happy face", but I am still crying on the inside, missing my husband and what we shared. I cherish the years, 46 years married and knowing him almost 50 years. I am sad we will not celebrate 50 years as many others in my life have.
I look back and know God has carried me alot since my husbands death. It is quite amazing how strong we realy are. WE ALL ARE!
We all will make it through this grief.
I was given this guote and I will share it with you. WHEN SOMEONE WE LOVE DIES, WE NEVER QUITE GET OVER IT. WE JUST SLOWLY LEARN HOW TO GO ON WITHOUT THEM, ALWAYS KEEPING THEM TUCKED SAFELY IN OUR HEART.

Mar 18, 2013
thinking of you..
by: June

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my, husband, Mike, a year ago. I really don't know how I got through this year. I, just like you, feel that I'm in a fog....not knowing when it is going to lift! I miss Mike so. Instead of getting better, it is getting worse for me. I feel blessed to have family around me but it isn't the same. I really don't know what to say to you, we can only go day to day and my hope is that we will be together again. I had a family dinner on the anniversary of Mike's death, March 8th, it was great, lots of talk, hugs, some tears, but remembering Papa. The week before I didn't feel like doing this, but so glad I did. I keep busy, volunteer at a homeless shelter (something I did before Mike died), do Tai Chi, I really think this has helped. Thinking of you and hope you have family, animals, friends around. I don't like this life without Mike.

Mar 17, 2013
Seventeen months
by: Anonymous

Your crime was love. You loved your husband deeply and grief is the price you pay. My wife passed almost one year ago and the tears just flow like a water fall sometimes. All I can tell you is that many share your grief. Lets be stong and do our daily tasks until the fog lifts. That's all I can say.
God Bless You.

Mar 17, 2013
seventeen months and still struggling
by: Doreen U.K.

You didn't deserve this loss at a critical point in your life when you are facing the empty nest which brings its own grief.
I am in the same place as you. I lost my husband 10 months ago. He came out of work 2yrs. before retirement with the diagnosis of cancer. He was 11 months into retirement when he was so ill and started to slowly die before my eyes. It is such a cruelty. A man works all his life and looks forward to his retirement and then he dies prematurely. I had this conversation with my husband. We were sitting in the car on our journey when I said to my husband. "Look at all these people walking around going about their business all with a story to tell. Some may even have cancer and not know it." Little did I know that my husband had the worst deadly cancer caused by working with asbestos. He died of an Industrial disease. Life can be so very cruel. We are now widows with an empty nest and an EMPTINESS and LONLINESS as big as the world. Every day is painful and we wonder when it will end. I think we will be struggling for a long time. I have had some very bad days and my grief is overflowing at times that it is hard to contain. The phone doesn't ring, and people don't drop by as much as they did when my husband was alive. I am beginning to feel that I don't matter. WE may have to find something in life to do to pass our time and so make our journey here on earth a little easier. When I have work to do I find it easier to cope. It is when I am sitting alone in the evening or at the weekend that the grief is fiercer. Just don't look too far ahead. Still focus on one day at a time. When the day is over I feel relieved that I got through it. I hope the days ahead will be better for you. Write back if you need to. Just like you I often feel so desperate I need to tell someone. You can email me doreenelkington@aol.com

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